Been a lot of posts on confrontation (and disclosure) lately, and I've been thinking & working on it a lot myself. So here are some of my ramblings for what they may be worth...
Having different perps who abused me in different ways & times convinces me that for me there is no standard "three easy steps" way to confront perps.
The perps' sex, sexual orientation, relationship to me including the length of it, number of times they abused me, whether I know where they are or not, all seem to make a big difference to me.
As does how I'm doing in my recovery, what kind of support I have or feel I have, how life is going, who I am or feel like aka what mood I'm in, the weather, etc etc...
My perp #1 aka my so-called mother I've actually confronted in different ways a few times thru the years. Subtle yet enuf she could & shoulda got the point. She has to have her arm twisted to even admit she might have done a few things in raising me that "tho well-intended might not have been for the best tho it was the best she could do then."
This is the one who's gonna admit she sexually & emotionally incested me thruout my childhood? If she didn't totally deny it she would say it wasn't
all that bad & she meant well & yadda yadda and that would be even worse!
How do I know? It's what she's done when confronted about physically abusing me, neglecting me, and even the littlest things. I know becuz I know my mother.
More recently I've written an unsent letter,
"faced her" in 2 chair therapy, and sent a brief note just telling her there were things she did in my childhood that really hurt me and I can't & don't want to hear from her anymore.
That may be as far as it ever goes--or not. But I'll deal with it, in my own time & my own way, as is best for my own recovery.
They took enuf of my life. My recovery is about me. If any of them get any help from it that keeps them from abusing anyone else, good.
As far as my other perps, if they are alive, if I could find them, if I even wanted to...
Since I've recently had new memory recoveries concerning the abuse by my father, my interest in finding him is somewhat renewed but I'm not sure.
Maybe it would just be better to wait till they all die then stomp & piss on their graves or a symbolic facsimile thereof.
However I have to admit that while from what little I know about most of them getting any money
to help with my medical expenses is unlikely, just
making sure they know I know, maybe even filing criminal charges if the "Statute of Limitations on survivors rights" doesn't prevent it, could be somewhat healing & even satisfying--if it would be worth it...
At least I would like to be able to make sure that
these people are not sexually abusing any more children.
Certainly there are no illusions or even desires of renewing any relationships of any kind with any of my perps, including my biological mother & father. Any reconciliation or forgiveness will be for my own sake in my own time & way. I owe them nothing and they've taken more than enuf from me already. What they owe me they could never pay if they wanted to and I don't want it anyway.
What I need will not & cannot come from them, but from myself, my real family & friends, and my Higher Power God.
Only I as a recovering adult man can give my hurt inner child the parenting, love & childhood he never had, and I am honored to share it with him.
He deserves it. We deserve it.
My greatest healing, justice, revenge, whatever, will come from living the best life I can as my true whole self,including breaking the abuse cycle in my own family which I have, in spite of what they did to me.
Don't need them. Don't want them. Don't hate them.
Don't even care enuf to do that...
"I Don't Care Anymore" (Phil Collins)