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#385919 - 02/15/12 08:00 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Avery46]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2614
Loc: Central PA
I'm realizing more and more lately that I'm horribly stunted or stuck or something. I watch everyone around me doing things and accomplishing things and then there's me, only ever talking about what I'd "like" to do, but something always seems to get in the way of accomplishing anything.

It's so very hard at times to not let anger and bitterness creep in and make me hate utterly everything. I want my life to mean something and yet if I die today, aside from having a few kids who hopefully will go on to be someone and do things, it's pretty much worthless as best I can tell.

#385920 - 02/15/12 08:10 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: JustScott]
Fissy Tsickens Offline

Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
OMG, Hauser; I could have written your post.

I went to a private school through 6th grade. My second grade teacher was a nasty, abusive bitch, but in third grade, I had an absolute angel. It was the first time a teacher had seen value in me. She raved not only about how well I spelled and my advanced vocabulary, but told everyone how artistic I was. It was all I needed to hear. I sketched, drew, painted, fabricated miniature cars out of paper, you name it. Her words gave me wings.

Then I got abused. Somehow nothing I ever did after that seemed very special.

I have three brothers; two older, one younger. All three are professional artists. By high school I had decided I couldn't measure up to my brothers' talent. I stopped creating at that point.

For Christmas, my wife just gave me both table and standing easels, a palette, canvases, paints, palette knives, brushes. My life is very busy, and that's a great excuse. Somehow, I still haven't had time to even open any of these items let alone use them. Still that voice in there telling me I'll never be good enough.

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Ill never see

It may sound absurd...but dont be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wont you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Its not easy to be me

#385921 - 02/15/12 08:12 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
I got that syndrome in reverse Hauser. From rock-star to popper in the blink of an eye just for disclosing.

#385936 - 02/16/12 12:34 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
Clockwise Offline

Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 304
Loc: Pennsylvania
God Hauser, I so know how you feel. I have had this type of feeling for so long and I've never known what to do about it. I guess this feeling came more from the loss of my father (NOT my abuser) than from the actual abuse I suffered when I was a little kid, which compared to most of you guys was very minimal. It hurts so badly to feel like you're less than and that there's nothing you can do you get a leg up.

This feeling seems to infect every aspect of my life and even though I'm only 22 and (hopefully) will have a lot of life ahead of me I still feel like I've missed out on a lot life's experiences. And it's not just the big things like a career or a spouse, it's a lot of little everyday things that effect me the most right now. Every time I see a bunch of 12-16-year-olds in a mall or around my neighborhood or just out somewhere I get this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach - it's envy. I so want to be them. I so want to stay out late with my friends, I so want to break the rules, I so want to just be a stupid teenage again because I feel like I never had that experience.

My dad died when I was 15, smack in the middle of when my true "self" should have been coming out. I didn't have anyone to blame so I just ended up blaming myself. Everyday when I'm again sitting in front of the tv I think about all the things that I could have been. Maybe if my dad hadn't have died I wouldn't be so shy and reserved, maybe I'd be outgoing and funny instead of a total stick-in-the-mud. I know there's no way to go back in time but I still think about it.

I don't know if this helps any of you guys, but I just want to let you all know that there's just one more person who gets it.


Yet another 24 hours.

#385946 - 02/16/12 03:03 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: WalkTheWalk]
lapchinj Offline

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1481
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing

Edited by lapchinj (03/18/13 02:40 AM)
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

#446612 - 09/07/13 09:42 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL
Wow. It's not often I go back and dig up old threads but I found this one and almost felt like I could have written a lot of what the OP said myself. Future destroyed. Future bleak, black, hopeless and pointless. Although, in my case, I think the constant and severe bullying and rejection I experienced from most of my peers played a part in that destruction as well. Not as much of a roll as the sexual trauma, but it damn sure didn't help.

My fucking life was over before it started. I was supposed to be smart. I was supposed to do well in life. I was interested in so many things when I was very little and by the time I was a teenager, my head was so fucked up and filled with chaos that I didn't even give a shit about anything anymore. Now it's to fucking late. The ship has sailed and I missed the boat. My wings were clipped before I even could begin to learn to fly and now I'm just hopping around aimlessly though life, having no idea which way to go or which way is even up. There is nowhere to go. I'm just existing, wasting space and eating up resources. Thanks, my childhood. I appreciate it.

I see this Hauser dude hasn't posted here in some time and hasn't since well before I joined. I hope he's ok. Does anyone know what happened to him? Perhaps I should PM him and tell him how much I appreciate and identify with his post. I'll have to do that soon. Peace,


#446621 - 09/07/13 03:53 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3717
I hope he found help and was able to heal to see life can offer hope and happiness. Sadly, so many feel the way he described, "life was over before it started". CSA is a life sentence that we need to learn to control. Bullying can happen at any age-and CSA victims allow themselves to be bullied by children and adults. The only way we survive is through the love of others, once we are able to open and accept we can be loved for the right reasons.

