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#378177 - 12/05/11 12:56 AM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
Staying Sane Offline

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 28
Loc: Iowa

Neat article I read today. Talks a lot about spouses and how they have coped in some circumstances.

It's hard to say that childhood trauma is an excuse for the worst acting out when it isn't met with a desire to change and do better in the future.

My Story

#378249 - 12/05/11 03:19 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Staying Sane]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Originally Posted By: Staying Sane
It's hard to say that childhood trauma is an excuse for the worst acting out when it isn't met with a desire to change and do better in the future.

Absolutely. I think that applies to us supporters, as well. As angry as I am about past actions, I have to acknowledge and appreciate any and all efforts toward healing (whether with a T/support group or not) that Hubs takes. None of us do anything perfectly, but I know that when I dwell on the anger, pain and betrayal, I end up sitting in it. A little gratitude goes a long way. It doesn't fix things, it doesn't mean both Hubs and I can act all willy-nilly and just be mean to each other. It does mean that I have a part to play in the relationship and might be selling myself short if I choose to not look at it.

Each person's breaking point, each person's deal breakers are all her own. What you might be willing to accept and work through is probably a lot different from what another spouse is willing to handle, and that's ok, provided that you aren't in danger. Boundaries are a beast to reset, and there's almost always friction when one of us makes changes and (quite reasonably) expects accountability where there used to be none.

That's been my experience, any way. HTH some.

#378386 - 12/06/11 07:33 AM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Airmid]
Pie Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61

I haven't posted in a long time, and that's because we have been doing really great. He has not acted out in about 2 months. Although I say this I still feel so alone and empty and have been continplating if this is now my breaking point??

We are all entightled to a life of happiness and love. Everyone deserves appreciation and respect, these are the things that I have found are lacking in survivor relationships, especially prior to disclosure. Once we are in a healing program I have found that its very slow and we can only deal with issues as they apear. Here is a strange analagy but anyhow, its like receiving your dinner, one mouthfull at a time, even if you don't want peas you have no idea what is coming next so you eat it and deal with the bad taste, you are also always in hope that the next item on your plate is something decadent, sweet and comforting, usually its not! Rather a mouthfull of black pudding!

As supporters we don't know what's coming, yet we wait for something great. WHY! Because we believe that our loved ones are more than what they believe they are. I have learnt that my lifes purpose is not to right all the wrongs in his life or to turn myself and my children into secondry victims of his abuse. Our end may come, I have no garantees of the future.

So for today I am going to find myself the largest apple pie I can cover it in cream and eat it all as a symbol of hope that the lonliness will ease.

May you all be filled with an amazing strength and peace.

#378401 - 12/06/11 12:51 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Pie]
Dar Offline

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
I hope all of you supporters can enjoy a piece of apple pie today.
thanks for keeping our minds open and helping us to keep our directions straight.
God Bless

All I ever wanted was a hug.

#378649 - 12/08/11 07:02 AM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Dar]
Disappointed Offline

Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 542
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Esposa,

I respectfully disagree with the following statement by Pie:

"We are all entitled to a life of happiness and love."

You state in your posting you and your husband have children. You stated he is mean with the children, but didn't explain how that manifests with the children.

The critical role of a family is the protection of children. The adults had choices and they made them. The children are, as we all know here, 100% vulnerable and dependent upon their parents. There are men here who have commented, and I think of Avery46 I believe, who commented that he missed his father when his father was gone, and his mother would criticize his father.

I myself, loved my Dad very much and we were very close. I cannot imagine what kind of life I would have had without my Dad, or if my parents had divorced and my Mom had picked up a pattern of saying negative things about him.

Further, sometimes stepparents become abusers, and the biological parent claims later, they never knew. I've always found this hard to believe, but they say it. Okay, let's say it's true. It just re-emphasizes how utterly vulnerable the children are.

As long as he is meeting his obligations as a father, I believe the children deserve his presence.

The ACTUAL question is: Whose happiness and love is more important? The children's happiness, or one parent's?

Being raised by one's own mother and father is priceless. I would think having well-adjusted children would be priceless as well.



