Newest Members
Meyekell, Muyoso, kaa, bsm, davkli
13206 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Beluga (66), Isreal101 (67), Phil Sober (43), phil1973 (43), Teddy Bear (65)
Who's Online
2 registered (2 invisible), 40 Guests and 8 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,206 Registered Members
75 Forums
68,427 Topics
476,151 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#381815 - 01/08/12 06:05 PM I Wish I Could Just Scream
innocence lost Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 61
Loc: Cleveland. Ohio USA
This is such a hard, hard topic for me that I can't even begin to open the can of worms associated with it. I've mentioned it to my therapist several times but we've never truly addressed it.

I don't belong anywhere. I'm neither gay nor straight yet in some ways I'm both while not belonging to either community. So much of this goes back to not wanted to abuse others or doing what I preceive as abuse as I didn't like it when it happened to me.

If anyone ever heard my abduction story as a 10 year old boy and was supicious of my being abuser based on the false assumption that "all guys who were abused go on to become abuser", that would kill me. It would kill me because it so very very very much the opposite for me. I wouln't/couldn't take advantage of someone sexually and am overly tuned in to anything that might be causing discomfort or pain.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Top
#381831 - 01/08/12 10:42 PM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: innocence lost]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
I hear you, man! Not gay - but don't function well as hetero either. But elements of both that are in constant conflict and cause anxiety and discomfort with any contact beyond a simple handshake. Yeah - and I go so far to avoid anything that could be misinterpreted as abuse that I avoid normal human expressions of afffection and end up being alone and perceived as cold and stand-offish. I even have a tough time initiating physical intimacy in the most safe and protected setting and relationship.
Anyway --- you're not the only one, if that helps at all. It IS hard, I know...

Lee

_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#381944 - 01/10/12 04:02 AM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:34 PM)

Top
#382037 - 01/10/12 06:57 PM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
L.A.D.
Ah yes - we're among the 2/3 of survivors who DON'T act out in that way and become perps ourselves. But what do you always hear about? The 1/3 who end up as abusers. And you even hear the statement "MANY" victims become abusers themselves." OK - so 1/3 is a terrible amount - BUT it is not the majority! And it makes me cry inside every time I hear it. Makes me want to dig my hole deeper and bury myself without any thought of coming up again. I don't dare tell my story because I'll automatically be branded as a pedo/perp. Regardless of the fact that I am so tied up in knots that I can't have any kind of physical relationship - whether normal or abnormal - it's all equally scary. Suddenly I become a suspect instead of a victim. This issue comes closest to making me mad of just about anything - and my anger has been pretty effectively anesthetized by my perps, too - along with nearly every other emotion - healthy or not. I'd rather die than hurt anyone else like I was hurt. That's the biggest deterrent I can imagine.
- Lee

_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#382041 - 01/10/12 09:01 PM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:34 PM)

Top
#382126 - 01/11/12 07:56 PM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
Hey, Innocence Lost & Life's a Dream:

Yup - the confusion!

Maybe the trauma disconnected our emotions or scrambled the circuits or something. I know I'm *supposed* to have both emotional and sexual attractions to the same person, but it's like one goes one direction and the other goes the other. I can't seem to connect love and sex or even get them anywhere close together. They are like opposites to me. Sex is either just physical and neutral or else loaded with negative and scary associations. Love is in a little box that must remain pure and untouched and therefore is difficult to consummate.

And the emotions are almost totally disconnected. I have enough awareness to recognize the feelings I *should" be having - but don't really feel them - just sort of identify them without experiencing them fully. Numb. Like the lyrics from "My Little Town" by Paul Simon:

"and after it rains there's a rainbow,
But all of the colors are black.
It's not that the colors arenb't there -
Just imagination they lack."

That's my emotions - all shades of black. And my relationships all get screwed up from the deadening of the emotions.

And weird thing - though I fear and resent the same sex events that got me here, I sort of indentify with and understand and feel defensive about gays - though I don't want to join them and would run like hell if ever approached in that way.

