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#382061 - 01/11/12 08:51 AM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
TheTwoOfUs Offline

Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
Some days are okay... some are awful... I try to hold onto the 'good' days and keep them close at hand for when the bad days hit. Yesterday was good... today.. not so good.

The anger spikes get more frequent and stronger in intensity. The lows are deep lately when they happen. Very frustrated. It comes and goes, like being on a seesaw with an invisible board, I never know when it's going to swing up or down..

So damned frustrated.. and so damned angry. Yesterday, I felt okay, this morning I woke up screaming and beating my fists on the wall.


Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

#382371 - 01/14/12 06:14 PM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
TheTwoOfUs Offline

Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA

This is going to be a long, long, long, LONG post. I apologize now if it seems as though I'm rambling, or if things don't quite seem to fit neatly into the timeline. This is literally just going to be me writing out the random thoughts and stuff in my head. It hurts, it REALLY hurts, but I need to just say it, get it OUT there SOMEWHERE.

No one is OBLGIATED to reply, if the subject matter upsets you, PLEASE feel free to STOP reading at any point, I don't want to be the cause of triggering someone and hurting them. I just really need to get this shit OUT.

This post is going to be LOADED WITH TRIGGERS, Gents, read at your own risk, be CAREFUL!! For that reason, I am also including a lot of trigger space.


I've been doin a LOT of analyzing, a LOT of thinking the last couple of days, trying to sort my head and feelings out. And with a TON of help from someone on here... who I can't thank enough... things may finally have reached a point that ACTUAL healing can begin, rather than stumbling along and getting one step forward, ten steps back like there's been this year.

Yesterday was very, very rough. The day before was hard. Word was sent that they found a match to one of the DNA samples they were able to pull from the kit. In a way the bugger got dealt with appropriately, in another way, though, I feel kind of cheated and so does Marie, in that he had too easy of a time of it. He turned up to be one of the recent dead on arrivals in one of the local hospitals due to a drug overdose.

I have a few different assorted thoughts on this, these are just jumbled reactions more than anything else, that I've tried to put into some sort of comprehensible form to express :

1.) I'm glad the bastard is dead.
2.) He had too easy a time of how he went out.
3.) He can't hurt anyone EVER again.
4.) He's no longer running around free and clear.
5.) Karma's a bitch, but she's a FAIR bitch. Usually. Or at least she tries.
6.) Part of me still REALLY wants to get my hands on these sons of bitches and tear them apart limb from limb, SLOWLY, see how long we can drag it out before they finally die.
7.) Another part of me just wants to stand in a couortroom and stare the assholes down.
8.) At least one of the bastards has paid for it, in some sense, in some way.

On the flip side of all of this, the news did trigger both myself and my sister and it triggered us badly. We got through it, once again, with each other to lean on, we have gotten very good over this time of switching roles. In a way this is somewhat amusing, even though it should never have been needed. Marie had a long crying fit, eventually fell asleep on my living room couch upstairs. I had my meltdown the next morning.

What I haven't really been talking about a lot in MS is some stuff going on in the background with my ex-wife. Everyone is well aware that I am divorced, that it was not a divorce I wanted, and I believe I may have made mention to a couple of folks in chat that I was going to put a bid in for regaining full and PRIMARY custody of my children.

This is because my ex-wife has been going crazy, climbing the walls for the last two years. Well, it has slowly been escalating and has finally come to a head. What may not have been mentioned before is that I have had my suspicions for kind of a while that 'something' went down in her past with one of her brothers.

This is backed by a number of signs over the entirety of our marriage, and some signs that were evident (though at the time I sadly did not recognize them) when we were younger, far prior to marriage. For convenience sake, and for the sake of making all of this as understandable as possible (and I cannot make ANY guarentees!!), I'm going to list it all in the same way as I listed the stuff having to do with the one perp up above.

