Newest Members
UniversalBeing, Squirmish20, Cunobelin, Dean-GMoT, hunterprince
13497 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
aleja (43), bc22 (50), DavidMI (43), Forrest_Gump (42), Jay1946 (71), Malc4 (32), mpm01 (52), widpaulman (46)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 47 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,497 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,041 Topics
488,964 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#382156 - 01/12/12 07:50 AM Back to really bad news
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I went away to visit my Dad for his 80th birthday, and took my daughter with me. We had a really great time with Grandpappy and swam in the sea and went out and had fun.
I would call my wife, with whom I am having a bit of a strained relationship, and found her very distant and not really happy to talk to me.
On the one day I went and met with a T who has helped me tons long distance, and before I met with her face to face for the first time, My wife called and wanted to talk to me desperately.
I went somewhere private and said what's up babe.
The response I go was one I did not expect in a million Years.

"I HAVE BEEN RAPED"
WTF who, what, what are you talking about?
Turns out that her cousins husband, who knew we were away, called her and offered a shoulder to cry on because of the problems she is having with me.
He slipped her a rohipnol, (Date rape drug) or something, played the hero and drove her home and raped her.
What the fuck,
How do I take it from now, she doesn't want to prosecute, and am not going to force her. Perhaps next week she will change her mind.
What can I do right now to deal with this, beside killing the fucker?

ADVICE PLEASE

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#382158 - 01/12/12 08:01 AM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: whome]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
By me saying "you don't want to hear my advice," pretty much gives away my position. I'm SO SO SO very horrified for the both of you.

I want to gather-up my hardware and make it right.

I don't understand this world, and right now I don't need to understand one more thing to act. I honestly believe an adult male doing such a thing to another is fully leaving himself open for certain results...and this guy knows that.

God....I hate this. I don't get it. I really don't. But the clear results were clear to that bastard when he plotted this.

I'm sorry this may not be a healthy reply...but its all I've got to offer when a terrorist is in our midst.


Top
#382160 - 01/12/12 08:16 AM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: whome]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
This is very disturbing. I am very very sorry you ALL are going through this, and will be for some time.

Please, please find a way to report this crime. Silence will empower the perpetrator to do it again...and again. If his crime is covered in silence, he will be forever empowered and you and your wife will regret it deeply.

His future victims may never be his victims if he is exposed now.


Top
#382162 - 01/12/12 09:05 AM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: WriterKeith]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3842
Loc: South-East Europe
Dear Martin, this is really upsetting.
Please be support to your wife and try to push her a little bit to get some help. She must be in shock, maybe in denial or whatsoever. You have huge experience in dealing with survivors don't let things go of out of control. Take care that she talk to someone who is professionally skilled to give support to victims. Please, she needs it as soon as possible...You have huge knowledge use it.
Thing that you know attacker is disturbing and could cause a lot trouble to both of you in near future. Maybe you should also talk (again as soon as possible) about it with your T and get some support? I'm freaked out just by reading it, can't even imagine that something like that happened in my closest family; I would be like timed bomb with very short fuse if someone close was attacked in such way..
I'm with you both in my prayers!
Pero



_________________________
My story

Top
#382167 - 01/12/12 12:02 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: whome]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: whome
...What can I do right now to deal with this...


what a horror.

must say in all my life have never experienced someone in my life who was raped "presently." it was always something from the past.

i think its easy to come up with an emotional response such as ways to react or act towards him. instead, i suppose i would suggest thinking of what your wife needs now, which you know, she may or may not even know herself. ''be there for her,'' as we know firsthand that alone is a pretty big element of dealing with really bad news.

peace to her.

_________________________
Jeff

Top
#382168 - 01/12/12 12:32 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: westchesterguy]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5968
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Martin, I am deeply saddened by this traumatic event in your life. To love someone and have them violated creates feelings of helplessness, fear and anger. The responses here are good advice, I would add that from a legal perspective, she needs to have an exam and a blood test. If she ever wants to bring charges these things must be minimally done. He obviously planned this, so there may be other victims you may find in her family.
The emotional and supportive side is to be very patient and supportive with her. Let her know she is very important to you, be physically present and reassuring. Please remember, you are the support here, not the counselor. She may not want to talk about it, perhaps feeling it is a burden with your situation. Don't pry. Offer to take her to a rape counselor, therapist, lawyer or the police. She needs to be in an environment that is calm so that she can feel safe and open herself to the trauma and begin to heal.
There is a time limit on the tests, but ultimately all you can do is encourage with urgency. Please know her embarrassment and shame may fight against your will to charge the perpetrator, albeit unwittingly.
I cannot fathom the pain this tragedy has filled you with, Martin, and hope that you and your wife will find peace and closure,
Sam


_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#382171 - 01/12/12 01:01 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: SamV]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Please try to get professional support for her like other men have encouraged.

I posted an article here yesterday about facing trauma as adults - I think that might give u some real life example and perspective as to how to proceed.

