I'm 42 . . . . that is 37 years of baggage I carry around with me daily. I have become quite strong as a result of it.

1. Age 5: cousin at a sleepover for my older sisters sleeps on a mattress in my room. (He was the only guy cousin and the rest were girl cousins that were company for my 4 older sisters that night) He draws a stick figure on the small chalkboard in my room with a large arrow between the legs and keeps asking me what that figure was . . . . I didn't know what the right answer was . . .after several repetitions of this question, he pretends to be mad at me and is not talking to me ever again. This is rough for a little 5 year old to accept, but I fall off to sleep . . . . I awaken hours later with his LARGE, erect penis pushing against my little anus really strongly . . . he is breathing heavily and has his hand over my mouth. I am really confused, scared, and kind of embarrassed that he is trying to do that to little ole me. (He was about 14 at the time) He then tells me that he will be fair and let me 'do him' also. Of course that wasn't happening . . . .The hair (pubic) and the feeling of his penis pushing so hard against me really have never left my back left corner of my mind.

2. years later . . . he asks if I ever told anyone . . . I responded 'no'. He says that it should remain our little secret.

3. Age 13 my mom sends my nephew (4 years younger than I) and me on a train to visit my aunt in Virginia. Amtrak provided a 'steward' that would watch over us until we arrive at our destination. He is older, friendly, and polite. He sends my nephew to the dining cart to purchase some popcorn. When I get up to let him out, the 'steward' sits in my nephew's seat and when I go to sit back down in my seat, his left hand is in my seat facing palm up . . .when I sit down, I immediately jump up as I thought it was an accident . . he smiles. Later that evening, my nephew is asleep . . .he takes me by the hand and leads me to an empty car . . . .he closes the door and pulls out his penis . . .. he tells me to suck it quickly . . .I tell him 'no' but he pulls me down with his hand on the back of my neck. I remember him being uncircumsised and not very 'clean' . . it was disgusting!!!!!! . . . he ejaculates and I spit it all over his uniform. (An honest reaction to how disgusting I thought the whole thing was). He thought I did it intentionally and feverishly began cleaning himself up as best he could . . .I ran back to my seat and didn't have anymore contact with that PERV!!!!

4. When I was 16 . . The same cousin from earlier shows up at my house and no one is home. I was asleep upstairs and he calls to ask if he may come up. I answered yes and he lays on top of me again . . .this time just 'humping or grinding' his hard penis against me until he ejaculates . . .I just lay there . . I don't say anything or move at all. He leaves.

5. 18 I attend a summer engineering camp at a local university for 2 weeks. . . a group of guys there 'spot me out' and one tries to kiss me while we were all asleep in one room. I am not interested, but the guy is 'in love' . . .(?)

6. In college years later, a good female friend's boyfriend visits our campus and we are all eating pizza and playing board games one Saturday night . . I leave and go back late to my dorm room . . .hours later there is a knock . . .this guys has snuck out of her room and found my room (?) he comes in and we kiss. (?) He goes back to Atlanta and begins to write and call me non-stop. I drive to Atlanta and meet up with him. We roll around like animals in heat in his bed and his mother arrives at home! (OMG) . . . I somehow managed to rupture a testicle with this guy and we didn't even have intercourse . . . I have to go to the hospital after returning to school and I had to call my mom . . . .(She recommends counseling therapy for me after this.) By then she had found letters to me from the summer camp guy that were mailed to my home address while I was at school, so she knew about the kissing incident. I lose a really good friend over this . . . the guys tells the girlfriend everything and she rightfully (felt) betrayed.

7. As an adult, I have seen/done a range of things . . .watching pornography, frequenting gay bars/clubs, attending sex parties, strip clubs, lots of 'street pickups', online social 'hookup' sites, etc.

For me, I think that weak appearance that my cousin preyed upon is what everyone else has seen in my humbleness. I think humility is a gift from God and can often be mistaken for a weakness by individuals with hidden agendas.

I have learned to deal with me . . . I am very much 'ok' with being alone. I don't involve myself in relationships with anyone for trust purposes and also to not drag anyone through my life's roller coaster. I am professional, successful, and a very good person . . . I just satisfy myself with not 'wanting to be in a committed relationship'. I go to the movies alone, out to eat alone, spend lots of time alone, etc. . . .I don't feel slighted or odd about it. I really have become comfortable with me because I can trust myself . . . I am not so sure about others. I have a great family, church family and some really good friends . . . (THANK GOD) The cards that have been dealt me are for me . . . I really reach out to help others . . especially those that are under privileged or less fortunate . . . I know what it feels like.

I am tossing around the idea of therapy at this age, but I am really not sure what it would solve . . . this forum is wonderful. As I read the other stories . . .I can identify with many of the victims . . .yet . . I see myself as a victor since I have managed to do so well in spite of all the adverse situations that came my way. Tough people make it through tough times . . . . I don't know how inspiring my story would be to most, but just sharing it has given me hope for my future from here on out. My cousin is a part of my daily life because we will always be family. He has had his struggles and probably had been a victim of something vicious as a child himself. He is not the enemy . . . the guy on the train is a criminal though. I don't know whatever became of him. I didn't even have his name. Maybe his jail is to live with himself for having molested a poor kid while at his job. He probably had done that with someone else also.

Edited by ModTeam (01/06/12 01:03 PM)
Edit Reason: Trigger warning added.
Always looking up!