Here's the numerical list (in no particular order) :

1.) She has never, NEVER allowed the children anywhere near this particular brother unsupervised by one of us. Under any circumstances.
2.) She herself has never made any attempt to contact this brother, and anytime he has attempted to contact her, she has deferred it to me. Flat refusal to deal with him directly.
3.) She has never allowed herself to be anywhere near him unless forced to by circumstances, i.e., family gatherings, weddings, funerals, holidays, stuff like this.
4.) She has actively blocked all attempts by him to contact the children directly. And if she for some reason was unable to do so, she has been VERY vehement that I do so.
5.) Anytime that there was a situation where we (she!) wwas forced to deal with him, such as family events, by the time we get home she has fallen silent, sulky, and would spend the next three days barely eating, barely drinking, barely sleeping, and keeping herself busy with "something" literally around the clock.
6.) Anytime I was on deployment, she would ot allow any contact between him and herself under ANY circumstances. She would refuse to attend family events if he was going to be there, if they took place while I was deployed. To the extreme of often getting a P.O. box in a nearby town that we did not live in, and telling the ENTIRE family that she had moved.
7.) Any attempts by me to ask her for reasons why on some of this behavior were met with silence, a "I don't want to talk about it" or a "I just don't trust him" or "it just needs to be this way, please trust me."
8.) She would avoid this brother as much as possible while growing up. To the point of telling her parents she was sleeping at a girlfriend's house and then either going to the girlfriend's house or spending the night in the woods behind her house...
9.) Anytime she was left alone with him, the next time I might see her, she was very quiet, completely withdrawn.
10.) The very first night she spent in my house was spent with her up all night pacing the bedroom floor. Now mind you I did not touch her that night; we had been to dinner and out to a movie, and then made a stop at a local bar and come back. She was tired and a little tipsy. I had given her my room and was sleeping on my couch in the living room until I realized I was still hearing her moving around in there.
11.) She did a LOT of drawing when we were younger. Most of it was very violenttly themed, or else lots of pictures of alone, lonely, forgotten, forsaken places.
12.) One picture that she drew while only in the fourth grade, when a class project involved the kids drawing pictures ofo their family as the kids saw it - did not include this brother, except as a gravestone in the far, far background that appeared neglected, ie, it was cracked and broken and overgrown by weeds etc. I saw this gradeschool picture only after marriage, when her parents began to go through their garage and clean it out (and needed our help to do so as they were no longer in good health.)
13.) There was a LOT of fighting between this one brother, and her other two brothers. And I don't mean of the typical 'boys and brothers disagree' type of scrap. There was bloodthirst and true anger and rage involved from the other two directed at this one.
14.) This one brother was in a bad car accident about eight years ago. He was hospitalized. Neither her, he other two brothers, nor her sister eve so much as called or asked about him.
15.) There was some strained relationships between the other siblings and their parents whenever the subject of this one brother would come up. All four of them had a lot of unexplained anger and bitterness about this brother and eventually they all agreed to simply not discuss the issue with their mom and dad, and if either mom or dad brought the subject of him up, none of the siblings would even discuss it.
16.) Her sister (younger than her by 3 yeas), would not even speak to this one brother if he was in the room during family events in adulthood. She pretended he didn't exist.

These are things that had taken place over the entire course of the marriage and the time beforehand, while we were simply still going steady or dating. All of this long precedes my assault. Now, I had my suspicions obviously, in adulthood, during he marriage, but she would not talk about him. I once asked a couple of the others and they all simply told me that they had no desire to talk about him, that he was a family black sheep to them (the siblings) and that the siblings did not agree with mom and dad about him.

These are all suspicions, I had an inkling, obviously, I tried to look into it, nobody would talk, nobody wold say anything, eventually my wife simply begged me to let it drop and just "trust her judgement". Which, I finally did if only to preserve the peace and stop creating nights full of tension.

I wish. I WISH, that I had been able to put two and two together YEARS ago, as in, BEFORE the marriage, or at least BEFORE my assault happened... because I would have stepped up a LOT more than simply helping her stay away from him when she asked for it.

Rewind to two years ago, in the hospital... about 24 hours post-assault. My loving, warm, caring, kind-hearted wife of nineteen years was standing there literally in tears as she got her first look at me with me awake. She was talking about rehab, and getting me on my feet, and how were we going to explain the injuries to the kids, etc. She wanted to know who did it, she wanted charges pressed, she wanted cops involved, and she wanted arrests made YESTERDAY, not today, and MOVE on it, or ELSE, goddammit!

She was horrified and burst into fresh tears when an attempt by her to hug me resulted in my not being able to stand it for more than ten seconds before I was basically clawing my way across the bed and howling at the entire room to not touch me. One of my brothers was there at the time, since our kids were with his wife so she could come in and see me, and he simply told her that I didn't know what the hell I was doing yet.