But at the same time, I have a desire to be fully a part of the hetero world but feel excluded and disqualified and unable to participate there.

What is left......?

Lee

_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#382127 - 01/11/12 08:12 PM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
Life's A Dream -

Just read your last post again and realized there was another point to respond to...

Yeah, women are way more free to express emotions. That is a trait ingrained in both males and females from birth. Girls are emotional. Guys are rational. Don't show your feelings - above all - BOYS DON"T CRY!!!

For me, I was made to feel by my step-father (also Perpetrator) that my emotions were invalid and worthless and I knew that they were also dangerous because they exposed my weaknesses and made me more vulnerable. If I didn't express hurt then maybe I wouldn't be hurt as much and couldn't feel the hurt. I just switched it off. Now that I think of it, it was almost a conscious decision. It's harder to reverse it.

Then when I was bullied and abused at school, scouts and the Y, I had the same lesson re-inforced - don't let em know how much they are getting to you. It will only be worse. No wonder we keep our feelings secret from everyone else - to the point where they become a mystery to us as well.

As for anger - I just can't seem to get it to "work." Maybe if I could just really lose control once it would be a health thing, but I can't imagine it ever happening. I can put it all into words - but that is as far as it goes. I am really into self-control in that area. I feel pressure building up and lots of anxiety but no real anger at all. My T once told me I told my story with the same level of feeling as if i was reading the phone book. Since then I've managed to find and express some grief but no anger...

Lee

_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#382151 - 01/12/12 02:07 AM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:34 PM)

Top
#382152 - 01/12/12 02:13 AM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:34 PM)

Top
#382153 - 01/12/12 02:14 AM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:34 PM)

Top
#382154 - 01/12/12 02:18 AM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:33 PM)

Top
#382172 - 01/12/12 08:07 AM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
Yeah - once a T tried to get me to scream in rage and I could not do it. I was too self-conscious, felt like it wold be fake, practically paralyzed with the inability to do anything that would be emotionally extreme. He even suggested I scream into a pillow if it made it easier. Couldn't do that either. And yet I read other posts of survivors who struggle with controlling anger. Guess it's one extreme or the other... If it was just the unpleasant emotions that I didn't feel it wouldn't be as bad, but I lose out on the good ones too.

_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#382175 - 01/12/12 10:34 AM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: traveler]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3102
Interesting--my T has tried the same thing--I have been able to show some anger but much of it is repressed but it is slowly coming to the surface. It shows up in flashbacks and thoughts. When I do show the anger the T can feel my anger and pain. I actually do feel better when I get angry in therapy--I can sound out my anger at the abuser and what has been done to me.

Like you, this emotion is painful because it is letting you process the memories and letting go of the pain and anger. It takes time and like you I do not like the feelings of the pain, but I have learned it is the only way to let go.

Good luck


Top
#382225 - 01/12/12 07:57 PM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up - NOT a suicide threat - just a wish not to feel so miserable. That's about the only thing i DO feel. Sometimes i wish i could just go back to the place before I was remembering stuff. i was hurting less then. Now the pandora's box has been opened and I can't stuff all the bad things back inside. Gotta go forward to get out of this. But i feel like Pigpen in the Peanuts cartoons. A little personal dark cloud of infection, contagion, pollution, corruption, degradation, taint, dirtiness, and guilt surrounds and accompanies me everywhere I go. and I see everything through that murky fog. I used to be able to not think about it or forget it for long periods or just not go there. Now it's in my face ALL THE F-ING TIME!

_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#382235 - 01/12/12 11:16 PM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: innocence lost]
EvanCan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/09/10
Posts: 170
It IS very hard. But know that you "belong" in a most unique and gifted way.
We don't have to be "this" or "that" or any single thing.
We can simply be the best "we" that we can be.