The comments by Hauser makes me sad, because I have so many express similar feelings. I believe Hauser is wrong--he has not missed the boat but rather he is waiting for the boat to dock to pick him and move forward in life. He needs help and to surround himself with caring and compassionate people who understand CSA.

My hope he is still with us and has found his way on the boat for a good life.

#446692 - 09/08/13 09:03 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
This is a good thread and I am glad it was bumped and glad I read it. I too hope Hauser has boarded his boat and set sail for a good future. I find some of the comments and outlooks I read to actually have brought me to tears.

It's only my experience, only my outlook but I desire to share a few thoughts about the future. Whatever has happened to us, when the sun came up today the future arrived. It does each and every day. I could have died at four. I could have. Or in my "tweens", or in the teens. I was abused each step of the way. But I didn't. I kept my dreams, I reformulated my dreams, I never stopped dreaming.

I gave back, didn't become rich, but I gave back. I watched over not only my own children, but hundreds of others. I watched for the nuances that indicated an abusive situation. I just knew, and I saw to it that something was done to protect these kids. Even with the abuse, things have been good. Very good.

But what I dreamed of most was love. All through my childhood I wanted to be loved for me. Just because I existed, I wanted someone to care about me. I laugh now, because it seems so selfish, but I dreamed of that. And as a young man, I found it. And I had the family that went along with it. And it was taken away much too early for me.... and I wanted to die. The future still arrived. I had to dream again, and it was really really hard. I hope this makes sense. What I am trying to say is that every dream I have ever dreamed, or achieved, or been gifted with has been fleeting. What has remained is the man. What I am left to work with is me.

And again I wanted to die when I experienced the asa. It was just too much. But I was still here. And the fuckin' future arrived, yet again. And it has taken me this long just to pull my stuff together to function, but function I will. The future brought me a chance to even "redo" what was done to me.

If you get the chance to go into the member's section, find the post in male survivor forum about my surgery. I won't repeat it here, but do know that the future has arrived. I had the surgery. And I wasn't hurt this time. No one did anything inappropriate to me in a sexual way. I was safe.

The future gave me the opportunity to redo some of what had been done to me. So many times, in so many ways. I am no longer afraid to dream. The future. Its gonna be here. And I am going to be a part of it, even if it means I don't know what tomorrow will look like. And when I read of the sadness in some of the voices of the guys that I lift up as being people I respect, it truly makes me cry. I can feel your pain. I know your pain. And I just want to say, "Man, the future is gonna come. I am 55 and I know its not too late for me. All we gotta' do is step on board and be open to what lays itself out in front of us." a side note... when I was coming out of the anesthesia the nurse told me I was asking for my spouse and wanted to know where she was (its been 9.5 years). lol... I guess love is still something I dream about.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#446731 - 09/09/13 06:22 PM Re: Future destroyed [Re: ThisMan]
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12074
Loc: Denver, CO
I see this Hauser dude hasn't posted here in some time and hasn't since well before I joined. I hope he's ok. Does anyone know what happened to him?

He's around. He and I went to see Elysium a few days back. Feel free to send him a PM.

Edited by FormerTexan (09/09/13 06:37 PM)
Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#446749 - 09/10/13 12:45 AM Re: Future destroyed [Re: Hauser]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 323
Loc: MO
Dear Hauser and all,

I was raised to be the chief of domestic counsel in the White House. My father was physically abusive from the time I was 4. My brother was sexual physically abusive from the time I was 10. My mother made me into her narcisitic supply, and directed me to pose naked for her friend when I was 12, My mother also had a man she thought might be a homosexual care for me when I was sick at 13. And after he had raped me she asked "Did you enjoy being penetrated?" I said no it hurt, She said Then you are O K." That was the last she would speak of it.

I was productive for many years basically 1965 to 1993. I directly and indirectly assisted 10,00 economically, dislocated, and injured people to get jobs. I was married for 25 years and raised 4 kids. I cared for my abusive parents until they died in 2001.

Then my self-sabatauge overwhelmed me. Although I had stopped my 27 years of alcoholic drinking, I could no longer disregard my self hatred and self injury. I became disabled in 2006. And have begun a process of healing, of letting go of my delusions, and choosing to seek self acceptance. I am not there yet. And though I was well on my way to achieve what my mother wanted, when I was 21, it would have killed me.

What I did and didn't due was part of my reaction to the abuse. It is that I could never accept me or my sense of self dignity that was the focus of my abuse.

Today I am trying to disaggregate what my mother did to incest me, from what she did to teach me skills. As long as I defend her, I will never accept myself.

The soul sickness that is the result of the abuse and being neglected or used, is too much to overcome. But, some of our life survives anyway.

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