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#379887 - 12/18/11 02:19 AM Some, but not all, about me
Jim1104 Offline

Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Ok, so hello everybody. Thought I would let you know a little bit about myself. But before I do, I want to make a disclaimer. Most of what I will say about my past is rooted deep in fuzzy memories and events from forty years ago. Until a year ago, they didnít hit my radar screen and, so, I did not deal with any of this.
About a year ago, I got involved in another forum relating to homosexuality, and thatís when the subject of Childhood Sexual Abuse even crossed my mind, but not CSA related to me. I read stories of other guys on the forums and thought how horrible their experiences must have been. One day, I was looking through some old pictures at my dadís house and ran across a picture of my old scoutmaster sitting at a table when we were at summer camp. It gave me a funny feeling to see him. Then, over the next few days, other things came to mind and finally, I decided to talk to my therapist about it. We did some EMDR around one event I recalled. The event did not include what I would have thought of as abuse, but I do clearly remember the guy saying something highly inappropriate. What came out of that session was far different than what I previously remembered. Other stuff has cropped up since then and I will do my best to be accurate, without creating any triggers.
I guess what I am saying is I donít think that there is anything actionable because I couldnít swear to anything in a court of law and there is no proof of anything.
That last part is what kills me. There is no proof of anything. That makes me wonder if I am just making everything up. I mean, itís been almost forty years since these events and I have killed a whole lot a brain cells in that time.
My therapist, Steve, is trying to get me to understand that maybe I donít have to know all the gory details. By profession, I am a CPA and most of what I do is audit other companies. Proving things is a major part of my job, so when I canít ďproveĒ what happened by either memories with clear and exacting detail or some sort of documentary evidence, it really bugs me. This is especially true because the subject deals with recollections against a man I truly loved and looked up to. He was my scoutmaster at a time when I was a pretty depressed and lonely little kid. Of course, as a 12-13 year old if you told me I was a kid, I would have protested otherwise.
Ok, so the bottom line is I donít have the details I want. Until last year, this stuff wasnít even on the radar screen. Since then, we have explored it some, but not in real detail because I decided it was interfering with my ability to work. The last two sessions, though, I have chosen to stop complaining about the things my wife does and actually discuss some things related to the whole mess. Really, I told Steve I wanted to do something about my anger. I guess thatís how we started back down this discussion.
He asked me why I wanted to know the details. I told him I deal in hard factual stuff and my mind requires details. I am sorry, now I am processing a bit, but I think he was trying to get me to see that while I keep focusing on details, all I am doing is chasing my tail around in circles Ė keeping myself stuck. He gave me the illustration of a homicide detective called to the scene of a death. When the detective first arrives at the scene, he may not know how a victim died, but he knows the effect of what happened Ė thereís a dead body in the middle of the room.
To follow Steveís line of reasoning, what has kept me stuck is that I keep searching for the details, but I have this gaping wound gushing blood and I am not doing anything to stop the bleeding. So, finally, Thursday, I accepted Steveís offer and borrowed a book called Victims No Longer. I started reading it last night. It kind of said the same thing that I think Steve was saying. So, here I am.
My side of the story
I am an Air Force brat. Dad was a fighter pilot so we moved just about every two years. I was not the athletic or handyman type in the family, so I felt less than my brother all the time. I didnít know it then, but I was ADD. Kids with ADD are experts at taking things apart, but putting them back together is a whole different story. As a result, I did not do much with my dad around the house. I tried sports, but they werenít my thing. So, I joined cub scouts. I did well and made it through Weblos during the three years we were stationed at the Pentagon and then dad was sent to the Naval War College in Newport, Rhode Island. That is the last place I lived where I remember wanted to live. Although I was ready to leave the place when transfer orders came, it wasnít until after we left Newport that I remember wanting to be dead.
For the last forty years, the one underlying goal in my life has been to die. I have attempted it several times with no success. Thank God for that.
War College is a one year tour, so when dad graduated, we were sent to a new base. This is where the trouble started. First, my grandfather (Dadís father), who had dementia, came to live with us. That put a lot of strain on my mom. At the same time, supplies were short for the planes my dad maintained and he was working extremely long hours to keep the planes in the air. His career was in jeopardy, so he had to work a lot. Mom started drinking more. My brother was either working in the fields moving irrigation pipe (saved up his money to buy a car), was playing football at high school or bumming around with friends. He definitely did not want me around. After six months, or maybe a year, Dad was promoted to vice-wing commander. He was gone even more after that.