I can relate to your struggle. And I have spent (and likely will spend) too many minutes being frustrated by it.
But I have found that I am happiest when I chunk the concept of having to be either gay or straight, and instead, think about trying to be the best "me" that I can be, in whatever blended, gifted, and giving way that I can be.
I wish you peace. I am happy to visit more if you'd like.
Shalom.

_________________________
Hope Springs 2010 WoR Alumnus
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."


Top
#382236 - 01/12/12 11:58 PM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: EvanCan]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Apparently it's a common experience for survivors to experience memories without the emotional component. I think that's another reason that music and/or movies can be useful to get those emotions out. Do you know of any music that makes the emotions emerge? Or movies? Are there some movies that remind you of your own childhood or where you were at the time?

I have found several movies which release my emotions in a meaningful way which links to where I was. One of them is The Education of Little Tree. I see myself there and it brings out my emotional systems. Another one is Father and Scout. Another one is I'm Not Afraid. But I think that different guys might find different movies meaningful.

The way that I found movies that were meaningful was to search in Amazon dot com. Because of Amazon's excellent computer search program, once you find one movie that you like there it will start suggesting similar movies. I have not found a similarly powerful search program anywhere else.

I think that the reason we have trouble remembering the emotion is that it's stored in those emotional centers of the brain and we have "walled" them off so they don't bug us.

Puffer


Top
#382239 - 01/13/12 02:47 AM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:33 PM)

Top
#382265 - 01/13/12 09:51 AM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
Life's a Dream, KMCINVA, Puffer & EvanCan:
Hope you don't mind a group response.

L A D - I'm so sorry, man, that I just skipped right over your comment about the coworker who died right in front of you. I guess I was just so caught up with talking about what we have in common. Are you OK? Witnessing a death like that can be rough - but then again - maybe you don't know how you're doing cause you don't feel anything? Anyway, take care and be good to yourself.
On another point - your comment about acting like yoou feel something struck a chord... I have done a lot of theatre and find that I can believably portray another character's emotions - even very intense ones - far easier than I can express my own. Once I had to play Anne Frank's father - the heart-break of losing a young innocent daughter to the Nazi death camps. I could not even remember feeling any grief that I could use as a resource to portray that depth of feeling. And there had been plenty of events in my previous life that should have caused that emotion. It was all imagination and imitating other people that I had observed.

EvanCan - I appreciate your words of affirmation. But it's hard for me to accept that definition or de>
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#382308 - 01/13/12 05:24 PM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: EvanCan]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: EvanCan
...you "belong" in a most unique and gifted way.
We don't have to be "this" or "that" or any single thing.
We can simply be the best "we" that we can be....


This is very well said. I have been married to a woman AND partnered with a man. I am not sure on the sexuality spectrum where I am.

Thanks for opening up about this issue.

Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

Top
#382351 - 01/14/12 02:39 AM . [Re: Avery46]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:33 PM)

Top
#382352 - 01/14/12 02:42 AM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:33 PM)

Top
#382353 - 01/14/12 02:44 AM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:33 PM)

Top
#382434 - 01/15/12 06:47 AM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
LAD - Any chance you can get prof help? Ever seen a T? or is that too scary or expensive? If you're a student, there may be resources on campus - or in large cities, sometimes phone-in crisis help lines or something? I hate to hear your pain and not see you get the help you need and want. Wish I could share my T with you. He's good - and free because of my job situation. not meaning to gloat - I know how fortunate I am!

HAng in there!
Lee

_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#382458 - 01/15/12 02:01 PM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: traveler]
NewSummer Offline


Registered: 09/01/11
Posts: 59
Loc: Surrey BC
I also witnessed a death of a neighbor a while back...I am not sure how it fits into my puzzle now..Is it a part of todays issues or tied to the past in someway?
Either way I know it was a huge event in my life and I have to deal with the effects it has had on my life.Yes, it has had a huge effect..
Keep moving forward, even when it feels as it there are a ton of bricks on your chest. Together we can all get to where we need to be...