At the time I remember thinking he was full of shit, later on I reognized that he had been very, very correct. She was again upset by the fact that when I finally stopped yelling and howling, that I just kept telling her I was sorry, as if I had done something wrong. At the time, I really felt as if I HAD, as if I had betrayed her somehow. Cheated on her, damaged the marriage bonds beyond repair. Betrayed my children. I was still in absolute acute raw phase. She had not yet heard the phrase sexual assault tied to it, only assault. She left the room in tears. My brother stayed. I couldn't talk, I just turned away. I foound out later that he already knew at that point, because Marie had told him something of what took place, though not any huge details.

For the fist three days she was there EVERY day. My oldest, at the time he was 15, was there two of those days as well. Then my brother came back on the fourth day. He finally sat down across from the bed and just stated, "Marie told me what happened. She needs to know, Matt." At that time, you couldn't tell me it wasn't my fault, I was still solidly convinced that it was. He got me to agree to let him tell her what he knew.

He told her. And she walked back in the room, slapped me across the face, threw her wedding ring across the room and walked out, leaving me sitting there in shocked disbelief, and causing my brother to run after her with a combination of confusion and anger himself. Needless to say, I could hear them screaming at each other down the hall.

She never came back to the hospital room. I never saw her again the entire rest of the hospital stay, nor did I see her in rehab. She wouldn't answer my calls, nor return them. She left voicemails in the dead of night when she knew I would be asleep that simply told me to stop calling her. I had times where I was almost in tears in the voicemails I left her. I wanted to see her, or at least talk to her.

Marie absorbed all of this in angry silence, my brother was furious at her. She wouldn't let the children come in. My oldest two would sneak in with my brother on days where they were going to his house after school. Finally, the girl told me that "Mom's been talking to a lawyer."

Marie finally had a conversation with her. It turned into a screaming match between them, and it came out in the midst of it, when Marie just exploded, that there had been forced incest involved.

I saw her one more time. The next day. For about five minutes. She simply asked me if I "liked my sister" and then said that she "hoped it was worth it." She walked out again, and the next time I would have any contact with her was sitting, bewildered and still reeling in front of a divorce lawyer in a courtroom trying like hell to prevent a divorce. Even though I all of a sudden didn't know this woman, couldn't find my girl anymore in her face, I didnt want to lose her, didn't want to lose the marriage without at least trying to figure out how to save it. I managed to win visitation rights. But not custody. To be honest, I barely remember the entire divorce process, my head was spinning, felt like my entire world was reeling on it's ear and inside out, upside down and ass backwards.

NONE of this was like her! She went from totally supportive and terrified of what my health was going to do, to... THIS. It just wasnt like her! I didn't KNOW this woman! I couldn't find my girl anywhere in her anymore all of a sudden. Some alien had come and snatched my girl and replaced her with something so altogether foreign that I flat out couldn't absorb it, couldn't comprehend it.

I remember spending many nights holding onto the wedding ring she had so carelessly discarded in the room, just trying to figure it all out until my brain was ready to burst. The ONE person I had expected total support from, other than my sister.. had literally dumped me like a hot potato and erected solid titanium 12 inch thick reinforced walls to keep me out.

I finally just put it on the "WTF?!" shelf, and concentrated on hanging onto my kids. I had visitation rights, and I held onto them. I made sure to see my kids, to pick them up, take them places, spend time with them. I made sure they still had everything they needed for school, for clothes, if she was tight on cash (and they would let me know), I would find ways to get money over there so she didn't know it was coming from me. Attempts to pay her a little extra on the child support failed, she sent the excess back with scathing notes about how she didn't want "charity from a monster."

She zero'd in on the sexual assault and the incest aspects of the thing. Would not look beyond it, flew off the handle, suddenly morphed into something, someone that I had never met before, did not recognize, did not know, and could not understand. She limited her words with me to the absolute neccessity of arranging pickup and return times for the children.

Her behavior continued to escalate, continued to get more unpredictable over the remaining time between then and now. It got to where all of my kids were telling me that they didn't know mom anymore, that they didn't know when to talk and when to hide in their rooms. She started blowing up over the smallest of things, she started having random outbursts, yelling, or storming off and slamming a door behind her, or stalking out of the house and leaving my eldest with caring for the oter four. The youngest ones were terrified. And hurt. And confused. I started getting phone calls from school teachers, telling me that my youngest (the "baby" is six years old at this point) was falling asleep in school and having sudden outbursts of crying, hard crying fits at the slightest reprimand or correction from the staff. The older two would show up at my door with overnight bags and beg to spend the night, even though it wasn't a visitation night or weekend.

