I look at this forum, but can rarely look inside. I wonder about my own hurdles jumped. I'm in such brutal pain these days, I just need to see that I have in fact made some progress over the beast. I remembered this letter to Little Robbie. I've come so far beyond self-blame of the little guy. Its one step I can say did actually stick.
It was not your fault! I divorced myself from you, disavowed you, I hated you, I was repulsed by you and I’m here to say today that I’ve been wrong. It was not your fault!
You were such a sweet kid. You did nothing wrong. When those boys pulled you into the woods, you did nothing wrong…you were trapped. You loved your woods and would not give them up…no matter what happened there. You became master of your woods…master of evasion in them…lord over the dangers. The rapes never changed that.
When you chose to carry a knife to ward-off other attacks, you were strong and resourceful. Even though it backfired badly on you, you did the best you could with what you had to deal with and with your experience in life. How could you know that this would be your undoing?
When they took control over you, you learned how to minimize the damage in any way you could. I was disgusted by those methods…but now realize I owe you a lot for being so very brave.
When Dad would go on those all-too-frequent strings of extreme rage and violence, you would endure. It nearly took you out of life, but you endured. I remember how you would stare into the mirror and plead with yourself to “hang-on for one more day.” You could have ended it any time you wished, but you took the harder road out.
I hated you for seeking affection from them. I thought you were weak and perverted. I realize now that you had no alternative. You had a father who would not even hold your hand in a parking lot…nor anywhere else. The first hug you ever got from your father was in adulthood. That’s wrong. Your pursuit of affection from those evil boys was not wrong given what you had.
When you were 12 and were raped that final time, I blamed you for being there…for being drunk…for not fighting back… for freezing…for enjoying some of it. I know you were drugged. I know you were over-powered. I know it was a hint of comfort and physical attention that you should have received by other means. I no longer blame you for that. I no longer am disgusted by your role in it.
When you had enough at 12, you wanted to die. I can’t believe you had it in you to go on for hundreds of those “just-one-more-days.” You gave me the survival skills to do what we had to for “moving-on.” You had the strength to “bury it.” That’s when I took over.
Bury-it only works for so long Robbie. It meant that I had to hate you, and lose you as a part of me. I’m here to ask for your forgiveness. PLEASE FORGIVE ME? Please forgive me for hating you and blaming you.
You were one strong and resourceful little kid. You were bright and good. I owe you everything. I ask you to become one with me again.
We have two kids now. They need an intact dad. They need everything you can bring to them.