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#378917 - 12/10/11 08:07 PM hello this is difficult
sevenkevineleven Offline

Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 12
Loc: florida
Hello everyone...just a brief quik introduction from myself...
i was sexually abused when i was 9 and 10 years old from a older boy that was my brothers friend...
i have let it control me and define who i am and i am tired of it i am tired of fighting it...
i really dont know what else to say right now...
this is alot harder than i thought it would be....

#378918 - 12/10/11 08:21 PM Re: hello this is difficult [Re: sevenkevineleven]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2954
Welcome, 7kevin11 -

This is a wonderful brotherhood and we're all here to help each other, even if it's only saying nothing and just being here. For me, that's sometimes enough.

I am sorry for the past that brought you here, and wish you comfort and healing in the days ahead.


#378922 - 12/10/11 08:41 PM Re: hello this is difficult [Re: Chase Eric]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3852
Take your time, I know how difficult it is to talk about. When buried for so long it is hard to hear yourself say the words of what happened. We are here for you, we are all trying to heal and move forward. You have taken the first steps, keep going at your own pace, you will know when you are ready.

#378924 - 12/10/11 09:01 PM Re: hello this is difficult [Re: KMCINVA]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
Welcome! I hope you find healing on this board.

Wife of a survivor

#378932 - 12/10/11 11:06 PM Re: hello this is difficult [Re: sevenkevineleven]
BDD Offline

Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 417
Loc: PA, USA
Welcome, I want to second what everyone else has said.
It was hard, but you did it!

Owning It

#379053 - 12/12/11 02:10 AM Re: hello this is difficult [Re: sevenkevineleven]
jevin Offline

Registered: 11/30/10
Posts: 47
Loc: somewhere on the Red Road
Welcome. You're in the right place.

Just showing up is a big part of regaining control of your life. None of us can do this alone. There's lots of help, friendship and support here. Keep coming back, and be patient with yourself. It does get better.



"Whatever is rejected from the self appears in the world as an event."
- Carl Jung

#379067 - 12/12/11 03:12 AM Re: hello this is difficult [Re: jevin]
sevenkevineleven Offline

Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 12
Loc: florida
Thank you for the reception..
I'm staring at the ceiling in bed and just can't close my eyes but I don't want to keep them open either..its a horrible feeling...this is the third time I've tried to deal with this the first time I was in my mid 20s it was when the hockey player Sheldon Kennedy told of his coach, anyway when I told the woman who was my wife at the time what happened to me she said "don't make your problem mine..."so after that I just tried to ignore and bury the dread...
Then again about 7-8 years ago I was acting out and the ex wife yelled at me "why don't you just admitt what your problem is and why you can't act right..."referring to the abuse...i tried to work it out but I was fighting it and telling myself I was ok and there was nothing wrong with me so again I buried the shame..
Now then comes this year...and the Penn state story goddamn did that hit me like a freight this time I'm not going to fight it im not going to bury it im not going to run from it...
I've also come to the realization that no one can save me but myself...and sometimes especially the past month I don't know if I've the strength to save me...

#379098 - 12/12/11 06:32 AM Re: hello this is difficult [Re: sevenkevineleven]
NewSummer Offline

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 59
Loc: Surrey BC
I have days when it seems impossible to lift the brick off my chest..but it does move and gets easier again..
Hang in there and know you are not alone. The days get easier and the sun does shine... I am thankful for my social network and the support I find here..
Tomorrow I am going to contact a new T who specializes in CSA and I am hoping I will be able to finally shed the guilt and shame that has dictated my life...and through it I will be here..Yes, I have to save myself but I am not alone...

life is what happens while you make other plans- John Lennon

#379130 - 12/12/11 03:25 PM Re: hello this is difficult [Re: sevenkevineleven]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi sevenkevineleven,

I also kept my abuse a secret from everyone for a very long time (42 yrs.) You are off to a good start by wanting to face it this time and have told others here about it.

Your feelings will be various such as fear, shame, embarasment, etc. and are very common among survivors of CSA.

If you haven't already, you should get a therapist well versed in treating male CSA survivors. It will be a hard road with lots of detours, but remember a detour eventually brings you back to the main road, even if it's not as fast as the direct route.

Good luck as you continue to heal.

I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#379159 - 12/12/11 10:36 PM Re: hello this is difficult [Re: Sailor John]
sevenkevineleven Offline

Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 12
Loc: florida
I started seeing a t last month and it was hard I came so close to backing down because I chose a male and on the phone he has a deep strong voice and it scared the living shit out of me...
I have finally been able to admit that I'm scared to death of men...but I kept the appointment and so far am very glad I did...and he was the one who told me about this site!

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