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#37765 - 01/27/03 07:21 PM Responding to My Mother
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Well, I, with the help of my terrific wife, made another major decision over this anniversary weekend.

I have not only decided that I'm going to write my mother, but I have written it and it will be in the mail today. Here's what I wrote:

(I use her first name here):

"I cannot be in contact with you anymore until further notice from me if there is to be any. All I can say is in the 18 months or so since the last time you were here, and since our last letters, I have remembered things about my past and about our relationship that I am trying to deal with thru therapy. An attempt at any further explanation, I believe, would be pointless & hurtful as well. I ask you not to contact me or my family again until I contact you. It is just too painful for all of us.

(I use my first name here)"

This was written, after talking with my wife & my T, in response to a note in a card she sent with a Christmas package for our family. In it she wondered why I was not getting in touch, which I had not done in any way since those last letters, a little over a year ago.

What's interesting is that I was going to send this Saturday, but from out of town, since I don't want my mother to know my current address (the package was forwarded). I had some optional notes written becuz I wasn't sure about this one, even tho my wife thot it was the best one, and I already had it in the envelope.

Well, before going out of town we stopped to pick up our mail in town, and what was there but a note from my mother. What I was getting ready to send her could have been written in exact response to her note, as tho I'd had it in front of me when I wrote it.

So her continued uncaring, unrepentant, manipulative narcissism was reaffirmed in my mind, as was what I was going to send her--exactly what was & still is in the envelope, sealed & headed to the post office shortly.

Wow, things are really hopping here in this neck of the woods!



"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#37766 - 01/28/03 01:29 AM Re: Responding to My Mother
RickL Offline

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon

I believe there are no accidents--the fact that she has just written you. It sounds like the "energy" has gathered for you to do this. It it laying down a strong boundary, and holding her feet to the fire by stating the truth of your memory.

I sense the "triumph" in your post about this. But what about the little boy inside you? Have you allowed him to feel the loss of "mom"? To grieve about never having had a mom?

My situation is somewhat different. The abuse, while quite damaging because it happened when I was so little, was not as extreme as yours. I have spent the last 5 years wrestling with my anger toward my dad. In just the past year, after lots of fits and starts, (and being in no hurry) I finally have a sense of forgiveness for my dad.

My question is this. Should I tell my dad I forgive him? I broke the silence of his (emotional & physical) abuse in 1996 with some letters I wrote him, but never mentioned the sexual abuse. If I told him I forgive him, I would mention the sexual abuse. It'd be a lot more comfortable just to leave it all "laying under the rug"--he's afraid of looking at anything that would bring up emotional pain. But his health is faltering. I need to start thinking of what I might need to say to him before he dies. Does anyone have any thoughts?

#37767 - 01/31/03 02:32 PM Re: Responding to My Mother
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Matt & Rick:

Thanks for your affirming words, your concern, your sharing out of your own experience, strength & hope.

Wouldn't you know it I still haven't sent that note to my mother! Actually I was going to do it Wednesday when I went out of town for my therapy sessions, but was sick & ended up not going.

However tomorrow I have my new support group, which is even further out of town, and I plan to mail it from there.

If by chance I'm too sick to go (and I've been feeling better), I can mail it to one of my daughters at college and have them mail it from there.

Little Victor is doing fine too. The loss of my mother--to whatever slight degree I had one--was grieved a long time ago, and I've worked thru my relationship with her in therapy, particularly anger & forgiveness.

Rick, all abuse is hell on earth, and I can only suspect that confronting your abusers can feel like it, tho it could also be very healing.

Whether or nnot to confront your father about your
SA depends on, among other things, how he reacted to you when you confronted him about the other abuses. Did he believe you? Was he sorry? Or did he get defensive? Go into denial?

My mother has denied, claimed not to remember, or worse made light of every hint that she may have abused me in any way, or that anyone else did for that matter. This is why I'm only saying enuf to her in the note to try to keep her from contacting
us any further.

Rick I refer you, in the articles section off the main page, to "Disclosure and Confrontation," by Ken Singer.

Thanks, Matt & Rick. Take care.


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#37768 - 01/31/03 03:07 PM Re: Responding to My Mother
JamesMichael Offline

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
Originally posted by JamesMichael:
Matt, Rick, Victor, All,

Brave souls are we to call upon our higher selves and to throw off the dark burial shrouds of abuse and to be reborn into new men. Everything that rises must converge.

Boy, it's great to see us coming together and encouraging each other toward new lives.



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