#378663 - 12/08/11 12:39 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Disappointed]
George Offline

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 373
Loc: NY metro **PM's are welcomed
Disappointed, I couldn't agree more.

Esposa, Yes csa is most likely the root of his actions.

I was a cold, mean prick before I started dealing with all this csa baggage, I had more issues than most women would want to put up with. I don't know what my wife saw in me that she held on for so long? We both are glad that she did. We both can't imagine where we be today without each other. Not knowing all the background, I hope your husband is attempting to deal with his csa issues and not still in denial.

My Updated (2017) Story, it focuses on the abuse, the aftermath & poor coping mechanisms & breakthrough...Healing ;

#378832 - 12/09/11 06:54 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: George]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
George: I see it more and more. The neglect and abuse of course impacts how he makes decisions, how he responds to stress, how he interprets his world and the actions of those in it. Our therapist believes he has a type of attachment disorder.

And disappointed: I agree with you completely. That's probably the main reason I took him back after I found out about the affair - we have beautiful babies to raise. I would sacrifice ALOT for them. But I also think they need to see love, trust and respect every day of their lives. Which is why I chose to work on my marriage, stay invested and give love regardless.

#378902 - 12/10/11 02:40 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
Disappointed Offline

Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 542
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Esposa,

It's admirable you're willing to make sacrifices for your children. But to say they need to see love, trust and respect every day of their lives, seems to mean nothing but perfection will do. Perfection isn't an option for anyone.

And frankly, my Dad had affairs, but as a child, I only accidently found out about 1. But my Mom stayed. They had 4 kids to raise. And they did.



#378923 - 12/10/11 08:59 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Disappointed]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
Love, trust and respect are not the standard of perfection. They are a baseline at best. Children learn how they are supposed to treat others, and how they are to be treated by what they see at home. I would never want my girls to grow up thinking that it is OK to see me behaving poorly toward anyone else, especially a life partner. There are a host of behaviors that I would find unacceptable for my children to see in their own home, and most importantly to repeat with their future loved ones. I think it is smart to take that into account when deciding should I stay or go. Even men who hit their wives, but never their children are teaching their kids a lesson about how to treat people. It's a very individual choice, and my husband is not abusive by any stretch so I can't say for sure what I would and wouldn't do, but I do know that it is very important to me that my children grow up seeing love, respect, and trust modeled in the home where they receive most of their influence.

Wife of a survivor

#378983 - 12/11/11 09:09 AM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: GoodHope]
Anniemy4sons Offline

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
Children model what they see not what you say.

Trust me on this, we are battling this today. My husband is trying to undo the damage he has caused by modeling untrustworthy, disrespectful, and deceitful behavior. HE can't understand why they won't LISTEN to him.
I told him, he has to tell them, then show them. Otherwise, he is just some hypocrite.

He is a changed person. They need time to re-adjust to this new Dad. He is no longer the anger prick he used to be. Yelling, set off by the slightest wrong doing, overreacting to situations that did not require it. Inconsistent discipline. etc.
We only have 1 son still living at home. The other boys (men) 26, 21 and 19 are on their own OR in college. He mentioned something about parenting them differently, I told him "IT'S TOO LATE" THEY ARE GONE. He is mourning the loss and concentrating his efforts on our 16 yo and 4 yo but I see some habits are hard to break. He's trying. He's trying.

In the past my husband behaved more as a peer than a father. He kept their secrets from me. (Bad behavior regarding; drinking, pot, poor grades, trouble in school and with the law, teen sex). hmm, almost like a teenager himself.

He taught my children its okay and when he finally "heard" me, stopped contradicting me behind my back. Changed his tune. They looked at him like he had 2 heads.

Do not think for a minute you are fooling your children. They see everything! They may not say anything but the message is clear.

He is not the only one fighting for their respect again. He robbed me of respect of my children. Since he was the one who taught them this behavior, he has to unteach it. I have to SHOW them, these are my boundaries and YOU can't cross them either.

Parents, think before you act, you can't un-ring a bell. And that cow runs fast as hell once it gets out of the barn.

God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day.


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