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#3820 - 08/07/03 04:58 AM I had that dream again *trigger*
Sick Puppy Offline

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
I had that dream again last night. I have it a lot. I don't know where it comes from.

I am in some place, some building. By the look of it it's some sort of public institution, like a school or something. It seems like a mix between a school and a prison. It doesn't look like a prison at all, but I get the feeling that the people in there are there to stay for a while, and freedom is restricted.

I am in the building. I think I am an older child or a teenager, but it's hard to tell since I am inside myself and not seeing myself. I am being led around by this guy who's maybe 17. He's showing me various rooms and explaining things to me. I am new.

I get led into this room with a bunch of kids (I'd say ages 10-18 or so). There are a couple adults standing around. It is a small room... longer than it is wide. At the far end is a small kitchen, and the rest is carpeted with a pinkish red sort of carpet and there are benches in the center, and bookshelves against the wall, and toys on the floor. At the far end near the door is a tiny bathroom with a toilet and a sink and a shower stall. I sit down on one of the benches.

The kids start to talk to me and tell me about the various unspoken social rules of the place. They seem to be in tight social groups already. They explain to me how things work, what to expect, and who is boss. I feel intimidated. They are not very friendly.

At some point I get pushed into the shower stall, with my clothes still on, and the water soaks me and goes down my back. I am angry. I ask them why they did that. They want me to know who's in charge.

They bring me back to the bench and lay me across it... they are just kids, but I'm a kid too, and I am small. They rape me. They tell me this happens to everyone, they're showing me the hierarchy. They're showing me who is boss.

When it is done I get up and put my pants back on... we are all wearing similar clothing, like a uniform. This again gives me the prison feeling. I get led out of the room into another very similar to it. I am told by the guy who'd been leading me around that they were switching my group. In the next room I am spoken to again, and then raped. I am left in the room, and the kids go back to normal, as if they had not just assaulted me. I feel that I'm bleeding.

The dream pretty much ends there. I have it every few months. It's always exactly the same. It is strange to me because all my other nightmares are flashbacks of things that have happened to me in the past. I don't remember anything like this. I guess it's derived from my experiences in prison... but it always sticks out to me, because it's not a flashback.

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

#3821 - 08/07/03 06:35 PM Re: I had that dream again *trigger*
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada

I hear you brother. I too have nightmares that are based upon my sexual abuse and prostitution.
I cannot remember the exact details but am sure that many of the are fantasy. Because I no longer re-enact my SA and am no longer on the street I no longer participate in the degredation and the pain.

I have a certain addiction to it in that I felt terribly wanted when it happened ( kind of a sick thing really) and to be quite frank I suppose my body misses it or at least my subconscious.

The nightmares always involve pain, violence and being used. Yours, I think, are the same.

What we have to do is just realize that possible it is your mind subconsciously giving you what you perceive to want in a very non harmful whay until you no longer need that rush. Much the same as methadone does for a recovering heroin addict.

I am not a psychiatrist or therapist just a survivor but I think I am right. Any therapists out there who can correct or coroberate this please do so.



#3822 - 08/08/03 02:45 AM Re: I had that dream again *trigger*
MEC Offline

Registered: 05/14/03
Posts: 62
Loc: NJ
Hi Josh,
Just want to take the opportunity to welcome you back. Thanks for sharing and unburdening yourself.

I think Mike has it right, bits and pieces of past experiences come together to play out a fear, desire, etc. Possibly here, desperately wanting to be wanted. It's really scary how alike our minds work; ours as survivors I mean.

Stay well and keep talking


#3823 - 08/08/03 03:21 AM Re: I had that dream again *trigger*
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Josh,

Thanks for sharing your dream. The American Indians say, I am told, that a dream is a gift and a mesage from the Great Spirit.

In reality, you were jerked around and made to feel of no account when you were in school, as well as when you were in prison. You were at the absolute bottom of the pecking order. But no more.

Certainly your gang rapes come through. Also, the fact that you had to become a fellow prisoners "boy" to be protected--most of the time. That seems to me very true then, to the dream. The children seem innocent enough, but in fact they are depraved. They violate you, but they don't crush the you in you.

But in your dream, you do not seem to be so damaged. You go from place to place. You feel that you can't get free and that even the little kids are not safe. Was any place safe for a youth in prison?

But Josh, it seems to me like you are on the brink of being more independent in your dream. You seem to be making it through and I get the impression that you are learning some powerful lessons. Lessons for the time as a kid and for now.

I don't know anything about interpreting dreams. But yours caught me, and made me think that this kid is about to understand that what was done to him was an atrocity, that he is maybe going to be safe enough to get mad as hell, and then break out of that school--prison that taught wrong lessons. You no longer need to be led about. You can stand on your own. I think something like that is coming to you. You don't seem to need a protector at the end of the dream.

Peace friend.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#3824 - 08/09/03 12:33 AM Re: I had that dream again *trigger*
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I think I went to that place as well, and it wasn't fun.

I still get the dreams, and they're no fun either.

You're not alone Josh.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#3825 - 08/09/03 12:37 AM Re: I had that dream again *trigger*
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am sorry of your dream. I must admit at you, I could not read of the whole post of it, it just became too much at me. But I wished you to know that your words are heard. I wish you well.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#3826 - 08/09/03 04:04 PM Re: I had that dream again *trigger*
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Josh - Those nightmares or sometimes night terrors are a pain the XXX!!!But, they are probably allowing your body memories and your mind memories to work out inner emotions. While our abuse occurs, especially at earlier ages, the episodes are stored as best we can at our ages. When we are younger (perhaps non-verbal) we store these memories in non-verbal ways. They get played out in non-verbal ways (perhaps in dreams) emerging as feelings and enabling us to verbalize some of that stuff we hid within.

Does this help you make any more sense of that nightmare? Since dreams are not really under our contol, the best I seem to do is try to understand the feelings and know I survived!!


If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd


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