why is it that after over 44 years later i am still haunted by this ass who raped me. I mean i am 56 year old grandfather who never curses never breaks the law i try to live a christian life but yet i keep watching gay porn trying to find something or i dont know what. I have even gone as far as meeting a few men for casual sex. i dont want to be like this but i cant seem to help myself there seems to be a overwhelming desire to do these things. WHY WHY WHY i pray about this crap all the time. i dont get release from it till i get off.

It all started when i was 12 years old (possible trigger) I was a blonde hair blue eye little skinny boy who did not know anything about nothing. I lived a sheltered life but i was happy. so this high school jock Glenn use to come over and me and other boys plus my dad would play football out in the street. so one day glenn asked me to come over to his house, i did and it went ok so i started to go over to his house regularly. Till one day we went up to his room and he shut the door no one was home, so we were hanging out he got out some (playboys and gay mag) i have never seen stuff like that before so we started looking at them and the next thing i know he has his dick out of his pants playing with it. I was shocked i have never seen another persons dick ever before.

well he told me to pull my dick out i said no and he reached over and grabbed mine and said you are hard it is ok i got mine out. so he unzipped my pants and pulled it out. he played with me and told me to grab his. I was scared but i did it. we jacked each other for a while and i stopped. so his mother came home and i left. I did not see him for a few days and he appolgized to me. so i thought it was ok to come around him again. well the next time was the worse.

we were in his room again and this time he locked the door and we dropped his pants and told me to do it aswell i said i was not interested in doing this . he said come on every boy does this you will enjoy it so we layed on the floor and he and i were jacking each other off , but i had never cum ever at that age. the next thing i know he was sucking me i could not believe this was happening. it felt great but strange at the same time. i layed there for awhile till he rolled over and told me it was my turn. well i said no but he grabbed my arm and twisted it till i was hovering over his very large hard dick. he shoved that hard cock into my mouth chocking me. he made me suck him for what seemed like hours till he blew his load all over my face. then he shoved me on my back and sucked me off. I sceamed i am going to pee but it was my first time getting off and i did not know. this senerio repeated it self over and over for 4 years. i tried to tell someone but he told me he would kick my ass bad if i open my mouth and he would tell everyone i was a gay fag. I was scared. so spring forward to today. I am still looking for something. I keep fantacizing about sex with me and from time to time i do have some why cant I STOP THIS> I HAVE TRIED ALL MY LIFE YET IT IS STILL WITH ME.

the scares run deep within our bodies,mind and soul. Only the help from God and others like us can get us thru to the understanding we will over come.