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#37798 - 06/06/03 09:14 PM My Ramblings on Confrontation
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Been a lot of posts on confrontation (and disclosure) lately, and I've been thinking & working on it a lot myself. So here are some of my ramblings for what they may be worth...

Having different perps who abused me in different ways & times convinces me that for me there is no standard "three easy steps" way to confront perps.

The perps' sex, sexual orientation, relationship to me including the length of it, number of times they abused me, whether I know where they are or not, all seem to make a big difference to me.

As does how I'm doing in my recovery, what kind of support I have or feel I have, how life is going, who I am or feel like aka what mood I'm in, the weather, etc etc...

My perp #1 aka my so-called mother I've actually confronted in different ways a few times thru the years. Subtle yet enuf she could & shoulda got the point. She has to have her arm twisted to even admit she might have done a few things in raising me that "tho well-intended might not have been for the best tho it was the best she could do then."

This is the one who's gonna admit she sexually & emotionally incested me thruout my childhood? If she didn't totally deny it she would say it wasn't
all that bad & she meant well & yadda yadda and that would be even worse!

How do I know? It's what she's done when confronted about physically abusing me, neglecting me, and even the littlest things. I know becuz I know my mother.

More recently I've written an unsent letter,
"faced her" in 2 chair therapy, and sent a brief note just telling her there were things she did in my childhood that really hurt me and I can't & don't want to hear from her anymore.

That may be as far as it ever goes--or not. But I'll deal with it, in my own time & my own way, as is best for my own recovery.

They took enuf of my life. My recovery is about me. If any of them get any help from it that keeps them from abusing anyone else, good.

As far as my other perps, if they are alive, if I could find them, if I even wanted to...

Since I've recently had new memory recoveries concerning the abuse by my father, my interest in finding him is somewhat renewed but I'm not sure.

Maybe it would just be better to wait till they all die then stomp & piss on their graves or a symbolic facsimile thereof.

However I have to admit that while from what little I know about most of them getting any money
to help with my medical expenses is unlikely, just
making sure they know I know, maybe even filing criminal charges if the "Statute of Limitations on survivors rights" doesn't prevent it, could be somewhat healing & even satisfying--if it would be worth it...

At least I would like to be able to make sure that
these people are not sexually abusing any more children.

Certainly there are no illusions or even desires of renewing any relationships of any kind with any of my perps, including my biological mother & father. Any reconciliation or forgiveness will be for my own sake in my own time & way. I owe them nothing and they've taken more than enuf from me already. What they owe me they could never pay if they wanted to and I don't want it anyway.

What I need will not & cannot come from them, but from myself, my real family & friends, and my Higher Power God.

Only I as a recovering adult man can give my hurt inner child the parenting, love & childhood he never had, and I am honored to share it with him.
He deserves it. We deserve it.

My greatest healing, justice, revenge, whatever, will come from living the best life I can as my true whole self,including breaking the abuse cycle in my own family which I have, in spite of what they did to me.

Don't need them. Don't want them. Don't hate them.
Don't even care enuf to do that...

"I Don't Care Anymore" (Phil Collins)


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#37799 - 06/06/03 09:32 PM Re: My Ramblings on Confrontation
MrDon Offline

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
For me, I've sent letters to my sperm donor and mother before she died. Of course I don't know if they ever read them or not, but have a feeling they did. At my mom's funeral is the last time i have seen the child molester/rapist (otherwise known as my sperm donor). He didn't speak to me nor did I want to speak to him.

My older so called brother or other child molester isn't anyone I want to see or talk to at all. I haven't ever confronted him and not sure if I really care if I do at this point.

The person that abused me in a church when I was a kid, I don't know who they are and so they are pretty lucky.

The babysitter that locked me up in the closet every day after my parents dropped me off, she is of course unknown to me as well.

My younger brother and I have talked before but since my mom's funeral, he hasn't wanted anything to do with me. He was trying to take sides and ultimately told me that family didn't want me there at the funeral because they were afraid of what I would do. If it wasn't for Jeff calling to find out details on things, I wouldn't have known what was taking place or where it was taking place.

So in many ways, I'm just trying to leave all that shit in the past and move forward. I don't know if I will ever get to work through confrontation or not, and frankly right now, I don't care if I do. I've written letters, done my share of screaming and turned their butts into the law enforcement agencies for investigation.

One time a lawyer wanted me to take them to court but I was like, no way, I don't want to drag all of this stuff out. Just too much energy for something like this.

I think letters are a very good thing even if you don't mail them. If you get a in person confrontation, than that is probably very healing or could be.

But for me, it just isn't worth it anymore. They've taken so much of my life, and I really don't want to give them any more. I do applaud those that can confront their perps and get healing from it. I just doubt that will happen in my situation.


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