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#377989 - 12/03/11 11:18 PM How do we protect?
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
I will begin by saying that I am perhaps oversaturated. Spent the day reading survivor stories and my head and heart are spinning.

In comes my beautiful 11 year old son.

"Hey Mom, can I sleep over Tommy's house?"

Dude, today's not a good day for Mommy....

So... here we go. How do I protect him - and when it is too much? Can it ever be enough? Can protecting him compensate for the lack of protection my husband had??

So, I sit him down and I say I worry. I worry that he is okay. That I feel better when he is here. And he says, mom, you've been reading those books again and scaring yourself.


But he's hip to me. He's smart and he pays attention. So I can't hide. I have to be honest. And why am I having this conversation with him without his father??

Baby, something happened to Daddy when he was little. And you are my son and I want to make sure you are safe.

Mom, I'm okay. Tommy's brother doesn't even talk to us.

Baby, I want to tell you the things that are not appropriate. I want you to understand the scenarios and be able to recognize them. (I AM LOST AT THIS POINT!!! MY HEAD IS SPINNING!!!!!!)

Mom, I love you. I know you want me to be safe. I will take the cell phone and I know you are there for me.


#377994 - 12/03/11 11:33 PM Re: How do we protect? [Re: Esposa]
Obi Offline

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1634
Loc: kansas

i found the best protection is


you educate him on the rights and wrongs. what is appropriate and what is not appropriate and that if anything that is not appropriate happens to tell you and his father.

also, be sure to listen to him too. it's very important that he knows you listen to him...

keep talking and sharing with each other... if you feel a situation is not safe then err to the side of caution until you can gain all the info you can to make sure it's safe.

things like spending the night with a friend. if you are not sure about the friend, then talk to the friend's parents. get to know them a little bit to make a more informed decision about his safety if you allow him to stay over... educate yourself...

you will find that keeping an open and honest dialog with your son and educating yourself and him will help protect him the most...

hope this helps ease your fears a little bit...

live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

#377996 - 12/04/11 12:21 AM Re: How do we protect? [Re: Obi]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Thanks Obi...I guess I didn't drop the ball wink

#378000 - 12/04/11 01:55 AM Re: How do we protect? [Re: Esposa]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Almost all parents want to protect their children. Your kid seems to be old enough that he can be told in general terms what happened to his Dad and how to prevent this from happening to him. Tell him things to watch for such as if anybody asks to see his genitals, shows porn, etc - and if he is unsure or nervous to leave and leave RIGHT NOW and tell his parents.

He is now at an age where he will start to ask questions about sex. He is also close to, if not starting into puberty and should be tole "the facts of life" and "safe sex" by a trusted person, ideally his parents. It may be a bit of embarassment, but will definately pay dividends down the road.

I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#378003 - 12/04/11 02:21 AM Re: How do we protect? [Re: Sailor John]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
It's not enough for me to talk to the parents. My husbands abuser, his step brother, is a worship leader at church, charming, funny , you name it. Pedophilia blend in so no amount of meeting them will put my mind at ease. I'm most suspicious of people with regular access to my kids, enough to establish a relationship and trust. I'm
Also more comfortable if there are multiple kids. To that end, I may allow my kids to got to slumber parties but not one on one sleepovers (I'm not there yet, my oldest is 8). I've been talking to my kids before I even knew about my husband but I've ratcheted it up a bit. I talk about picture or videos w naked people, lookin at others privates and letting others see theirs. I don't want to freak them out by how freaked out I am but I trust NO ONE!

Wife of a survivor

#378005 - 12/04/11 02:30 AM Re: How do we protect? [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Thank you John wink

I have always been careful with my children but I feel a little paranoid right now - but then again, as i have learned on MS, it only takes ONE TIME.

Thanks for the advice and input.

#378023 - 12/04/11 04:11 AM Re: How do we protect? [Re: Esposa]
Keeptrying Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
A couple of useful resources (I've tried a dozen of children protection agencies, but found these few are less gender biased):

Some books such as "Your Body Belongs to You," "The Right Touch," "I said No.". My sons are much younger, and you may find other books that are appropriate for the ages of your children.


#378159 - 12/04/11 11:13 PM Re: How do we protect? [Re: Keeptrying]
stripeysocks Offline

Registered: 11/28/11
Posts: 43
Loc: US
Doe he have a cell phone? I know he's young, but you can program them to limit access so he could call you and a few other numbers if needed.

I am only mentioning this to get it off my chest/share, not because I think you are like this at all. It just helps me heal to talk about it. The dark side of protection: My mom terrified us as kids. Of course my case is different because she was very physically and mentally abusive. We weren't allowed to go anywhere, go to sleep overs, have birthday parties, or friends. Kids at school hated me for it!

I think there's a happy medium and if you trust your instincts on where he's allowed to go that will go a long way. If you know his friends and they know who you are and you present as strong and confident I think that will help too.

Edited by stripeysocks (12/04/11 11:13 PM)
Edit Reason: clarification

#378163 - 12/04/11 11:26 PM Re: How do we protect? [Re: stripeysocks]
George E. Offline

Registered: 11/13/11
Posts: 48
Loc: Kent, Washington
from stripeysocks: "My mom terrified us as kids. Of course my case is different because she was very physically and mentally abusive. We weren't allowed to go anywhere, go to sleep overs, have birthday parties, or friends"
My mother was a like. She was more like a warden than a mother. She supervised anything that could be supervised. I still got abused for over 11 years.
What she didn't do was give us any kind of sex education, or make us aware of the possibilities.

#378179 - 12/05/11 01:06 AM Re: How do we protect? [Re: George E.]
Staying Sane Offline

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 28
Loc: Iowa
What would be wrong with having Tommy over to your house more often?

Getting to know people who have access to your kids is a little dangerous. People are good at gaining trust when their intentions are less than honorable.

Echoing what people have already said, educate your children that no matter what anyone may tell them, they can always, always, always, come and talk to you at any time they don't feel comfortable with something. And make sure they actually feel like you want them to talk to you.

If most of the time when they want to talk about things you say you're busy and don't spend time with them, how can you expect them to come to you with something more serious.

My Story


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