Newest Members
twinker, LaneFiasco95, Kristabar, tom93, ninjei
13513 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
almostdonew/life (42), barelysurviving (48), bigbob20 (72), billyp (68), Larry Mullen (70), Shawv (73), TheTwoOfUs (46)
Who's Online
5 registered (manipulated, usmc97, house, Older1, 1 invisible), 67 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,513 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,191 Topics
490,083 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#378273 - 12/05/11 07:15 PM ??? possible trigger
Asmodeus Offline

Registered: 10/25/05
Posts: 112
Loc: Vestavia, Alabama, USA
I know it serves no purpose trying to figure out what was going through a perpetrators head, but once I've decided that I want to know something I'm not satisfied until I do. What I've been wondering about is why he went from experimenting to abusive. Something that occurred to me recently is that he might have figured things out quicker than I did, and when he realized he wasn't gay he turned homophobic because he told himself that I had taken advantage of him. Does anyone think this could be how it went?

I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not fake.

#378393 - 12/06/11 10:06 AM Re: ??? possible trigger [Re: Asmodeus]
Fidex Offline

Registered: 11/09/11
Posts: 37
I don't know, I think they're as complex as we are. I think they learn things a certain way and teach us the same lesson. This isn't an excuse, I know I'm supposed to call them monsters but for all I know they're just screwed up. I think they'll justify it any way that makes sense to them.

one of my abusers was abused too, for certain. I think in her fucked up mind she was doing good by me sometimes. Othertimes I think she was just horny and I was a convenient prop. I've been a prop for other people, that's what sex was, I've been horny, and had convenient lovers. I don't think I was born with the sole purpose to be used by her and others but I understand how people see eachother that way. And I think I understand sadists, even though I don't want to admit it. And homophobes and hateful people in general, because I hold a little bit of that in me still, the things I learned.

But there must be something off about them to hurt us. Because in my conscious life I can only theorize and never act on anything.

sorry if this is a bit rude.

Edited by Fidex (12/06/11 10:07 AM)

#378395 - 12/06/11 10:56 AM Re: ??? possible trigger [Re: Fidex]
JaapVisser Offline

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 57
Loc: The Netherlands
I think the fact that he turned homophobic is that he told himself that you had taken advantage instead of him being the aggressor is that he knows damn well that he was wrong all the way by leaving the experimental stage from both sides and force you with violence into things that you didn't want. I think his reaction is to try to convince himself that he wasn't wrong.

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.

#378400 - 12/06/11 12:51 PM Re: ??? possible trigger [Re: Fidex]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2743
Originally Posted By: Fidex
...I think they're as complex as we are. I think they learn things a certain way and teach us the same lesson. ... I know I'm supposed to call them monsters but for all I know they're just screwed up.

I remember championing this perspective and got blasted by another poster as suspect for essentially not carrying the "rage" banner. In my case, the knee-jerk emotional reaction of adults when they discovered my perp's activities with the little girls in the neighborhood made things ultimately much worse for me. And yes - it was not about "power play" with me, it was all about sex. If my molester had gotten clinical address instead of reprimand, I might have been saved from years of secret shame. But many people selectively see only what they want to see. A lot of us have paid for that sin in a big way...

Until we look at these instigators with less passion and more understanding, less as criminals that need to be punished and more as a psychological and social aberrants that need to be treated or managed in an informed and targeted intellectual construct, this mess will continue.

For all the popular rage, stories break every day attesting to the size of the iceberg hidden below the surface. Penn State, Syracuse, now Hollywood - while the whole time, the Catholic Church issue has blossomed to disconcerting dimension. Anger is a natural response but doesn't fix the problem. As a solution, it is an indulgence we can ill-afford; we need to think the issue through and realize that we just can't scream it away.


#378403 - 12/06/11 01:01 PM Re: ??? possible trigger [Re: Chase Eric]
BDD Offline

Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 353
Loc: PA, USA
Well said

Owning It

#378429 - 12/06/11 04:21 PM Re: ??? possible trigger [Re: BDD]
George Offline

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 347
Loc: NY metro **PM's are welcomed
Without knowing the details of th Op's abuse (age diff or authory of abuser), I tend to think that most abusers were abused, most oftenly sexually & their need for "control" & dominence clouds their rational thinking. I know how the compulsion to act out with other guys worked on me, I think that child abusers have that same compulsion but to a higher level & with access to kids is a dangerous combination. Getting sexual gratification I think is an aside for them or a bonus.

On some level they all know that abuse of a child is wrong, but plenty of 40yo abusers will try to blame their child victims for what they did. Their minds have to be twisted to do that to a child, how else do they live with themselves but to diminish it, blame the victim, etc???

Him turning "homophobic" probibly has nothing to do with him *excusing himself*. Even if he identified himself as gay now or later, it would still be your fault in his mind, most likely.

My Updated (2017) Story, it focuses on the abuse, the aftermath & poor coping mechanisms & breakthrough...Healing ;

#378433 - 12/06/11 04:44 PM Re: ??? possible trigger [Re: George]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I wonder if they (sociologists) have put together any "longitudinal" studies of how sexual abuse might be passed down from one generation of perp to the next and on to the next, etc.

I can think of perhaps 2 such links from my own experience.

I was abused by a guy across the street when I was 10. He was 17. Many years later when I was trying to look up information about him I discovered he had gone to the big catholic high school in Denver. Then when I read Marty Moran's book he talked about his abuser having come from that high school. I discovered that there was a catholic cleric named White who was a serial abuser there. I wondered if there was a link between one of the boys he molested and passed finally down to me.

The Tricky Part: A boy's story of sexual trespass, a man's journey to forgiveness, by Martin Moran


#378459 - 12/06/11 08:41 PM Re: ??? possible trigger [Re: pufferfish]
Asmodeus Offline

Registered: 10/25/05
Posts: 112
Loc: Vestavia, Alabama, USA
He's the same age I am, only 2 months older. It was easy for him to do it frequently because his mom and my dad were married and I was spending every other weekend with him at the time.

I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not fake.

#378463 - 12/06/11 09:07 PM Re: ??? possible trigger [Re: Asmodeus]
limit Offline

Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131

Edited by limit (12/17/11 10:38 PM)

#378473 - 12/06/11 10:38 PM Re: ??? possible trigger [Re: limit]
wayne9 Offline

Registered: 05/15/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
I remember hearing words like "fag" or "queer" as I was growing up and not knowing what they meant. I ask other kids, when they explained them to me. It hit me what was going on between me and "him". When I ask him about those words he turned them on me. That is what he said I was. Not him....I was a little fag. I wouldn't like doing what we did if I wasn't. I look back now and wonder did he in the back of mind hate himself....Did he think of his self as being gay but not except it.....Just might thoughts.

Page 1 of 2 1 2 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.