I felt totally lost. Luckily I did continue scouts and developed some friendships that helped keep me from accomplishing the goal of killing myself. I actually tried to overdose on Tylenol, but the only thing that happened was I got really sick and nauseous. My best friend was really angry at our coach because I was obviously felling really bad, but he still made me work out and go through the whole gym class as I nothing was wrong.
I was a lost little puppy. That made it extremely easy for my scoutmaster to become a surrogate dad. He was likeable, had a good rapport with all us kids, and was young and good looking. He was everything I wanted to be when I grew up. Maybe someday I will grow up, but I donít want to be him anymore. He was so well loved and respected that when he was transferred, none of us kids would accept the new scoutmaster. We gave the poor guy hell and all the dads finally had to threaten us to give the guy a fair shake. I am glad we did because he was a good scoutmaster.
Six months after we moved to the new base, my dadís brother killed himself. A year later, my momís sister died. I am uncertain whether it was of natural causes or suicide. My grandfather died while we were there also. All-in-all, except for a few good friends I made, I would have been better off to have skipped this part of my life. I have told every therapist I ever used that things were relatively ok until around age 13. That was true. I always thought it was just hormones, but now I am thinking differently.
So, several things I remember, but I donít know what order they came in. First, I was, of course, curious about my body. One night, when in my room, I was under the covers and exploring using a flashlight. All of a sudden, my mom was kneeling at the side of my bed asking what I was doing. Duh! I really was just exploring because the enjoyable part of puberty did not come until after we moved to a different base.
I was so embarrassed. Itís amazing I didnít just die of shock then. Later, after we moved, for a time, my mom began sleeping in my room to avoid my dadís snoring. Nothing happened from a physical standpoint that I recall, but my wife tells me that I was a victim of emotional incest. I wonít go into it, but that makes sense looking back on things.
It was my scoutmaster who abused me. I have small recollections from two campouts and various other recollections from on base or while on campouts, but away from camp. I have screwed up a lot of things in my life and become many of the things that I never wanted to become. I am an alcoholic and sex addict.
I have issues with homosexuality. I believe homosexual activities are not in accordance with the bible and it is wrong for me to be with men. I donít say that to cause an argument. I just want to explain why I say I have issues with homosexuality. If anyone here wants to disagree, thatís ok because I am not here to address the issue. I am addicted to pornography. Because of my attraction to guys, the pornography of choice is gay. For a while, I also webcammed with guys, but I have no recollection of being physical with guys, except for my abuse. There are some incidents when I was in a blackout from drinking that make me wonder if I didnít do something then. Needless to say, this has caused extreme problems in my marriage, but we are still married.
What I did not realize about myself, until sometime during this Spring/Summer was the extent of my abuse from age 12-14. In addition to being raped several times by my scoutmaster, I also have recollections of being prostituted to other airmen on base and being used for child pornography.
Hereís the thing, though. Like I said, there is no hard and fast evidence and I am certain there never will be. That makes me wonder if I am making everything up. The only thing is, I really loved this guy and still do. I have no idea why I would even go to events in my mind if those events werenít real. I certainly donít know why I would do so by accusing a guy I idolized.
I am a very creative person, so I know I can create very realistic stories from thin air. I have written stories about imaginary creatures for my kids and the characters are almost real to me. There is a difference, though. I know that the stories I wrote for my kids are fantasy. I know the fantasies I have used in my addictions are fabrications.
My recollections donít have the same feeling as the fantasies. My recollections have enough force behind them to make me believe thereís something there, but I donít know what. I want to just close my eyes, tell myself that everything is a fantasy and make it go away. I can do that with other fantasies. I canít do that with these recollections. So I am left with one of two possibilities: either my recollections are real and the result of real abuse, or I am just a sick pervert.
I am not sure which would be better. Being a sick pervert is far easier, just as long as it remains in my mind, which, at this point it will. I mean, at 52, I canít go back and be twelve again. So, convincing myself that this is all fantasy is a far easier path, but I think it would be a lie. I also have no desires to do to someone else what I think may have been done to me. I just want peace.
Ok, so now I am trying to find peace about all this, but itís hard to do when I am confused about what happened. Somehow, I need to find acceptance so I can move forward.
I will just say this, but you guys donít need to think I am about to do something stupid. After writing all this stuff down, I really just wish I could go somewhere and blow my brains out. That would stop the confusion. Fortunately, I know the effects of doing that on the survivors. My uncle did it forty years ago and five years ago, my mom blew her brains out. She wonít talk about it, but I know that really devastated my daughter. I will do all in my power to redeem my family from the effects of any further suicides. So I am left with stopping the bleeding and getting on with a real life. Wow, what a thought. If I am successful, for the first time since I was twelve I will have a goal of living and not dying.
Thanks for reading. I am glad you guys are here.