Bottom line, no one can face trauma alone. Isolation and secrecy kill us. Try to be safe and strong and get the help she needs. She is terrified.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#382176 - 01/12/12 03:39 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: Mountainous Buck]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi All

Thanks for the support and Kind words.
It has been a traumatic situation, given that it is someone in the family that perpetrated this crime.
My friend, who found her at home the day after, arranged for all the rape kits and the blood tests to be done, he even went so far as to Bag the cloths she was wearing for evidence. Quick thinking.
A trauma councillor is seeing her and, I must say that she is responding well. She has her ups and downs.
I had the unenviable task of calling his wife, (My wife's cousin)and telling her what a despicable little piece of crap she is married too. Not fun.
I also sent him a message telling him that we have had blood tests, and a rape kit done, and that I am coming after him with all that the law provides.
I still await a response to this. (doubt I will ever get one)
So thanks again for all the kind words and the support. I really appreciate it.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#382179 - 01/12/12 03:43 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: Mountainous Buck]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1481
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/18/13 03:41 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

Top
#382187 - 01/12/12 05:36 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: lapchinj]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3710
Martin

How horrible for your wife--thoughts are with her, you and your family. She needs to get professional help immediately. She will need it--now you will be on the other side, offering her support for what she has gone through. It will be difficult times for you both, but as a survivor you will understand many of her feelings of lost trust, value and worthlessness. Every time I hear of someone being raped or sexually abused my heart sinks and so many emotions run through my body and I think why does this not end. So many people are living with the affects of abuse.

I wish her well on her healing and to you and your family. Keep strong.

Best wishes,

Kevin


Top
#382190 - 01/12/12 05:38 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: lapchinj]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Can only agree with everyone else. You are doing the right things. I am soooooooooooooo sorry to hear this.

Jim

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

Top
#382191 - 01/12/12 05:40 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: lapchinj]
ShortedDiode Offline


Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 120
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
All I can do is second the suggestions that everybody else has made. I'm glad your wife's seeing professional help and responding well. Your quick thinking friend probably helped a lot by gathering up all that evidence as soon as he found your wife and that's important because it'll help make sure any charges stick. Are the police involved? The fact that the cousin's husband who did this used a drug worries me: if he's done that once, how many previous victims does he have and how many more is he planning on having? He needs to get shut down ASAP otherwise there will probably be more.

_________________________
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

Top
#382203 - 01/12/12 07:45 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: KMCINVA]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1595
Loc: California
Martin,

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your wife.

D


Top
#382240 - 01/13/12 08:39 AM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: whome]
TheTwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
Hels bells, Martin... I've written and re-wriitten my response to this about ten times now because it is SO hard not to just type with gut reaction. And gut reaction is not what you need, I know.

Be WITH her. Physically, be in the room WITH her. Get to her, or get her to you. I'm glad she's getting help, glad she's responding to it. But you need to be WITH her above all else.

Sis spent DAYS and DAYS just crying and screaming, and all she wanted at the time was someone to cry on, because she didn't know what the hell else to DO with herself.

Does your wife any history of abuse in the past? If this is her first experience she is NOT going to have the coping mechanisms in place that you have. I know I sure as hell didn't! And neither did my sister.

Be there. Don't leavve her alone. Don't be surprised if she shies away from touch. I hope like hell she doesn't remember much of it with the drug, but you nevver know. The rest has already been said by others in this thread and I can't add anything moe to that.

I would definitely get it reported. I don't know about your country, but in mine, you can report without actively pursuing charges. but at the very least reporting it will keep her options open in the future! And migh possibly help to keeping him from doing this to anyon else. And like someone else here said, she probably wasn't his first, and it DOES need to be reported or he might try it again.

I am SO SO SO sorry this happened. Reading this makes my whole gut twist up, I'm SO sorry, Martin.



Edited by TheTwoOfUs (01/13/12 08:43 AM)
_________________________
Matthew

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

Top
#382295 - 01/13/12 08:13 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: whome]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Martin, (((((Martin))))))

I am so sorry to hear of this. It makes me cry with sadness and anger. I am so sorry for the both of you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers mate.

take good care man.

peace

paul

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

Top
#382354 - 01/14/12 08:27 AM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: pbert53]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi All

Thanks for all the Kind words and support. I takes my breath away, the Brotherhood on this site, and the support one receives. ITS AWESOME.

The Wife is in therapy,(Trauma) and I fortunately have a good therapist. But more than this we have awesome friends. I have never, and I mean never had an awesome friend.
Our friends have been with us every step of the way, always respecting our pain, anger, outrage, and vengeance thoughts. I cant believe what it is like to have such selfless friends. Prior to my healing journey, I would always keep friends at arms length, never letting them in and never letting them get close to me, or for that matter my family. I have so many people to make amends to, it will Take a lifetime.

But enough about that. My beloved is doing well, she is a brave and courages woman, I mean to have this happen once in a lifetime is bad but she has had to endure it twice? sick sick world that we live in.

I have been a great support to her, always putting her needs before anything that I want and need. I hope that this proves my devotion to her and through this tragedy, some good would emerge, and our marriage can be healed.

Again thank you to all for the words of support and the outpouring of sympathy, it has helped me tremendously, and in that kept me sane enough to support her.

Thanks all
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#382398 - 01/14/12 11:56 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: whome]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1481
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/18/13 03:40 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.