Well, it seems it's me again with another SSA conundrum. Here's what I experienced and my ideas about it. I really would appreciate your comments
*May contain triggers*
I just had a non-abusive homoerotic dream. So many interesting things here to ponder:
In the dream, I was in a wedding party. A 16 year old girl was getting married because she was pregnant. I was gobsmacked that she was pregnant so young, and felt like I never want to experience that. Then there was a guy in the party (one of the guests) and I called another man to join us in some kind of 'circle jerk' in a bathroom. Then we had trouble finding the right place, but we finally found it.
The bathroom walls were dark blue, high ceiling, it was not very good (looking) and floor was so wet and humid, and with poor light. These details caught my attention.
I recall there was arousal, but no emotional content or romantic behavior.
Right when were about to start something
, I woke up, and I felt uneasy.
Is this ok?
My thoughts about it since I'm very introspective:
-I have always had an incredible, ridiculously high need for male bonding and recognition. As I've said before, I do not fit in the typical male stereotype. I know the versions of "I don't have to, I need to define what being a man is for me" but it's overwhelmingly difficult. I want to be treated like and equal, and most importantly, feel like an equal, like I belong. This is probably one of the things I need desperately.
Richard Gartner wrote in one of his books that some survivors seem to 'give up' on their masculinities, like they have lost a piece they can't replace. I feel like that.
I haven't been able to have a relationship with a woman because not only I am frozen
in front of them, I can't trust them (or alternatively, I don't trust myself), I don't know it's like their skin, their sight is a hard test for me, it demands that missing masculinity piece which would make me feel like I am entitled to do things. It's a repetitive feeling of isolation and hopelessness.
On the other hand, because of my lack of this type of relationships, I have been told by so many that I am homosexual. I have nothing against homosexuality, I just do not feel like I am homosexual. I do not feel a need for romantic and affectionate bonds with men, I want to feel like them. Once, I said in less elaborate words: I want to switch places with other guys and experience what they feel.
Then how can I say I am straight if I can't even picture myself with a woman because of my internal problems. Even if you ask me to fantasize about them, it's just too much work, because not even in a fantasy I have that missing piece. Also, I've had experiences with women that told me that "I am a nice guy, but they don't see me as a 'man' for them". One of my best friends (female) told me even that from a distance, she couldn't tell if I was a boy or a girl. These are triggering things
My family, on a side note, is pushing me for marriage and mate selection because it is a cultural thing here. They get so worried and they don't listen to explanations. I don't provide the kind of explanation I provide here, because they will simply not understand a word and will keep labeling me as something I am not.
I have a feeling deep inside, that I would like to be a caring father with a loving wife. It's an idea that makes me sad and happy at the same time. I just see the road so unclear now so as to get there.
The last few days I had existential feelings and some depression too. I don't even know who I can talk to.