_________________________
life is what happens while you make other plans- John Lennon

Top
#382491 - 01/15/12 08:33 PM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:32 PM)

Top
#382492 - 01/15/12 08:36 PM . [Re: NewSummer]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:31 PM)

Top
#383328 - 01/24/12 03:41 AM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: innocence lost]
ace62 Offline


Registered: 01/24/12
Posts: 2
I know what you mean. I lived a double life for 15 years when I was younger. I was, and am really messed up about sex. I am attracted to females, yet to have them makes me sick. I am not attracted to males, well most males, and I can or could, and did hang around the parks, and porn shops. Everyday and night. I tent to be attracted to Transsexuals Pre Ops. I was told by a therapist that was my way of coping. But to me. It made me a freak. I belonged no where. Still do not. I am almost 50 and have pretty much zero friends as I never fit in anywhere. I have mental illness to boot. I have Bi Polar 2, OCD, and a lot of PTSD. I was abuse from 5 to 15. So during my formative years, I was really getting confused signals. I still do.
So friend, you are not alone. And I am sorry that you are having these feelings. They have driven me to the brink of suicide more than once.

Seems that many here feel like this. The rest of the world have no idea.


Top
#383329 - 01/24/12 03:51 AM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: Life's A Dream]
ace62 Offline


Registered: 01/24/12
Posts: 2
I do not touch anyone. Not my grandparents, no one growing up. Still do not for the most part. And still guarded in most situations.

I have had two times that I really flew off the handle. 1. Was some bi*ch of a therapist many years ago after I told her I was molested in the first meeting asked me if I ever molested a child. I called her a fat bi^ch, and walked out. That was that.

And about a year ago, I was talking to a guy who contracts with the state to provide part time jobs to the disabled. (Me) And he was asked all kinds of odd questions. It came out that I was abused sexually, and he then got a sour look on his face, and said "You haven't abuse any kids have you? because we will not work with you if you have". I flew into a rage, and my witness could not believe that he was asking that line of questions. When I went off, she ended the meeting right then. I almost went after him.
I am so sick of the media, movies, what ever portray victims of abuse as people to keep an eye on...like we are a time bomb.
I was very angry. And very hurt. I wanted to shoot myself.

It never ends. Anyone know what I mean?


Top
#383339 - 01/24/12 09:32 AM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: ace62]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Hey ACE and LAD:

Glad you are here and posting about your life and struggles.

I hope you can read the post "It Does Get Better" and tap into many of the resources on these pages (see my link below) to help guide you on this journey of healing and recovery.

In particular, I've held back from discussing my story with family members-my real support comes from other survivors and people who have shown their love and concern for me. I don't think you will find a lot of survivors here who got relief/resolution/validation or healing from parents-it might make a good topic for your to post and ask for feedback/experience from others, LAD.

I hope the full time gig with benefits kicks in for you, LAD: there are guides to interviewing and finding qualified therapist on the MS website: make use of those resources and ask questions in the forums too.

(I've never heard of online EMDR, but the fact that my EMDR made me explore some terrifying memories makes me glad I had a face to face T I could trust to walk me through in real life-that was part of the healing that I could actually do this in the human world in the presence of another male and not be crushed or hurt.

ACE: I relate to the double life you shared: And I was completely shut off from my emotions for a very long time: Many of us survivors (most?) are damaged and confused around basic expressions of emotional or authentic sexuality and have difficult with intimate relationships (emotional, physical, and spiritual). I would say you DO BELONG and that you are NOT a "freak"-you might FEEL that way sometimes, but it is not true.

And I'm sorry we all run into people who are clueless, unsupportive, abusive, and prejudiced.

I guess it is everyone's worst fear that a child be abused-we are living proof that it happens and can happen. And we need to speak up.

We are living proof that abuse doesn't condemn us to go out and do the same thing. The word on this needs to get out. We are MaleSurvivors!



Edited by Mountainous Buck (01/24/12 09:50 AM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.