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#382618 - 01/17/12 07:15 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: whome]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA

I'm so, so sorry, Martin...!

What can you do... oh my...

If it were me, I would need for you to just allow me my conflicting emotions of rage, anger, shame, guilt, mourning, numbness, etc.

I would need for you to gently point out any distortions in my thinking, (ie. "It was MY fault I was raped", "I shoulda/coulda done this, that, or the other to have prevented it", "My life is over", etc.), but in pointing out the distortions, validate the normalcy of my feelings; that anyone in that position would likely feel the same, and that my feelings are absolutely normal.

I would need to see that you care enough to be upset, angry, and offer me care and compassion, but it would be harmful to me to have to deal with calming you down. So, I'd need for you to be in complete control of your emotions, so I could fall apart for a while.

Probably not much help, but it's all I've got!

Sending you love and prayers, Martin!



For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#382671 - 01/18/12 06:05 AM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: herowannabe]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Not much help, oh contrare, huge help.

Thanks HWB

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#382785 - 01/19/12 05:32 AM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: whome]
Marie-TwoOfUs Offline

Registered: 12/31/11
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Another thing that comes to mind for me considering how I was treated after our assault by my own husband.

She will probably need reassurance that you love her and that you will still be there for her through this.
She will probably need to hear at least once that you don't blame her, and that you are going to stay around.
And she may need to see that you still view her as a whole person and that what happened in no way changes how you feel about her.

My husband went cold on me when it happened.
If he spoke to me at all it was hurtful or insulting comments.
Absolutely worst nightmare of a rape victim, to hear her own husband call her "used goods."
I KNOW you would NEVER do this.
Just demonstrating the need here, considering my own history.
At that time the biggest thing I needed to hear was that I was still me and that I was still valued by someone.
And had wanted to hear that he would still stay by me.
That he didn't judge me or blame me.
Mine didn't. You will, I know, you already HAVE!

Keep at it, Martin.
Hero is right.
She needs to know you are worried for her.
But she needs to not have to calm you down, either.

Matt showed his worry/concern by sometimes just sitting nearby without touching if I couldn't take being touched.
He let his emotions rage out when I wasn't around to see it.
If you need to rage out there is no shame in that.
But make sure you have a place you can do it that she won't feel like she 'hurt you' herself or has to calm you down.

I don't know how much help this is or will be.
Just trying to give you something of a female perspective, too.
So you kinda know where it's coming from.

When our assault happened I felt dirty, felt used.
Felt contaminated and devalued.
Like rotten food left too long to spoil.
Alone. Abandoned. Dehumanized.
Powerless, frustrated, scared, hurt, angry, bitter, confused.
WHY WHY WHY kept going through my head for many months.
Couldn't stop scrubbing at my skin every time I washed up.
Sometimes I scrubbed so hard it rubbed my skin raw and open.

I hope she keeps responding, Martin.
I hope this helps you somehow.
Just keep being there for her and validate her feelings.
It will go so much farther than you might 'see' right now.

Sorry for going on so long.


#383368 - 01/24/12 08:47 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: Marie-TwoOfUs]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Not much to add, other than suggesting reassurance and non-physical affection, unless she asks first.

I'm so sorry you both are suffering. Please give her my best and let her know I know she can and will heal in her own time.

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