#379891 - 12/18/11 02:52 AM Re: Some, but not all, about me [Re: Jim1104]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
There is proof fellow survivor,

It is with you, the proof that an atrocity was committed against you. Jim, thank you. Your sharing uncertainty, fuzzy, cloudy memories, that is the stuff recovery and victory are made of. Survivors may have no recollection, or they may have some feeling of fear or past pain, or complete awareness of the abuse. We learn to go into the memories safely, and reframe their lessons for our present, allowing relief.

What matters is that we find the desire not only to live, but to have hope. You have had so much death, trauma and pain in your life. I have good news for you, you are about to change that, and we are here to help and support you in this transition.

Welcome dear survivor, learn that having abuse with you does not have to be overwhelming,

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#379921 - 12/18/11 02:33 PM Re: Some, but not all, about me [Re: Jim1104]
Undefeated Offline

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA

Welcome to MS. I am sorry for why you needed come here, but on the other hand it's good to get support from other men and know that you are not alone.

Indeed you are not alone. I too was molested by a Scoutmaster, and because I had "father wounds" and was desperate for attention from an adult male, I let him do it for 2 years or a bit longer.

By the way, I also am a Christian and I deal with SSA (same sex attraction) too, so you are not alone there. Check out this, it has helped me with the porn problem immensely:

I am just now coming to grips with many problems in my life, and I finally see that the problems are common among survivors of CSA. I suspect you will continue to see the same and understand that it isn't your fault.

I hope you find much healing here and from other sources as well.

"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

#379933 - 12/18/11 05:06 PM Re: Some, but not all, about me [Re: Jim1104]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Jim,

My therapist told me that what we can recall, is what our subconscious mind decides we can safely remember at the time. That's why things will sometimes come up out of order. Getting brief flashbacks for B, D, C, A rather than A, B, C, D. Your subconsciousness is actually protecting you.

Sometimes, it could take months or even years, if at all, before you will "be cleared" by your brain to remember. For example, I have flashes of something that I believe happened to me when I was abused, but can't figure out if it's true or not. When I asked my doctor about this was when she gave me this explanation and it actually makes sense to me.

As you undoubtedly know now, perps actually go for the vulnerable people and you were a perfect candidate being depressed and lonely. As well you looked up to him, so he was in a position of authority over you which makes it harder for you to accept.

As you undoubtedly now know, it is quite normal to go for therapy for one problem, in your case, anger, only to discover that the root cause is CSA. You have made an excellent and, to me, you are doing all the right things. You know you are having a problem, have told others, even if just on this site and are getting help for the problem. You are way stronger than you give youself cred for.

I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#379967 - 12/18/11 09:34 PM Re: Some, but not all, about me [Re: Sailor John]
ThreshingFloor Offline

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 1
Loc: SoCal
Jim and the rest,

I too share almost the same story or feelings as Jim. I have been treated for PTSD (Combat related) and started EMDR. The abuse just came out from no where. I feel like they are fuzzy memories also and don't have all the details. I now know that things that happened later in my life no make sense. I have been carrying around this huge "secret" with me for years. I was abused by a deacon at my church. He bought me things and made me feel loved...then after a period of time it happened. I felt for years that because I got an erection and orgasm that I wanted or deserved it...I know know now that I did not want it or deserve it. I have been struggling with this "dual" personality of attraction. I am so happily married with kids and absolutely love my family and also a strong Christian. However there was a porn addiction mostly gay. After looking at it and "enjoying" it I felt huge remorse and sick to my stomach. I have been struggling on that for some time now and working daily not to go back to porn. I am still in my mid-30's so I have a lot to unravel and learn about myself. This is hard, but so great to see that there are other men out there with the same issues as me. I welcome any feedback and conversations to get through this. I have looked for support groups in my area and the only thing that is remotely close to a group is Celebrate Recovery. I live in SoCal. Thanks for listening and for sharing your stories. I am ready to heal.

#379978 - 12/18/11 11:20 PM Re: Some, but not all, about me [Re: ThreshingFloor]
Jim1104 Offline

Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Thanks guys.



#380310 - 12/21/11 07:41 PM Re: Some, but not all, about me [Re: Jim1104]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hi, Jim.

Thanks for sharing your story. I am inspired by your story. I am honored to have you share of yourself.

It seems your looking for proof in order to have validity of your being. YOU are valid. What you "see" even if its only a glimpse is proof. The proof is in the pudding they say. We can see the pudding and taste its goodness but not the ingredients or details.


aka DJsport

#380319 - 12/21/11 09:03 PM Re: Some, but not all, about me [Re: Avery46]
Jim1961 Offline

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1201
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Hi Jim. Welcome to MS. Thanks for sharing brother.

Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

#380325 - 12/21/11 09:54 PM Re: Some, but not all, about me [Re: Jim1961]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Hey Jim and Threshing Floor,

Welcome to MS-it is my strong hope you never feel alone or unique with what you have shared-Ive been in recovery for alcoholism and sex addiction for 2-3 decades and the Csa was the missing puzzle piece for me that explained a lot.

And explanations are not a substitute for healthy recovery. I found out HOW I got In the ditch (Csa) 2 1/2 years ago. I found out how to get out of the drunken binge ditched 25 yeas ago and reclaimed healthy sexuality almost ten years ago. It is possible to heal and become healthy in many areas without the full puzzle. Ring solved.

At times my Csa has greater to overwhelm me with despair and grief and even anger and tempted me to act out and lash out in hurtful ways- this IS tough stuff. Know that you can walk thru this and get to a better place and have people around, like the guys here at MS, who support you and want you to thrive and enjoy life.


We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ÔŅĹIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#380329 - 12/21/11 10:06 PM Re: Some, but not all, about me [Re: Mountainous Buck]
TheTwoOfUs Offline

Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
Hi Jim,

It's not easy to share like this. But I'm glad you found MS. Lot of information and help around here.


Adapt. Overcome. Survive.


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