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#377899 - 12/03/11 02:56 PM Silence **Triggers
StAiNeD Offline

Registered: 06/27/11
Posts: 17
Loc: The Bronx
I don't know what's wrong with me lately. It seems like I'm rapidly losing the ability to speak. Even here in the chatroom I find myself fading into the background, unable to speak unless people practically beg me, and then only a few words. It worries me because this is a decided step backwards. I had trouble speaking in the past but I'd conquered that fear years ago.

And yet now, in the last month or so, I've felt that old compulsion for silence wrapping me up. Someone says something or even directly asks me a question and where six weeks ago I would have had an intelligent answer now I answer in monosyllables. When someone says something in passing and I think of, what I consider to be, viable comfort or advice I don't offer it. I just remain silent.

I know where this comes from without a doubt. It just concerns me that I've started to listen to him again. Lately there hasn't been an hour that goes by where I haven't felt his hand curling around my throat as he challenged me to be quiet. Not just quiet: silent. Silence is beautiful. The old ghosts of pain flaring across my back if I failed.

There was a time in my life where I literally did not speak more than a handful or words in an entire year. Such perfect control he held over me. I thought I'd gotten over it. But now I feel that old silence creeping up inside me. I'm not sure how to stop it.

"At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end."

#377903 - 12/03/11 03:07 PM Re: Silence **Triggers [Re: StAiNeD]
Drop Offline

Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
I don't really have intelligent advice to offer except that in recovery we all take a few steps back now and then... It's not a progress that only goes up, sometimes you go down before you can go up again... Atleast that's how it works for me most of the time. And atleast you realise what you're doing, thats one step in the right direction already. Take care friend.


Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

#377907 - 12/03/11 03:15 PM Re: Silence **Triggers [Re: StAiNeD]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Stained
You seem to have had a trigger of sorts, and until you figure out what it is, it will continue to draw you back to the "days"

I always tell my AA guys, for every negative action, you need a positive action. So. If you are feeling triggered, you need a positive action to take your mind off what is happening.
Negatives tend to take over our thoughts and we start to fixate on the negative and that draws us down, and down,.......and Down.
To get out of that we need to do something good to change our pattern of thinking.
Take a walk, ride a bicycle, do a puzzle, I know guys that knit. It is also best to write these positives down and stick them on a wall somewhere. Sometimes we get so down we cant think of something good to do, so the list will help there.

I hope that this helps you.

Heal well

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#377928 - 12/03/11 04:05 PM Re: Silence **Triggers [Re: whome]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2740
Hi StAiNeD -

Drop and whom both have excellent insights! What Lucas says is absolutely true - most endeavors always involve a series of starts and stops, forward steps with the occasional step back. I don't see why this work would be any different (but I'm no expert). Plateaus often mean that progress is being "congealed" even if you think nothing is happening, and a forward burst of momentum is imminent. And Martin talks of the power of negativity, and that certainly cannot be ignored. Being positive is like flying, being negative like gravity. It's wonderful to fly but you have to keep flapping until you can just soar effortlessly in the next updraft.

I can only share what it means when *I* do that. I usually answer in curt, short answers or in platitudes when I refuse to dig deeper for more meaningful answers. It means I'm staying in the shallow end of the pool, sort of disconnecting myself from the deeper issues buried in my memory banks.

It isn't necessarily good or bad (IMHO) - it's just that sometimes the journey is a bit too rough to travel. Maybe your feet are sore. Maybe you know you don't have the energy at the moment. Maybe you have other distractions. Maybe you just don't feel like digging deep at the moment. Again, when I say "you" I mean in the general sense - may or may not apply to sTaInEd....

When I went through some tough sessions with my T - knowing I was about to start a very intense graduate program - I was nervous that the intensity of my recovery work would be a distraction to the 24/7 intensity of my schooling. Fortunately, I managed to find a good plateau in my therapy where I could concentrate for a while on other things.

I liken it to rock-climbing up a vertical mountain face - not making it to the top, but finding a good solid ledge to bivouac for a while. If that's the case with you, maybe you need to sip some coffee, enjoy the view and be proud of the climb so far...


#377956 - 12/03/11 06:20 PM Re: Silence **Triggers [Re: Chase Eric]
kb8715 Offline

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 811
Its been a tough few weeks for you.

Some of the guys you truly care for have gone through some tough steps. But with your support they each are better than they were before. My guess is you hold some of their hurt and you are wearing it now on your weak spot.

Because of you a few guys are much better off than they were not long ago. Now it's your tunr Terrell. My hunch is you will catch your breath now and feel better. You are that strong.

You have a very strong voice. Keep using it.


"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

#377957 - 12/03/11 06:30 PM Re: Silence **Triggers [Re: kb8715]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1595
Loc: California
Hi Stained,

The responses in this thread are all awesome. I had a question pop into my head ... do you have a need to listen that is stronger than your need to be heard (talking) right now? It's sometimes perfectly okay to just be silent and observe and listen. This is a part of our healing journey too (at least, it has been for me).


Edited by Magellan (12/03/11 06:30 PM)
Edit Reason: clarity

#377993 - 12/03/11 11:29 PM Re: Silence **Triggers [Re: Magellan]
thirteen Offline

Registered: 08/17/11
Posts: 44
Loc: sweden
not sure what to say really but youre stronger than you think.. everyone has "weak" moments. take care man


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