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#383614 - 01/27/12 10:25 AM Re: Understanding F & F Forum Purpose? [Re: Gretta]
Dar Offline

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
OMG, You guys need to get some sleep. Go to bed! LOL

(Proud of you all)

All I ever wanted was a hug.

#383648 - 01/27/12 08:07 PM Re: Understanding F & F Forum Purpose? [Re: Dar]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Phoenix and Hero's last posts nailed it for me.

As a CSA survivor myself, and as a person with multiple years of sobriety, I don't leave a lot of wiggle room in the avoiding accountability department. I just don't. I don't expect perfection, and I understand that my time frame is not my husband's time frame, but I do expect this: once he told his story, he could choose to grow or to go.

I will not play the "whose CSA was worse or more extreme game", and I won't pretend that marital abuse did not and is not happening. It's heart-breaking that the two are intertwined, but it's a disservice to his recovery and to mine (on multiple fronts) to not hold him accountable for his actions. CSA cannot be the scapegoat for dangerous actions as an adult. That said, should he choose to continue to live in any addictions without seeking recovery at all, and without being relatively open about where he is in that recovery, then I simply cannot stay. It's too dangerous for me physically, spiritually and emotionally.

It's difficult to support anyone who wants to stay sick. It's not as difficult to support someone who acknowledges 'slips'. yet at the same time, I am completely allowed to have deal-breakers, no matter what the root cause of the actions are. As a female survivor who acted out sexually, I can look back and see how my own shame drove me to either leave or be left in more than one marriage. Multiply that x10,000and that might come close to the shame male survivors carry. And it's still not an excuse that can justify acting out. Explain, yes. Justify in the face of limited willingness or awareness to recover? Nope.

I support recovery if it really is recovery and not crying wolf, which is personally where I'm at. I don't know if survivors here have done that, but that's what my husband is doing. It really hurts.

I'm discombobulated. Survivors, please know that I might be healthier tomorrow. I so appreciate your bluntness and honesty, even in the face of an emotionally difficult conversation.

#383660 - 01/27/12 10:19 PM Re: Understanding F & F Forum Purpose? [Re: Airmid]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger. REad at your own risk.

Geeeeez, u guys give me way too much kindness.

I was 17 or so at the time, there was no genital penetration but even then, 30 yers ago, the police called it rape.

WAs it traumatic? Yes, but it was with a stranger. Has it effected me? Yes, I have dealt with panic disorder. It was very very scary and at one point, I thought I would try to kill him but was afraid I had but one shot (not a gunshot) and then he would have killed me.

Anyway, it is history. VERY SCARY. Let me just say this about my pain and maybe others here as well.

To just call what our husbands have done to us "infidelity" is such an understatement, at least in my case and my other friends on here. Our husbands have not just had a girlfriend it is WAY worse and probably not something I care to share with everyone.

That is where the pain lies.

Am I comparing my pain or any other wives pain to a survivors pain? I am sure it is different. You don't know mine and I don't know yours and it doesn't really matter.

My point is the emotions and pain here are very raw and this is the only place other than 12 step meetings you can share and try to get some clarity.

I do want to take a moment to thank the survivors who have been so kind to me on here and helped me so much, mostly Whome and Mountainous BUck. I thank you for not taking my pain personally and trying to help me understand some things. U are truly strong and admirable men and I will be forever grateful.

As as for my little wife group here, I love u all. You keep me sane.

It sounds like I am saying goodbye to you all.

HUH! You wish!!!! I am so grateful for those of you who have helped me so much.

I am going to start a new topic so we can move on and be friends.

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