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#382686 - 01/18/12 12:51 PM Re: My son [Re: whome]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
He is both artist and playful. There is a pit at the bottom of my stomach thinking that this is a possibility.

#382691 - 01/18/12 01:57 PM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
kb8715 Offline

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 811
Gretta I feel for you guys.

I know you do appreciate men abused as kids can and do become great if not hyper-vigilant dad's. Ask our 3 teenagers and they will tell you. So kudo's to you & your husband most of all.

Second, I think only a pro will help here. Maybe it is your son and his dad going to the T together.

My main point is that this hits home for me. My wife is a survivor and her perp Dad hurt our nephew (an incredible young man I consider as our 4th kid). At 8 he was really acting out, but never as you describe in your son.

He lit fires, had gut issues, got into fights, was drinking by 12 and had his first arrest by then too. There are many ways it shows sadly. He doesn't know of my own abuse at the hands of a clergyman, but disclosed to me last year and he's going to make it in recovery. No way he does not.

Like you, the toughest thing I ever did was asking our own kids if that piece of shit Grandpa ever did anything wrong. I don't think so galdly.

Good loving parents make all the difference....sounds like your 3 kids know that already.

So get the support you all need, but hey, sometimes funny witty, clever kids are just that too! Here is hoping he just a real cool middle kid!

PM if it helps. Like you I married into an incest family and its a handful at times. But my wife and I really count our blessings too!

"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

#382702 - 01/18/12 03:16 PM Re: My son [Re: kb8715]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
I've held off because my bluntness isn't always appreciated.

I think, you must consult a trained T in these issues...I dont think a disclosure on your husbands part or continued asking is the way to go at all.

I think a good idea is to try and make him feel safe and you believe and hear what he says and not so exciteable...I know as a father how hard that is, and can be...besides feeling like we can talk to people, we have a need to be believed and heard. This is not to say that you dont believe him, but you have to work through his understanding,fears, issues and he just may not have the right memories or understanding to go along with the rewiring his brain went through if he was abused. just .02.


#382747 - 01/19/12 12:32 AM Re: My son [Re: Castle]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
I appreciate everyone's input. One thing I do with my children each night is ask them what was there high and low was for the day. They sing like canaries. First of all they have my undivided attention and if something good or bad happened to them that day they usually spill the beans. I gotten more out of them that way then ever asking them directly about their day.

My husband asked his therapist today about my son and he doesn't seem to think the primary signs are there but I am not stopping there. I am going to consult someone who deals primarily with children. They can always take a some time with him.

staying calm I agree is the most important and I will build the trust with him that I will believe him. Thanks again for the input.

#383005 - 01/21/12 05:54 AM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
skingraph Offline

Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 39
Gretta,that one phrase bothers me alot in your previous post,He lacks self confidence. He does well in school and seems to have friends.

He lacks self confidence.Subconsciously why even bother,at ten years old thats how I felt,but when it came to physical confrotation even if somebody touched me,as in like my older brother that was 2years older than me,I nearly choked him to death.really!

He does well in school.That part well is always easy to explain,when you got decent food on your plate,cloths,toys,etc.Dont want the parents to get mad if you screw up in school,fear is really controlling.

Seems to have friends.Well I knew alot of people in school or outside of school.Never really friends with any of them.Though I have like one true friend,that i went to school with,never talked to him in school,I knew his name.Only became true friends after graduation.

Your son Gretta,maybe fine,or may not.All I can say to you is,when young kids experience bad things,they tend to lock them away for a long time,in very bad a way,that screws up their lives,though somethings will never change that and make it pure.

#383054 - 01/22/12 02:38 AM Re: My son [Re: skingraph]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Gretta,

I kept my abuse hidden for over 40 years before I disclosed. When I told my siblings, they weren't at all surprised; they "just" knew that something wasn't right with me but not what. They were actually keeping an eye on me to make sure I was OK.

Here are a very few of possible indications of abuse. Did you see any sudden changes in his behavior - bed wetting when he was toilet trained, not wanting to see his granddad all of a sudden, sudden anger tantrums, etc? There is lots of info on the net if you want to do more research. Just google child sexual abuse and you'll get 100's of hits.

Too much attention can be just as bad as, if not worse than no attention. Like somebody else said - DO NOT keep pestering him; you'll just turn him off, possibly delay his disclosure and he may not even talk to you about it when he does disclose his abuse IF he was in fact abused.

I would just tell him that if he ever wants to talk to you about ANYTHING at all, you would be more than happy to talk to him at any time and leave it at that.

Best of luck with your kid and hopefully he was never abused!!!

I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#383363 - 01/24/12 08:01 PM Re: My son [Re: Sailor John]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
I have totally laid off asking him and I am just trying to spend one on one time with him. He's a quirky little kid and his mind works in a completely different way then the rest of my family. Which makes him a jewel. In talking to both our therapist they don't think he shows the main signs but I will always keep an eye out.

We had a kid in our town commit suicide and it opened up the dinner table for the the discussion that nothing is so bad that they can't talk to us. We are their parents and we love them unconditionally.

I appreciate everyone's input and for the time being I am going to let it rest.

#383461 - 01/26/12 12:48 AM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Excellent! You're a great mother, Gretta!!!


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

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