They started having arguments with mom, heated arguments, screaming and yelling matches. At one point she told my oldest that he was going to "turn into a monster just like his father." He didn't even pack an overnight bag that night, he just walked out of the house and showed up here. He started sneaking things into his locker at school, telling me that as soon as he turned eighteen, he was getting out and moving in here. And that he wished he could bring the others with him.

I got a lawyer. I filed papers to get custody, sole custody of my children. I was livid, I was angry, I was hurt, I was astonished, and yet again, bewildered and reeling. I was assured that I would most likely have no problem getting custody since there was so much going on that could prove for an unstable/unhealthy environment for my kids in her house. I expected her to fight it, and she started to. She got herself a lawyer.

Fast forward to... a couple days ago. Right on the heels of the notice we got from the police department. All of a sudden I had my eldest standing on my doorstep in absolute tears. He was crying so hard he couldn't even speak. And he had one HELL of a bruise on the left side of his face. Marie answered the door, shouted for me, I took one look at him and hauled him inside and upstairs to my apt, and told Marie to keep an ear out in case the other kids trailed out here afterwards as well. (They by and large seem to have always taken their cues from the older two.)

It took me 20 minutes to get him calmed doown enough to talk. Turned out that the boiler in the house had shit the bed, she was waiting on the repair company to show up today to fix it, and he had the girls (his sisters) bundled up on the couch with him under some heavy blankets to try and warm them up because they were freezing.

According to him, she came out of the kitchen, saw them there, and went nuts. She went screaming into the room, dragged him off the couch by the arm and screeched and hollered at him to get away from his sisters, and to get out of her house. She hit him with the handle of the rolling pin. He ran, came over here.

Bear in mind, I have already filed for custody. Also bear in mind, that all of the kids were fully clothed, just bundling together for warmth because, as more proof of her not thinking clearly, she didn't have the thought to take them somewhere with working heat.

I sent him downstairs with my sister, got in the car, and went over there. The second oldest I saw walking on my way there. Stopped and put her into the car, told her to make sure she stayed in the car when I got to the house. This woman, two years ago, would have been HORRIFIED at the thought of anyone striking ANY of our children in this manner, and now this happens. I know she is not thinking clearly, she is not reasoning or functional. I have my suuspicions, by now confirmed with a phone call to her sister in which I practically BEGGED the woman to tell me WHAT the HELL went on witth the one brother, because my wife is going CRAZY, literally flying off the deep end. (That phone call took place last weeek.)

I get to the house. The oldest girl is left in the car and told to stay there. I walk in and the others are pretty much hiding. And she is.. nowhere in sight, but I can hear her screeching down in the basement, kicking things over, throwing things. TOTAL meltdown. And while I KNOW this isn't her, while I KNOW somthing is not right in her head right now and have DAMN good idea of WHAT... at the moment, my kids HAVE to come first.

This is NO good for them, this is NOT safe for them. I packed the lot of them up, got them into the car, and marched downstairs, told her that the kids were coming home with me and STAYING there. And that if she didn't like it, she was free to try and call the cops, but that one look at our son's face would rather quickly alleviate anything they might do about taking the kids from me and returning them to her. And then I told her that I didn't want to see her sitting in a jail cell, but that if she EVER struck ANY of my kids again, I would personally dump her in one myself.

She glared at me, but she didn't say a thing. I left, got the kids home. Two hours later... a letter showed up. Just hand-dropped through the mail slot in the door. I wasn't around to find it, I was handlin my children, at this point outright grilling them (not roughly, not like they were in trouble, but asking some very pointed questions of ALL of them, getting them to talk to me. REALLY talk to me.) Thankfully this is the only time any of them has been struck, and so help me, it will be the LAST.

Finally got them settled down somewhat; with exception of my oldest, they're all puppy-piled on the couch, though the heat is working just fine here. It's group comfort, it's a coping mechanism, andd it burns me up so bad under the collar it's all I can do to not start raging. I got my oldest into the kitchen under the brright lighting to check his cheek over and make sure it was just a bruise. It is, and he goes downstairs to my sister's, finds the letter sitting on the floor, and calls me down there.

