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#382279 - 01/13/12 05:09 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: EdfromNYC]
dcjames Offline

Registered: 05/10/09
Posts: 2
Are you a therapist? When I read what you wrote I kept wondering.

#382280 - 01/13/12 05:21 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: dcjames]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
Please dont disappear, i will not make this about you at all.

I think its important to have a safe place to talk about these issues...and I think as stated numerous times around here, many aspects of this are not DIY, but require skilled council to work through the various issues.

Real change is very hard. Questioning all the bad messages we have heard and used to protect ourselves is really necessary to move forward through recovery.

I hope those who have the want, search out, and find help...dont give up on yourselves.


#382290 - 01/13/12 07:02 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: dcjames]
EdfromNYC Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 316
Loc: New York City
No, I'm not a therapist. Clarity of thought and clarity of expression are both very important to me.

And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

#382292 - 01/13/12 07:26 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Castle]
Asmodeus Offline

Registered: 10/25/05
Posts: 112
Loc: Vestavia, Alabama, USA
There's no question that sexual abuse fucks with the mind. Being gay sure as hell didn't stop me from being a homophobe when I was a teenager. The abuse started at 12 and I didn't allow myself to aknowledge that I like guys until I was 19. The part that I find most ironic when looking back is that being raped by a homophobe for 2 years made me a homophobe. If that's not an example of how sexual abuse fucks your mind I don't know what is.

I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not fake.

#382300 - 01/13/12 09:01 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Castle]
Edward Wong Offline

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 42
Originally Posted By: Castle
Can you expand a bit, if its safe for you, Edward, why you feel talk therapy didn't help you?

Are you opposed to trying it again?

When you tried before, were you actively working on recovery?
(I'm not asking that in a negative way, I just dont know where in your process you are)

The last time I tried talk therapy was 6 years ago, when I was a college freshmen. I had just begun recovering the memories and they were interfering with my academic performance.

When I started taking SSRIs, I became emotionally sterile. I could no longer feel pain or happiness. I was still recovering memories of abuse, but I wasn't able to process them emotionally.

I stopped seeing my psychologist when I when home after the spring semester. When I came back in the fall, I decided to only see psychiatrist for medication refills. The SSRIs left me devoid of the sense of emotion needed to confront the memories. Since I couldn't confront the memories, didn't see a point to talk therapy. I preferred to just dull away the pain with SSRIs.

This fall, my wife began her third year of medical school. As a result of her psychiatry rotation, she began nudging me to begin moving forwards again with my recovery.

#382301 - 01/13/12 09:07 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Asmodeus]
westchesterguy Offline

Registered: 11/14/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
i was a bit surprised how many guys said their peds were "gay."

i have developed my own theory from general gay male discussion groups over the years, one which is rather divided along generational lines. but i am beginning to think that gay men who are over 60 today --when they were in their 20s-40s-- may not have thought it harmful to have "mutually consenting" sex with guy who was not yet of legal age.

in those same general discussion groups, it is the guys in their 20s-30s who claimed older men "showed them the ropes" when they were teens, and yet sex was furthest from their little minds....they just sought a male mentor. and, in all cases those younger men "resented being used for sexual pleasure." (didn't call it abuse although i think it was in a way.) whereas the guys over 60, passed it off, laughed it off sometimes, as just a part of gay life. another common response: "an older guy got me off when i was younger and i wanted it and love it."

just one example, but i firmly believe that the so-called "diverse" gay lifestyle is so open to an unlimited number of things bright, odd and beautiful, and that in the end that lack of clarity and lack of sympathy and a ill-defined community diminishes the acceptance of gay men in our culture.

lack of acceptance = lack of understanding and homophobia etc.

but as i've said here before, and as i've said in public, and in public speeches -- there is no one to blame for homophobia except the gay community itself.

it is the gay community who must come together and fix the perceptions by practicing morality, condemning what is immoral, becoming part of the larger straight community rather than just living in the silo-thinking "lbgt center" and demanding special recognition for simply being alive.

all of this probably explains why i rarely ever participate in anything "gay." :-) it is not what defines me at all.


#382302 - 01/13/12 09:15 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Edward Wong]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
TY for trusting us.

sounds like a good caring wife.

Maybe It's time to give it another shot?

Still on the SSRI's? feeling devout of emotion?

I understand numbing, legal and illegal.

Do you share any common interests with the BIL?

Dont conceed to just numbing it away, you can fight this and not allow the abuse to control your life...You are worth it.


#382326 - 01/14/12 01:53 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
F.A. Offline

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
Originally Posted By: KMCINVA
I am learning how I perceived myself allowed me to live a life of allowing others to treat me poorly, take advantage of me. I become the whipping boy for others--further diminishing my sense of worth.

This hit me to the core, thank you for the post


To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
My Story:

#382337 - 01/14/12 04:55 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: InsideTheWall]
InsideTheWall Offline

Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 297
Originally Posted By: InsideTheWall
If I'm homophobic, its because I want to be

Castle: The above is a typo that I would never support, and only just noticed. I very definitely meant to say that I do NOT want to be homophobic and find homophobia wrong. I'm sorry man, and don't blame you for being mad. Please consider the rest of what I wrote.

Edited by InsideTheWall (01/14/12 05:06 AM)

#382358 - 01/14/12 09:38 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Edward Wong]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Wrong post

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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