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#38307 - 03/17/04 07:03 AM becoming human again *TRIGGER?*
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
Yesterday, I rejoined the human race. I know that sounds absurd, but it is a fact. When I was young, I was sexually addictive and compulsive from the time I was very small. I had repressed the memories of my abuse, so I was only left with memories of all this acting out. Even if I hadnít blocked out the memories of the abuse, I feel I would have ended up in the same place.

I knew Ďnormalí people didnít act they way I was, and didnít do the things I was doing. I began to think of myself as a pervert or sick. I was flawed on a genetic or mental level in a way that made me evil and bad. Over a period of time, I separated my self from the rest of the world. They were humans, and I was some sort of monster or animal. I convinced my self that I was more of an animal than Ďnormalí humans, because of something inside of me.

Society tends to take serial killers, hardened criminals and infamous characters, and divide them from the human race. We are good, they are some evil sort of plague, a virus that sickens the world. They are things to be studied and questioned, to strain at understanding. They are not human, but something a notch below that.

Faced with an out of control sexual addiction, I removed myself from the human race. I joined the ranks of the sick and the twisted. I loathed myself for being this beast. Beasts are not worth love and compassion. They are not worthy of being free to roam society. I had gone so low as to dehumanize my self.

I have been crying every time I am alone for a week now. In therapy yesterday I realized why. I had become human again. I saw for the first time just how good of a boy I was. I wanted so badly to do the right things, and to make my parents proud. Mat took my sense of honor and right, and turned it against me. When I promised that I wouldnít tell, I set in motion and confusing mix that a five-year-old little boy couldnít untangle. Breaking my word was wrong, what we were doing was wrong, I felt I had not way out. I was trapped, and that decent, loving lad did what he thought was best, and what he believed was right.

I can finally look at myself in a whole new light. I am not a monster. I am a compassionate, loving man. I was those things then. I tried my hardest to do what was right, and at the time I thought they were right. My parents failed to impress on me to beware people like Mat. They failed to make me feel like I could trust and be open with them. I did what I had to do, in the only way I knew to do it, because I was only a innocent little boy. I didnít think on the same plain as an adult, and I couldnít act on that plain. I have spent years thinking somewhere inside that I should have acted differently. On the surface I knew that imposing adult views on a child was totally wrong, but on a deeper level I kept doing it, and I kept labeling myself based on it.

I have had a real catharsis, a deep shaking of how I view myself. I stepped out of the sub-human monster race, and back into humanity. For the first time, I realize it wasnít my fault, and I did my best, and I can say it from the heart, not just with my lips. I weep for years of being a monster, of loosing all of those. I weep for joy at having become human again. I weep for the hope of change I finally feel. I weep because I am a survivor, and I deserve to mourn what was taken from me.

jeff the human being

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#38308 - 03/17/04 11:30 AM Re: becoming human again *TRIGGER?*
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Congratulations. I don't share your enthusiasm, but I'm glad that it works for you.

I have above average intelligence. I have never felt like part of the human race. I simply can't comprehend how people can be as disgusting and thoughtless as an assaulter is. I see it at all different levels. Every day. It makes me glad that I don't feel like I'm part of the race. I find the human race and most societies disgusting. No one is willing to just take the time to respect each other, each other's person, each other's beliefs, each other's religeons, or each other's cultures. Instead, they are just a bunch of selfish morons who don't give a shit about how their actions effect other people, as long as they can get what they want and are able to justify their actions in some manner (religeon, legality, ethics, etc.) so they don't have to feel any guilt. Morality has nothing to do with legality, or religeon, or society. Morality is actually quite simple. Humans just destroy everything that they come in contact with for meaningless stupid reasons. I see them as a bunch of maggots or leeches feeding off of each other to obtain stupid material possesions that feed their egos and hide their childish insecurities. I am GLAD and PROUD that I am different from those disgusting creatures. This country is supposed to promote individualism, but at the same time, everybody who is different is crucified by society. It makes me wonder if the inner conflict of beliefs in the U.S. is what Freud was actually referring to when he responded to the question of what he thought about America, "it is a great idea, destined to failure". The other possibility that comes to my mind is that it has to do with the fact that in all of history, no democracy has ever stood the test of time. Right now the U.S. is the longest surviving democracy ever, and it is no longer a democracy, it never really was. It is becoming less of one every day.
Sorry. I'm rambling now.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#38309 - 03/17/04 12:18 PM Re: becoming human again *TRIGGER?*
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
I suppose feeling super-human, or extra-human or whatever term a person wishes to invent is healthier than being sub-human. The separation between where you are, and where I was is that you place yourself above it, and I felt under it. Even with all its flaws, being human was still better than what I was. Consider it for a moment. If you are better than humanity, at least you can have an esteem, a higher standing. Me, I was more like the rejected dregs of society, or at least that is how I saw myself. There was no room for esteem and ego. There was only room for self-loathing and hate.