The letter is hand-delivered, because it's in a regular white envelpe, but with NO stamp, no written deliver-to address on it, no return address. I am NOT stupid, I know who it's from. But I opened it anyway. I thought about sending my eldest upstairs whiel I read it, but after this, and his age being what it is (he will be 18 in March), he had a right to read as well. It's not very long.

"Tell H*** that I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that, it wasn't his fault. You can have the kids. I won't fight the custody bid. I'm sorry, Matt. I need space. I love all of you. Tell the kids I'm sorry and that I'm sick right now."

*sighs* I'm honestly still reeling, here. There are SO many different things going on in all of this, SO many different angles and causes and triggers and things that are wrong. I want my kids safe, I want my wife safe, the kids will want their mom safe. Hell, I STILL have the wedding ring she threw across that hospital room. I hung it on my dogtags. I haven't let go of it yet. I strung mine onto the same chain, I wear both of them. I want to get her into therapy, I want to get US into a group therapy, somehow, of some kind. The kids at this point may possibly need it for a while as well. *sighs again*

I'm woried about her. I'm worried about my kids.. I want to curl up in a ball somewhere and beat my fists on something and scream and cry. Now's not the time. It's really not the time for that, so I'm doign what I always have done in crisis points : I'm locking up, locking down, pulling back, battening down the hatches and making my priorities and handling those.

She showed up in the early afternoon with some of the kids' clothes and things, called Marie ahead of time, told her she was dropping it off and that she didn't want me or the kids to be the ones to get it from her. Marie warned me it was coming, but told her she'd respect her wishes, and I.. had a hard time doing so, but I did stay out of sight while it was dropped off.

She dropped the things off, and told Marie that my eldest and I could come to the house and pick up whatever else the kids want to keep with them, and that she just wants to see the kids once in a while, but that she wasn't fit to have them full time right now.

We went over later to get the rest of the things, once the car was loaded, I sent my two oldest (they both wanted to come, they had lists from their siblins), and I sat my wife down in the house and had a long, long talk with her. Or tried to. She didn't say much, she just stared at the floor through most of it. She's shutting down, hard.

I couldn't bring myself to touch her, mostly because if I got within arms' reach, she backed away. So I didn't try again. Told her I loved her, told her she needed help, told her I didn't want anything to happen to her, told her the kids didn't want anything to happen to her. Told her I wanted her somewhere that she would be safe. She didn't say but two words the entire time.

I told her I would be back in the morning. I know Marie spoke with her when she dropped of the kids things. I don't know what was said there, havent had a chance to ask yet. But she didn't argue, she didn't yell, she didn't even give me a dirty look. She just nodded 'yes' to everything I had to say and stared at the floor. Completely shutting down.

Marie and I went over there in the morning and picked her up. She didn't even blink, just went with us. When I got there she was sitting exactly where I'd left her the night before. We got her into the car, brought her to inpatient psych. She didn't contest it, she gave them her verbal consent and told them to talk to me for the paperwork. Her tone was just dead right then when we dropped her off. I filled out the initial paperwork, showed back up this morning to fill out the rest.

I saw her briefly this morning. She only said two things to me. "Tell H-- that I'm sorry." and "I'm sorry, Matt." Other than that, she barely even recognized that I was there, just sitting in the corner rocking.

Hardest fucking thing I've had to do in a long time was to keep walking out the door. I HATE seeing her like this, but it's where she needs to be at the moment. I KNOW she's having a meltdown, and I KNOW it's well beyond anything I can do for her, and like I said above.. the kids have to come first.

They're getting settled in here, she's where she has to be to get some help, and once that's done, then we can start pursuing some serious counselling here. And hopefully get her to start talking some of the shit out.

Priorities :

1.) My children. Need to be somewhere stable and safe. (done. The court thing will be just a formality at this opint.)
2.) Inpatient psych for her so she doesn't do something stupid or to hurt herself or someone else. (done.)
3.) Myself. I'm still reeling, my head is spinning, I need to get it simmered down, but I'm keeping myself outwardly calm and collected for the kids right now. They NEED that at this point.

A few parting things...

1.) I KNOW the brother did something. When I spoke with her sister last week aand just about begged her to tell me something about this, all the sister said to me was "Yeah, there's some things when we were kids."
2.) I KNOW that basically EVERYTHING since the term SA/rape and incest was thrown around, that pretty much ALL of this is not me, not her. It's her being MASSIVELY triggered and building up to the breaking point.
3.) At the moment, I think the final breaking point was H-- getting hit. She finally I think, had an 'OMG, no!' moment and just shut down.

