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#377551 - 12/01/11 03:13 PM Feel Like Throwing in The Towel--Too Much Pain

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3855
I am finally feeling somewhat together. Another night of the same old crap from the family. I did not sleep and earlier this morning I was shattered, flashbacks from the abuse and what happened in the home to trigger the old CSA memories keep haunting me. I had to leave the home very early, did not feel safe. I was disoriented and everything was going back and forth in my head. I was so confused, had to stop the car and even stopped at a McDonald’s which I never do for a cup of tea. I have said I will not let the perp or those who ill-treated me destroy me but at times I am lost and just want to throw in the towel. When I went to bed last night after the verbal taunts I just wished I would not wake and it would be over. I feel weak and lost. If I give in the perp and others win and can deny what happened and what they have done to rob me of a life. They will have taken my life if I give in. I have been trying to reclaim lost memories and I know I hurt others with the acting out, but what good will know everything do for me. All I hear in the house it is not true, supporters and survivors are quacks, people who influence them and work in the medical field with no experience in trauma and CSA tell them what happened is not true and the effects are just excuses-they seem to know more than the survivors and trauma experts. Ignorance and incompetence does not help. I thought I could handle them but it seems ruthless at times and they keep going at me. I am worn down. I think they will not stop until I am dead. I just do not know what to do, I want to live but if naturally I do not wake one morning after I close my eyes, I will be free of the pain and hurt. And they can live a life of denial of what they have done. I hope no one does to them or what they did to me. I have just wanted to heal and have a life but I am beginning to think I was never meant to have those good tomorrows as my psychiatrist says I am entitled to have.

Sorry but I am lost today and fear how I feel. I see some hope because I have my T today, he has a way to bring me back.

#377554 - 12/01/11 04:52 PM Re: Feel Like Throwing in The Towel--Too Much Pain [Re: KMCINVA]
mike13 Offline

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Hang in there Bro. I promise things will get better just take it one day at a time if you can, one minute at a time if you have to. Please check in with the Chat room if you need help. Hope to talk to you soon Mike

#377555 - 12/01/11 04:57 PM Re: Feel Like Throwing in The Towel--Too Much Pain [Re: mike13]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2615
Loc: Central PA
So... Am I reading this right, you're still around those who abused you? Still living in the same place as them? If that is the case, any place you can go to be away from their influence? Sounds more to me like they're doing more to keep you quiet because they're afraid of you talking. That means you have the power.

Like Mike said, Hang in there. Yes, there is lots of pain as we starting digging in to deal with this stuff, but it does get better! You are worth fighting for!

#377559 - 12/01/11 05:19 PM Re: Feel Like Throwing in The Towel--Too Much Pain [Re: KMCINVA]
cris40ky Offline

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
Oh man, hang in there!

You show me a lot of strength that you may not see. That you are able to put up with your family as much as you have already. That you took the power to step out this morning and take care of you!

I understand the sense of feeling overwhelmed by the process. Feeling weak and powerless. We are reconnecting to that young person that was powerless and abused. His reservoir of pain is not limitless. His memories matter!

I sense you feel guilty for the "acting out" that you mentioned. But that doesn't mean that your family has the right to punish you they way it seems that they are.

You inspire me. I see your strengths. Keep taking care of you!

#377566 - 12/01/11 06:42 PM Re: Feel Like Throwing in The Towel--Too Much Pain [Re: KMCINVA]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 756
Loc: VA
Anyone who drinks tea at McDonald's clearly has tremendous strength. I've done flashbacks, too--they're just our brain's way of taking out the garbage, and unfortunately they're an inevitable part of healing our "trauma brains." The other PTSD symptoms that we all talk about here on MS are also rather routine for trauma survivors, meaning they're ultimately nothing personal. We owe this knowledge to those "experts" and survivors that your family enjoys belittling. Whose opinion should we value more?

So let's listen to the ones that are trying to help us. We've listened to the pervs and silencers too long. Peace!


