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#383934 - 01/31/12 12:52 PM not being sexual
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I am in a phase of my life for which I am not being sexual. It is a time of being abstinent.

I have been in this mode for over a year now. I did not even realize the abstinence was happening. I was too busy just staying in the present. I have allowed myself to feel all of my feelings.

I am 48 and have been sexual for 4 decades plus. I am somewhat fearful of future sexual moments.

Have others experienced a time when they were not sexual with others?


aka DJsport

#383970 - 01/31/12 06:21 PM Re: not being sexual [Re: Avery46]
westchesterguy Offline

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
yes avery, the most recent time for me was in 2003.
i hesitate saying "last" because i don't want it to be my last. i realize we here are all in different places, but i'm not pleased....and never ever thought i'd be approaching 50 with the prospect of never touching another living soul for what remains of life.


#388192 - 03/03/12 07:03 PM Re: not being sexual [Re: westchesterguy]
timetested Offline

Registered: 12/26/11
Posts: 30
Yes, I have not had sex. So many of my issues revolve around something as basic as touch. I can shake hands but that is about it. Obviously that precludes sexual contact. It is something I am working on with my therapist, and I have seen some changes in the past two weeks.

#388194 - 03/03/12 08:08 PM Re: not being sexual [Re: timetested]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
The coolest thing about a period of abstinence (especially when you are doing a lot of emotional, recovery work and connecting with your innermost self) is that our physical bodies will seek to be sexual: having wet dreams and learning to masturbate without fantasy or abuse-ties helped wake up what I view to be an authentic, natural sexuality that had always been there for me.

Free from judgements, emotions, abuse, family teachings, etc. That's why I call it authentic, natural sexuality.

I wish you luck: trust in the wisdom of your recovery.

We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#388320 - 03/05/12 03:09 AM Re: not being sexual [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Yerac Offline

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 45
Loc: Southern CA

#393588 - 04/16/12 01:21 AM Re: not being sexual [Re: Avery46]
cross29min Offline

Registered: 04/13/12
Posts: 7
Loc: Santa Monica, CA
I'm 57. Never had a steady girlfriend or boyfriend. Never had intercourse with a women, oral only. I realize my sex history has always been far from normal. I've never had a "healthy" sexual relationship with anyone. The only sex i've had in the last 22 years have been with strangers one nighters here and there. Then, I'll go a long time with no sex at all. I get very sad when I think about this to this day. I'm 57 and I feel time has run out. I've missed the boat for a healthy relationship with someone. The thing is, I tell myself I'm happy without sex. I dont need sex to be happy. All my life I get sad, sick, when I see a guy, my age, with a family or his kids. I feel for both the kid with his dad and his dad with his kid. However, I'm still greatful just to be alive - even tho all my life I've felt alone. I'm okay tho, I'm just responding to some of the posts i've read and what they remind me of. I trust God is taking care of me, and has.
~ cross ~

#393971 - 04/18/12 10:50 PM Re: not being sexual [Re: Avery46]
phoenix321 Offline

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Lots of sex, no relationships. Yep, it totally sucks. At least I had the sex part. Healthy sex? That's like defining normal. The no healthy relationships is the bad part.

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

#394392 - 04/22/12 01:14 AM Re: not being sexual [Re: Avery46]
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Most of my life has been celibate. It's not so much that I don't want to have sex, more that I don't know how to make a connection w/ people.

#399186 - 06/02/12 09:07 AM Re: not being sexual [Re: Avery46]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2398
Loc: durham, north england
I'm not even sure what s/x means when it's not something bad.

There is part of me that was desperate for a relationship, so desperate that it was causing me problems, and I've managed to sever that quite successfully.

I admit part of that desire was physical, but was more a desire for a physical connection and communication with someone than anything overtly s/xual, and would be equally filled by just pleasant, casual physical affection.

