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#385582 - 02/13/12 01:33 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: lovehim202]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2652
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: lovehim202
Would this be wildly inappropriate


Number of WoR's attended: 3
Last attended: 2011

#385602 - 02/13/12 05:49 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: lovehim202]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA

Can I just offer you my love and compassion? It is excruciating to have to lay eyes on one who so deeply hurt the one you most love. It takes superhuman strength to not strike out in defense of your beloved. The advice given above is valid, though you already knew that.

The advice I most like is WestChesterguy's:

i don't suggest one way or another. however, if i were in the husband's shoes - knowing my wife is an independent thinker and lady of action - whatever she did or does is up to her. the consequences are also up to her to handle as well.

if she confronted the perpetrator - that would be her thing. i would go about my business of recovery and whatever. and while i may not tell my wife what i think about her confrontation. i'd probably smile when she wasn't looking....

This is your problem, too. This is your family, too. That being said, your first allegiance is to your husband's wishes. Maybe he would be well-served in having you defend the little boy who was defenseless? Or maybe he would feel re-victimized at having to deal with the confrontation?

If he doesn't feel strongly one way or the other, I say to your own self be true.

But remember, words once spoken, can't be taken back.

Talk to your husband about your feelings. Just knowing how strongly you want to defend him is a great validation of your love. And who could not want that?

Praying for wisdom for you!


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#385608 - 02/13/12 06:35 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: herowannabe]
westchesterguy Offline

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: herowannabe
...I say to your own self be true....
Talk to your husband about your feelings. Just knowing how strongly you want to defend him is a great validation of your love. And who could not want that?

nicely stated hero.

i don't know you all... maybe there is some self-preservation reason why i never had a child. for... if i had a child and s/he was sexually abused. i'd be in jail for murder. no doubts. no remorse. no questions. so, if the worst thing anyone else does is "confront" an offender, well - to each his own. the offending community should feel safe with that response.


#385627 - 02/13/12 09:44 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: westchesterguy]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
Take CSA out of the equation for a minute. Do you want your spouse make and act on a decision that impacts you an your family for the rest of your lives without your consent. Think buying a home or borrowing against your life savings to start a business. I think we all would agree that on major decisions like that both parties should have a say so and not move forward til there is agreement. It's maddening but the right thing to do. I wouldn't honor the agreement If I saw my husbands perp alone w a child other than his own, but otherwise I'd stick to the silence agreement. It KILLS me to pretend which is why I back out of known interactions. My journey in this world is teaching me that what I believe in my heart is right does not supersede what someone else in their heart thinks is right. I desperately want full disclosure. I honestly believe healing will take place faster. My husband holds a vaunted place in his family, one his abuser does not, so I don't foresee a problem w disbelief. But I married into this family. There may be a back story I'm unfamiliar w. family dynamics I can't possibly understand. And at the end of the day it might just boil down to him not being ready. I don't want to usurp his progress . I hate Knowing who his perp is because now I'm an accomplice to a pedophile w my silence, but my primary allegiance is to my husband and his healing. My only hope is that since his perp was a teen, he did not become an adult perp (my reading says most don't). When hubby is ready, it is ON! no more silence. No more secrets. No more shame.

Edited by GoodHope (02/13/12 09:45 PM)
Wife of a survivor

#385689 - 02/14/12 04:53 AM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: GoodHope]
Treehugger75 Offline

Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 159
Loc: Ontario Canada
"Noble concept but his past is not yours to repair, he needs to do that himself. It would be like doing your child's homework, sure they would get good marks initially, but they would not learn anything." - Exactly your heart is in the right place. And thankfully your mind hasnt been exposed to the horrors first hand so your mind will never be in the same place. Let your love be your guide. It was strong enough for you to ask us what you should do. Complete strangers yet no so strange after all. Trust your love is all he needs.

I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

#385721 - 02/14/12 12:29 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: Treehugger75]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
I know for a fact, my wife hates he perp, would love to get her hands on him, say what she thinks of him....and maybe some time she can do the yelling part.

She does respect me and my process enough to know that its not appropriate...and we talk about it, and I know she cares and thats eough for me for now...and me hearing her frustration has to be anough for her right now.

It certainly is tough, but one should never take the process and control way from their survivors...I would think even if a survivor asked his spouse to say something, they shouldn't per se, cause it may take away some of the work from the survivor. With that, anything to do with confrontation or disclosure, including the above example should be brought to T to be hashed out, look at the angles before any type of action.

Revictimization is not worth it in any way, shape or form.


#386030 - 02/16/12 12:16 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: westchesterguy]
Shawushka Offline

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
The simple answer is "No", imho.
Unless your husband also wants a confrontation but doesn't feel strong enough to say something and is happy that someone else will be the harbinger.

#468061 - 07/27/14 01:54 PM Re: appropriate for a wife to confront husband's perp? [Re: lovehim202]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6376
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
confronting the spouses abuser?

very risky and may cause stress for the survivor.
it may be viewed as a breach of trust if the disclosure was meant to be private.
could backfire without professional guidance.
probably best to get the spouses permission, if not full participation.

if you do it together, that would be best.
all i really want or need from my partner is understanding, patience, love and honesty.
but i really appreciate it when she sticks up for me.
i have seen her confront and condemn people who have abused me, and it really makes me love her more deeply than before.


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