I'm angry. I'm livid. I'm upset, I'm saddened, I'm hurt. I want to scoop up the kids AND my wife and just hold onto them. I'm frustrated, and this scares the crap out of me. And I'm REELNG right now. I know with all I've got, that this was the right thing to do, she will get the help she needs there, and some actual healing can finally start to happen. And at the mooment, if I had access to the son of a bitchin' brother, or could get my hands on him, he would become a very long time prisoner in my basement aand I would literally cut him to ribbons, take him apart, one fucking piece at a time, draw it out as long as possible until he finally dies just because it's humanly impossible for the body to keep going. *snarls*

Right now, this is one VERY pissed off poppa wolf!!

Later this afternoon, I will be calling the other two brothers, and the sister, and informing them that she's getting care, and that they MIGHT fucking want to start talking about this shit before it blows up all over again amongst all of them. I already warned her sister's husband that there might be something like this coming down the pipeline and to be watchful for it.

Okay, so I'm not really, REALLY going to 'tell them what to do', it's up to them. But I am goddamned well going to make it a fucking strong suggestion! A PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE deal with this, your sister's in psych care because of this, my kids are reeling off their fucking feet because of this, we've lost two goddamned YEARS because of this, get it OUT there and start FUCKING dealing with it!!

I don't know how long I've spent typing this... I'm drained... but god DAMN IT, it needed to be said... I needed to say it SOMEWHERE... and I think... I HOPE... that this is a safe place to just get this shit OUT. So if I seem like I've been distant or non-visible lately.... this is WHY, THIS is what's been going on in the background for me...

Edited by TheTwoOfUs (01/14/12 06:22 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling errors

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

#382430 - 01/15/12 09:49 AM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
CodieRae Offline

Registered: 12/05/11
Posts: 7
Loc: Rochester, NY, USA
love you big are one of the few people in my life that means alot to me...wish i could be there to help you in your time of need right now...i hope H* L* and Marie(and you) are all doing as well as can be expected on this tough road that all of you are having to travel togeather
Lots of Love+Hugs+Gratitude(for you being there for me) - Codie

Codie Rae | 27yo~ | Male | CSA Survivor | PTSD, Chronic Pain, Disabled
Rochester, NY
Was In wheelchair 6yrs b/c Abuse - Able to walk now

#383454 - 01/25/12 11:31 PM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: CodieRae]
TheTwoOfUs Offline

Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
Okay. I just wanted to post up a bit of an update.

Inpatient psych is working with my wife, at least. She's at least starting to respond to the treatments. I'm also on a med for nausea at this point, and an anti-psychotic to try to keep me from waking up with the nightmares when I try to sleep.

I'm home - I spent a little bit of time in the hospital myself. Accident at work, combined with some nutritional issues and problems. Kids have settled in, things seem to be settling down at least a little bit finally. Starting to gain back something of a routine. So far, I would say this is all good progress, small steps though they might be. Progress is progress and I'm grateful for it.

One day at a time, one step at a time.

Edited by TheTwoOfUs (01/25/12 11:32 PM)

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

#383491 - 01/26/12 06:24 AM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
CodieRae Offline

Registered: 12/05/11
Posts: 7
Loc: Rochester, NY, USA
<3 u bro! glad your home I missed ya

Codie Rae | 27yo~ | Male | CSA Survivor | PTSD, Chronic Pain, Disabled
Rochester, NY
Was In wheelchair 6yrs b/c Abuse - Able to walk now

#384471 - 02/05/12 10:15 PM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: CodieRae]
TheTwoOfUs Offline

Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
So sis had a bit of a backslide. She went through a few days of not speaking at all to anyone or anything. She had a doctor's appointment as well, needed to go with her for that.

I managed not to run out the door of the waiting room. I had to stay right BY the door. But I managed not to run this time. Granted there weren't very many people in there; maybe only three or four folks, but still.

I think it's a step forward.

Sis is alright now - coming out of it - getting more back to her usual self. But I just had to post this... it's a good update and I'm greatful for it.