The problem is, I do have a libido, and a libido that causes me problems. As a teenager I learnt that if anyone noticed me having an s/xual reaction, bad stuff and humiliation would inevitably follow, so I started using mb as a control method, sinse if I mb'd enough I reduced my chances of having a physical reaction, and I've pretty much never stopped sinse. I've tried to stop on some occasions, but everytime I try I get really severe and horrific nightmares.

I have two mental impressions I use when I mb, what I tend to think of as light and dark (cs lewis really got that one right). Dark.

neither is a fantasy in the truist sense, nor even involves anyone i know, both are just sets of abstract images and impressions of women with no real attached thought or fantasy.

I call one "dark" only because all I experience when I use it is a purely physical thing, it's nothing mor than me, and taking care of business, with not evejn the desire for a connection with another person. It's pleasant, but not really anything more than that.

I suppose I call it dark not because it is shameful or wrong,just because there is absolutely nothing emotional about it, and it's thus utterly devorced from my desire for a relationship or really from anything to do with another person.

The "light" fantasy is something I've experienced far less sinse I gave up my desire for a relationship, though still a couple of times. This is a desire for the sort of emotional/physical/spiritual connection I've seen betwene couples who are in some way together. This isn't anything mystical, or a suggestion that there is anything long lasting about this connection, it could be short, just that it is there.

These are the most painful fantasies, and sinse i've tried to rid myself of the desire for a relationship, i've tried to rid myself of those fantasies. It isn't easy, especially sinse just about everyone I know is married or in a very perminant relationship, but I think I've managed it.

I can now contemplate the fact that I am 30, have never had a relationship and probably will never have one, and no longer think that that is a bad thing, or that the fact that the closest I've been to anyone was so utterly unpleasant as it actually was without really feeling too much regret.

The one thing that scares me, is that if the opportunity came up for the "dark" version, ie, none emotive, simply physical, unconnected s/x, possibly even with a prostitute, I'd not be able to resist it, sinse I know that afterwards I'd feel a trator to myself for not experiencing what i know I could experience, and still worse, that it might bring back the nightmares, sisne without an emotional connection it would feel just like what my body was forced to do as a teenager, humiliating though that was.

My mum even once suggested finding "An escort" to try and help with my fear of s/x on the belief that if I spent the night with a paid person unimmotionally, I'd be better for it.

i refused, sinse that is just not what I want, but part of me was tempted, ---- and I'm pretty afraid that if the opportunity ever arose I'd do it.

I will admit the fear of s/x is less than it used to be, I can now here the word, read a description or see someone in skimpy clothing without feeling so scared it hurts, and now just feel a sense of sort of horrific disgust, ---- like when you step on a slug.

I'm fairly certain that if I had! the emotional connection with someone it wouldn't matter quite as much, and I'd learn some new associations over time, but sinse I've had to give up on that one, I'm not sure what to do about this.

Amusingly enough, when I was 17, had changed schools just after my abuse, one girl mistook my fear reaction for prudery or some sort of moral dislike. She asked if I ws going to be a monk and be celibate all my life. At the time, sinse i'd just discovered what being in love meant, and really and truly thought I'd meet someone I could have that connection with, i answered a distinct no, ---- well, now it would seem that would be a yes, not that it matters really, ---- though I do wish I could stop the nightmares and the bad reactions and just forget s/x exists, sinse really there are much more interesting things to do in my life than get hung up on one experience.

I particularly hate! the way so many people are obsessed with it! or think it's funny! indeed, that was really what strted my abuse, being 12 and finding all the s/xual humour just stupid and pointless, rather than hilariously funny, ---- I knew what it meant, I just couldn't see why everyone (especially girls), were so insane about it, and the couple of boys I was close to being friends with when I was eleven utterly changed their personalities due to that stupid subject.

I actually would considder medical castration, sinse I hate the thing so much and it obviously does me no good and a lot of harm, if it wouldn't be likely to alter my voice.

#399672 - 06/07/12 12:24 PM Re: not being sexual [Re: Avery46]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 06:25 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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