#377577 - 12/01/11 08:00 PM Re: Feel Like Throwing in The Towel--Too Much Pain [Re: KMCINVA]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
"Throwing in the towel" is an expression from the sports world I think. Maybe boxing or wrestling.

The analogy to being a survivor is surprisingly true. Being a survivor is in many ways like having a wrestling match with life. It's often a tough match.

But please don't "Throw in the towel".


#377583 - 12/01/11 08:31 PM Re: Feel Like Throwing in The Towel--Too Much Pain [Re: KMCINVA]
Tyler845 Offline

Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.

I feel very strongly in the way that you do. The last few days for me have been everything you describe in this post and more. At times I feel like the evil that obviously infected my childhood through abuse - has followed me until today. Still showing itself, trying to finish the job it wasnt able to accomplish. To completely take me out. I would like to positively inflect now, but I can't in all honesty at this time.

I can say that I feel the weight to.

I hold true to the belief that I AM worth everything it takes to get better.

I never deserved to need to recover.

I owe it to the child I was to not give up.

Take care bro.'

Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

#377606 - 12/01/11 10:35 PM Re: Feel Like Throwing in The Towel--Too Much Pain [Re: KMCINVA]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador

I think it would be a good idea to stay away from any family that's giving you a hard time, at least for a while. Give yourself the credit you deserve for being able to put up with this. Personally, my rule is that if anybody, including family, ever did anything like that to me, the're gone for good - never again anything to do with them. You are a lot better than you give yourself credit for. Good luck with getting over this road bump. It will no time before you look back and say that was a real bad time but it's over now and say "Well done to me."

I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#377613 - 12/01/11 11:48 PM Re: Feel Like Throwing in The Towel--Too Much Pain [Re: Sailor John]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3855
Thank you I am feeling better now. Had my session with my T, he help me see I need to take a step back and not be too hard on myself.

I never realized how the effects of trauma and PTSD can be latent for years. The realization or should I say finally acknowledging and not burying the abuse, can set off so many effects of the trauma that occurred forty plus years ago. We talked again how as a child the mind can not process the trauma and the mind can partition the events in the mind. But they are always there. I am going through it all--fear, sense of worthlessness, self abusing and self destruction by acting out (the later two I am very focused on not repeating and so far I am doing well on these fronts), fear of the unknown, acknowledging I was not in control of the what was done to me (which he believes led to me acting out and recreating the abuse so I could control what was happening and these fear of not having been in control is hampering my healing), stopping the what if questions because I cannot change what happened as a child. I need to accept it is a part of who I am and manage it so as not to control me. It all sounds so simple on the surface but mixing it with the emotions is another issue. He believes my environment is not best for the healing.

He was able to explain it so well but I have things to do, stop blaming myself for the abuse and everything bad that has happened--it is not my fault--I was a child--self guilt and thinking I can cut it out as though it never happened. The flashbacks he hopes will become less over time. He is able to get me to open up--I was in tears through most of the session but felt better after it was over.

Thank you for the support--I have so many valleys and some peaks--which I hope become more frequent. Also thank you for reminding me that these are memories and they can be powerful and that people should not diminish the value and knowledge of the experts and survivors. They and we are helping us to heal.

Edited by KMCINVA (12/02/11 12:13 AM)

#377663 - 12/02/11 06:30 AM Re: Feel Like Throwing in The Towel--Too Much Pain [Re: KMCINVA]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3855
Another night I cannot sleep. Do not want to close my eyes. Heard the same thing you were not abused. Raises my anxiety and I know if I try to sleep the flashbacks will start. Started to write a letter to my children telling them I love and talking about some fond memories and my hopes for them. It is 1am here and I have that unsafe feeling. I will have to leave soon.

Trying to heal wrote my thoughts of csa and my experiences and hopefully they will appear in the final print. I do not want to hide anymore. I want to live. I told my family, reaction was you were not abused. Those words hurt and kill me, trying to destroy my healing. So I cannot sleep, fear the night flashbacks. I am exhausted hopefully this chapter ends soon.

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