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#379095 - 12/12/11 05:31 AM Need a break
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Guys

I've been pretty active in my posting and interaction on the site since I joined in May this year, and I have come a long way.

Last night, my wife of almost 20 years told me that she sees no improvement and that She wants a divorce.

This is the fourth time in 2 years she has asked for this, and I am tired, tired of fighting the demons and her, fighting to save my marriage, my family, my business and my self.
I go to bed tired and I wake up tired, I am on the verge of tears most of the time...everything I do is wrong according to her.

My best break at this point would be the eternal sleep, but I would miss my daughter to much, I'm just getting to the point where I can trust myself enough to be with her, have fun with her, be her dad for a change in her 12 years.

I cant wait for my next appointment with my new T its on Thursday, long wait.

Heal well brothers
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#379096 - 12/12/11 05:57 AM Re: Need a break [Re: whome]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Martin,
You have been a supporter to many men here. You care and devotion to healing is obvious. You are healing. To know you are, and that is enough. Your precious wife had her own perception and may see the overly optimistic and adrenaline fed coping consuming junkie start to slow down. You are healing taking on triggers and memories, this a process that presents many different personalities to your wife. She may be confused in this transition Martin.
May I suggest? Go to her with your calming breathing, with your deep patience and ask her what is wrong. Listen to her, repeat what she days and agree with the struggle. Reassure get that you and she will be at odds, but you will never throw in the towel. You and she will be different, together you and she will be stronger than you and her apart.
She may not want advice, she may just want to be angry. Do not take it personally, for 25 minutes it needs to be about her and her needs.

I offer this from personal success,
Sam
PS. Do I even need to comment on the "long sleep"? You proved a long time ago you are a survivor not a victim. Be there for your two children your daughter and your hurt, healing boy. He gave you a gift of surviving, honor that.

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#379101 - 12/12/11 06:47 AM Re: Need a break [Re: SamV]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/08/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
Even though I have only been on MS for a few days you have been very helpful and encouraging! Its because of men like you on MS I'm finding the strength at the age of 26 to fight my demons. everyone had told me that recovery is different for us all and that it takes longer for some, maybe your wife is just feeling helpless and neglected when it comes to your recovery. don't lose hope yet. just remember. we might be broken and beaten... but we are not yet defeated! Wish you well dear sir!

_________________________
Sail

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#379111 - 12/12/11 12:42 PM Re: Need a break [Re: AdamJae]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Martin, we all get worn down at times. Our spouses do too, They are going through this with us. They like us have their up and down moments also.
My wife has also not only has threatened to leave, but did once.
This roller coaster ride of emotions is only normal and the only thing that I have found to help in my situation was to listen to her and "I do mean listen" to what she is going through in her fight to regain the life she once had with you.
I have foung that by helping her it has helped me along with my journey of healing, as this isnt all just about ME.

I think that (IMHO) we sometimes get so lost in our recovery that we tend to lose track of what our family members are going through too. We need to talk about it and so do they.
This is a balancing act that has to be done in order for both of you to heal and regain what you both had at one time before all the hurt of this happened.
Their life like ours has been turned up side down and spouses have a hard time understanding our thoughts of the past that now have taken over our minds now in the present.
I am sure that I am not saying anything that you dont already know and I do feel your pain. We have already lost so much and I for one, damn sure did not want to lose the one that I love so much because of my past CSA. I wont let them win again. Never again.
I love how you do the 40 days on here, it shows that you do, truly love your wife and family. Enough said. YOU DO, what ever, it takes to keep them together. even if she leaves you as my wife did, dont give up. Keep fighting for your family.

I dont know if you are religous or not, but I will be praying for you and your family that all will work out and you both will be stronger in your new life together. Have faith Martin.
God Bless

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#379119 - 12/12/11 01:45 PM Re: Need a break [Re: Dar]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2836
Martin - have you invited your wife to the forum? Please introduce her to us and let her share as well. We all know the pain of CSA doesn't stop with us. She very likely needs support every bit as much as you do. She should be sharing with other friends and family members if she is not already.

Your value and connection to this community is almost inextricable.

_________________________
..



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#379161 - 12/12/11 10:53 PM Re: Need a break [Re: whome]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Martin,

Your a precious soul. I can relate to what your staying. I know the constant talk of divorce is tiring. It is a very personal decision to be in a marriage.

You have given me some wonderful words of support. I support your healing.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#379168 - 12/12/11 11:52 PM Re: Need a break [Re: Avery46]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3856
Loc: South-East Europe
Keep it up Martin, don't let yourself falling down. You are very strong person and I just can't believe that you didn't give maximum into your marriage. Unfortunately there are no warranties for happy end. Crises like this are happening almost to everyone and without connections to your abuse/past.
So please don't lose your spirit and don't take all burden by yourself. I'm sure that you will be very good father no matter what would happen in future. Be supportive to your daughter and talk to her (she is 12 if I'm correct). Your daughter is capable in understanding everything, she has still some time to full develop emotionally. Your role is to give her love and support. That is all what she needs to be able to walk confidentially into future life. And your wife should look into her self if she is unhappy (and obviously she is). You simply cannot be source of her fulfillment, no matter what you did or didn't.It is bad excuse made by her to express dissatisfaction concluding that there is no progress and ask for divorce. Progress in marriage is always mutual thing otherwise if someone is always asking other side for responsibility I find that very toxic for relationship and something which has roots outside. I wonder what could be source of this in your case? Additionally your bad feelings are indicative that you are empty and almost near zero energy, please don't be pulled into it, don't play that game, stay positive simple cause you are positive person, you are fighter for life and you already survived many bad situations, keep this in mind and your instincts will bring you to right path in this fight!!!

_________________________
My story

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#379192 - 12/13/11 03:43 AM Re: Need a break [Re: peroperic2009]
Incognito Offline


Registered: 04/18/11
Posts: 105
Martin,

I wish you and your family well during this time. I wish there was something else I could say but keep your head up and hope everything works out for you and your family.

_________________________
"If you're willing to carry the weight, feel the strain, push past the pain, and give more of yourself than others expect of you, the world is yours." - Dave Tate

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