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#377470 - 12/01/11 12:21 AM I am finally tackling the Introduction
randy2000 Offline

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 5
Loc: New York, USA
My secret is finally out. The sexual abuse I had never wanted to deal with had to be faced. I have a great marriage and good kids. I have spent most of my life filling the hole of abuse with a host of additions. I am ready to face the scars so that I can try to heal.

I was 10 when a 17 year old high school student I trusted manipulated me into doing sexual stuff. He had pornography and alcohol. He constantly told me that we would both get in trouble if anyone knew about the porn or the alcohol. After he had assaulted me orally and anally for a while he threatened to tell my dad and mom that I was gay. I was scared, I didnít know what to do. I didnít know what to feel. I soon was addicted to masturbation.

My story is a long one. The abuse changed my life and I kept it all inside for almost 40 years. I am facing my past. I am going to try hard to heal.

Thanks to each of you that have given me a flicker or two of hope during this journey.

#377472 - 12/01/11 01:02 AM Re: I am finally tackling the Introduction [Re: randy2000]
Fissy Tsickens Offline

Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Welcome, Randy!

So sorry you experienced that abuse, but glad you found this place. You'll find the guys here to be very helpful and understanding. I hope you'll find your time at MS worthwhile as I have.



Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

#377486 - 12/01/11 03:44 AM Re: I am finally tackling the Introduction [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
StringsAttached Offline

Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 59

While your story is uniquely yours, there are parts to it that many of us can relate to. For me, in particular, the part that I relate to is the time it took to get around to dealing with it. I buried it for 35 years. I knew it was there and that it happened but I did not understand how it affected me until I became impotent in my early 40s...

Talking about it in therapy has been great... and believe it or not, the impotence is retreating (on most days).

Probably more than you wanted to know... we are a fairly open group here and you will find many brothers who will support you during this very difficult time.


Survive, then thrive

#377505 - 12/01/11 05:45 AM Re: I am finally tackling the Introduction [Re: randy2000]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Randy

Glad that you have finally decided to heal, and healing is entirely possible.
It is important to remember this, Healing DOES HAPPEN. You will encounter some bumps in the road, but they are only bumps, not infinite walls that cannot be climbed.
So on your journey rejoice during the painful times, as these are clues to the fact that healing IS taking place.
Talk a lot, ask a lot of questions, and read a lot.

Heal well

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#377509 - 12/01/11 07:33 AM Re: I am finally tackling the Introduction [Re: whome]
ANDREW63 Offline

Registered: 08/27/11
Posts: 164
Loc: Australia
Hi Randy ,like you i also took some time to finally open up about my abuse (it has taken me 40 years ) memories which i thought were buried deep enough to not affect me but have been simmering under the surface all along ,i am now dealing with these memories with a great therapist it hasn't been easy but my recovery will happen ,i hope that you feel that you are amongst friends here the same as i do ,Andrew.

LOOK AT ME NOW I AM A SURVIVOR !My inner child and I are now doing this together !

#377521 - 12/01/11 12:30 PM Re: I am finally tackling the Introduction [Re: ANDREW63]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome Randy- I praise you for your courage and openness in sharing here-

The truth will set you free-and there is a great amount of hope in taking steps towards facing some of the long buried truths about our lives.

I also struggled with addictions and my peeps were teens-I was 9. The abuse haunted me for 35 years until i was safe and Had enough support to deal with it.

MS has a lot of resources and help-I read a lot and got a T early on, but sharing and hearing from other men who were abused has been a very "normalizing" experience for me.

Today I am able to contribute to my marriage and kids in positive ways and to. E emotionally present- just the fact that my family has stayed together is a huge result of the support I've received as I have stayed sober, stopped hiding and running, and been given the grace to feel the loss, anger, fear and ultimately joy that comes from trudging this road of recovery.

We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ÔŅĹIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#378653 - 12/08/11 07:30 AM Re: I am finally tackling the Introduction [Re: Mountainous Buck]
randy2000 Offline

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 5
Loc: New York, USA
I want to thank each of you that has written to me and encouraged me as I begin this difficult journey. I am encouraged by your presence that recovery and healing is possible.

Thank you so much.


#378691 - 12/08/11 05:40 PM Re: I am finally tackling the Introduction [Re: randy2000]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2716
Hi, Randy -

It's not easy to share - to put yourself out there, openly revealing secrets that at one time you thought you'd die if they were ever known. For myself, I never realized how difficult that sharing would be.

Sexual abuse is an intimacy of shame and embarrassment. It takes courage to open the windows of you to others. But in so doing, you air out the musty secrets and allow the light to pour in.



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