Any time we separate ourselves from what we are, because no matter what we think we are all human, we are damaging ourselves. By being above it, humanity is an aggravation to you, an embarrassment. This is not a judgment mind you. I donít even know you really. I just can see even being on a higher plain would rob you of a peaceful life.

Also, for all of those things that you capture, there is a truth that not all fit into it. The sad truth is that people as a whole are compassionate and loving, but as the saying goes, Ďthe squeaky wheel gets the grease.í We are bombarded with the minority every day. We have the views and ideals of a few held up as how all feel, and it just isnít so. One person spewing hate at the tops of his lungs seems like a lot because most are apathetic. Their silence allows a few to claim they speak for all.

Before recovery I hated the world. I hated humanity for many of the things you mention. As I have wallowed in humanity through healing, and I have gotten to know that silent majority that just doesnít care enough to speak. I have learned the vast majority of people are good. They try to raise their children, and try to pay their bills. They love and hate just like I do, and sure they do bad thins, just as I have, but that doesnít mean I donít try to do right, and that hate drives me. My morality is what made living too hard. I was better than the things I was choosing, and that conflict drove me mad. Sure humanity has its ugliness, but if you look beyond it, there is a greater good that is easily overlooked because it is silent; it is outdone by the evil.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#38310 - 03/17/04 01:01 PM Re: becoming human again *TRIGGER?*
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
phoster. I do understand where you are coming from. I have talked in great detail with other people who have felt the same way that you have. Some were extremely suicidal too. It is not a good place to be. I have sympathy for you having to go through it. What I didn't mention before is that I have to believe that overall humanity is good. I look for the good in everything and everyone. So far, there are only two places where I have been unable ot find any good at all. One is in someone who murdered someone that I know. The other is the person who assaulted me. I literally know thousands of people. I am a people person. I talk to everyone, about anything. Just because I am aware of just how disgusting it all is and can see it everyday even in the people who are the most decent ones that I know, it doesn't mean that I am without hope. Hope and a belief that true and actual good (instead of subjective good) in the world will prevail is what drives me every day. I don't care if I am persecuted or prosecuted for saying what I believe in. I have been both. A pessimist can find hypocracy in everyone. I am actually closer to being an optimist. To me, the glass is neither half empty nor half full, instead, it has only reached half of it's potential in performing it's intended purpose.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#38311 - 03/17/04 01:11 PM Re: becoming human again *TRIGGER?*
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
AMEN,

man can be more than he is, if only he will care enough to try. it is sad that it takes something like we have survived to drive a man to look for something more, a higher existance.

you know when i finally started seeing the good in man? it was when i came here, and began posting and talking. i finally saw that there were many kind and loving people out there. i just had to crawl out of my self-imposed pergatory to find them. i also post to webmd and a few others. there i found more caring people. as i have shared my pain with friends, the too rose to the occasion, showing me even more. i think sometimes it get so easy to focus on the negative, that we overlook all the good. i also believe as survivors it is in our nature to do that very thing.

thanks for your views, and for clarifying them. lets hope someday man will rise to his potential.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#38312 - 03/17/04 05:27 PM Re: becoming human again *TRIGGER?*
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Jeff - I am pleased to see how much progress you have made recently, it really shines out from your words.

Mike - I am pleased that you are still optimistic about members of the human race having potential for good.

Personally - one pair of hands put me into a pit in which I stayed for years. Now that I have reached out of that pit, there are so many pairs of hands helping me out. For that reason, I must remain optimistic

I've really enjoyed reading both of your comments on this posting.

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#38313 - 03/18/04 01:38 AM Re: becoming human again *TRIGGER?*
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Quote:
Originally posted by RICK57:
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
I help people every day of my life. I have been doing it for years. That is what I do. It has become almost all that I do. The only thanks or gratification that comes out of it is the self gratification of knowing that you are making a difference. It's sort of like quantum physics, if a butterfly flaps it's wings in China, could it make a hurricane in the U.S.? Even if you just smile and are nice to one person a day and make their day just a little brighter, could it make world peace? Eventually, maybe, even if it doesn't, it still makes a difference that can effect hundreds of people in a very short period of time.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#38314 - 03/19/04 12:49 AM Re: becoming human again *TRIGGER?*
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Jeff, thank you for sharing so much of yourself. Not only with this post, but with all of them. I am so very impressed with you, and admire your strength a great deal.

What is 'normal' people? In order for to have something be 'normal' or 'abnormal', you have to have like a specific standard (um, is 'achetype' the proper word?) Who sets that standard? Who is that standard, as example of normal? I know that we set standards as society, but are they right? Look at for how long it has taken for civil rights in this and other countries to be applied (somewhat) equally. Look at the current upset over gay marriage. It is because it goes against a standard of 'normal'. But who has the right to set even that standard? I am not gay, but have friends who are, and it is quite 'normal' for them.

Sorry to 'rant' of it, I just think the term 'normal' is overused in terms of people. We are all normal, we are all not normal. But we are all truly human, no argument with that!

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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