Edited by TheTwoOfUs (02/05/12 10:16 PM)
Edit Reason: typos

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

#385873 - 02/15/12 02:35 PM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
Dewey Offline

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 140
Loc: the sunshine state
Holy Jesus you are a strong man! I'll bet you never thought you would be able to deal with stuff like this. I'm reminded of a scenario in a book that I'm reading about healing from trauma. It's called "Waking The Tiger" So far it's talking about how all animals experience trauma, but we as humans (and animals that are in relationship to humans) are the only ones that seem to suffer long term results from trauma. Most literally tremble and shake after a near death experience and then are able to function again. We take meds for our trembles and our bodies don't get to process what they need to. This is my loose interpretation of what I have read so far in this book. Certainly not meant as medical advice for anyone. But what reminds me of your situation is a story that happened in 1976 with a group of kids who were abducted from their school bus in Chowchilla California. They were led into an underground trailer in an abandoned quarry and held there for some thirty hours. One of them had leaned against a makeshift support column and the roof began collapsing. One kid, Bob Barklay who was 14 at the time, took immediate action enlisting the help of another and the two of them began digging and made a tunnel thus rescuing everyone else. Initial beliefs by psychiatrists were that possibly one child out of the 26 might experience some symptoms of trauma. Two hospital physicians also stated that kids were "all right". Eight months later, another psychiatrist, Lenor Terr began a follow up and found that nearly all the children were experiencing severe symptoms including nightmares, violent tendencies and impaired ability to function in normal personal and social relations. The effects were so debilitating that the lives and family structures were all but destroyed in the following years. The one child less severely affected was Bob. The book makes a point of stating that mobilizing our bodies to combat the stressful situation helps to reduce the effects of the trauma. I find it interesting and worth further study. It seems that you are doing just that with what you are doing in your own life and in the life of your youngsters. Again your strength is amazing. You are a champion!
Keep digging Matt, Dewey

I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning-

#389408 - 03/16/12 12:05 AM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: Dewey]
TheTwoOfUs Offline

Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA

Thanks for the input. I don't see myself as strong, though. I just see myself as too stubborn to give up without a fight. I've been fighting most of my life, I can keep fighting for a while longer.

That said....

Guys, I know I've been gone for a while. I'm sorry for the sudden silence and disappearance. I had some medical issues that needed to be taken care of, I was hospitalized for a while due to pneumonia.

I also have surgery coming up soon to do a final repair on one of my legs so I can actually continue to walk. We noticed that the one leg was starting to weaken despite that I've been walking for this long and had worked my way down to nothing more than a cane. I was only using crutches if I was tired or fatigued.

Well, problem is with the leg, it needs additional repair. They have to put a plate and whatnot into it or it's going to continue to degrade. Right now I'm restricted to the chair - which I despise - but once surgery has happened, I'll be able to restart my PT and get back onto my own two feet again.

Needless to say, I'm not working right now, and I won't be working for a while. Can't very well lay brick and mortar or frame things out from a wheelchair. Once the surgery happens, I might be MIA again for a while. Probably a couple of weeks at least.

Judge officially awarded primary custody a little while ago as well, so that's taken care of. Kids have settled in and are on a good routine and seem to be feeling like they're back to their lives, so that's also a good thing. It's busy and hectic, but it's good.

Anyway. I just felt I owed something of an explanation for my sudden disappearance. Things are going forward one step at a time here, so that's what I'm holding onto and running with.

Edited by TheTwoOfUs (03/16/12 12:06 AM)
Edit Reason: typos

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

#389780 - 03/19/12 01:52 PM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
TheTwoOfUs Offline

Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
In governing people and serving Heaven
There is nothing like conservation
Only with conservation is it called submitting early
Submitting early is called emphasis on accumulating virtues
Accumulating virtues means there is nothing one cannot overcome
When there is nothing that one cannot overcome
One's limits are unknown
The limitations being unknown, one can possess sovereignty
With this mother principle of power, one can be everlasting
This is called deep roots and firm foundation
The Tao of longevity and lasting vision

-- Tao Te Ching, Chapter 59 --

This particular quote is speaking VERY loudly right now to me. It's strange sometimes, how much strength we can draw from simple words on a page. The flashbacks have been heavy and fierce the last few days, so I opened the book up again this morning.

Nothing more to say for now.


Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

#390525 - 03/24/12 04:51 PM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
CruxFidelis Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
So sorry you had to go through all this. Pneumonia is really stressful and I can't even imagine the custody stuff. I struggle with being able to be involved with stuff like this. Feeling ostracized, even in places that seem inclusive makes it harder to come back, but I am trying to be more engaged with the world even just for my child they make all this bs worthwhile

If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.

- Saint John of the Cross

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