I'm struggling for a while now and I'm exhausted so I just need some space here to vent my thoughts.
Aaaahhh, this is really hard for me so I need some support
After I've discovered this place I've finally saw some rays of hope and decided to do something about my life.
Spending time here is great and I've made some positive steps only by reading posts. But somehow I know this will not be enough and let say I'm now collecting courage for next step.
For those who didn't read I was unappropriated touched by other boys when I was 5-6 years old boy, my twin brother has had same experience. Actually we had it together later. And somehow I was suddenly drown into life of sexuality. I haven't felt all those actions like some sort of 'abuse' but more like play and fun. I was child and it seems to me that I'm discovering world of adults. But that experience has twisted me and I was aware since start.
Anyway some of my memories are gone and I can't recall too much. But as I have twin brother lately I'm obsessed with thoughts to ask him about our childhood. This Christmas was good opportunity for that. I told my bro by phone that I have some issues and that I've discovered site with full of resources which helps me a lot and that I need to talk to him. When I saw him I didn't have courage to go further in matter and he didn't ask.
Actually we had family reunion for Christmas and we went to Germany where my bro is living. We are living (my father, me, brother and sister) in three different countries. I'm alone in my country but with opportunity to see father more often than bro and sis. This was also opportunity to meet my brother's gay partner and his family. We all were a little bit exited because of all this. I'm coming from let say conservative country/culture where such things are almost like taboo but my family seems to be completely different and liberal in positive sense. We've spent great time there and somehow I wasn't ready to spoil everything.
I have to admit that I'm very connected to brother and don't know is he ready to dig in dark past.
As I can remember he used to teach me a lot of 'forbidden' things, he was like lieder and I was great follower in world of sexual discoveries. I cant recall when (but obviously very early) our knowledge has been leveled up. Later we've fortunately moved from other bad boys who were brought all that in our lives but we continued to do some things together until college times. As I've described in my story in time when my bro discovered that he is gay (that was relatively recently - couple years ago). He has felt responsible for my well being and my sexual orientation. He was mainly worry that I might be also gay because of him. I must say that I'm confused about myself and that I have same sex attraction but I don't consider my self as gay. I cant imagine that I'm touched by other man in romantic way and such physical contact is problem for me. But I used to watch a lot of gay porn and I'm always in really bad mood afterward. I've read a lot about this theme and I see my behavior mostly like recurrence of traumatic experience. This porn topic could be one day other post cause I've found a lot about sex abuse just by watching adult movies and I wonder have anyone else had such experience...
So basically I'm stuck with myself to go further I need to know as much details as possible. Who was first abuser to us, how many of kids were involved (we were group of at least 4-6 boys), when actually everything started, who was mainly responsible etc. Additionally bro sees one older boy particularly as abuser although I don't have such memories with him, I need to ask him about all that stuff in detailed way.I have also many questions to bro about our mutual sex activities. We didn't talk much about it.
I wonder if all that recalling would bring unwonted memories to my brother and make his life miserable. He had a lot of issues with himself when he 'came out' and It seems to me that he is finally very happy. I know that he is even more fragile than I'm, so I worry a lot about it. I'm also concerned would all that bring some negative change into my bro's sex life and his relationship.
So many questions....
Please if any of you have some advice how to proceed let me know. Send me pm or just write it here. I know that I'll go further certainly but in first place I would like to make as least harm as possible...