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#377407 - 11/30/11 08:42 AM Why am I scared
Dar Offline

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Why am I so scared to tell my family the things that happened to me when I was younger. I know in my head that it might be better for everyone to know so they all understand why I went so nuts for a while, but I hold back with all my mite because I am afraid that everyone will look at me in a differant way.
like, my dad is a fag, he had sex with a man, did he really like it, all the bull shit thoughts that people can have. The last thing that I want is people feeling sorry for me, That would make matters even worse.
My wife is the only one that knows the whole story about my past and she is the greatest gift that God could have givin me and I almost screwed that all up when I was acting out. But by telling her the story she now has compassion to help me get thru this.
Would our children? They are all over 20 now.
Or would I be stepping into more difficult things that I dont need right now as I am still trying to get past all of the CSA.

I am sure that I am not the only one that has gone thru this and would appriciate any advise that you may have.
Thanks and God Bless

All I ever wanted was a hug.

#377415 - 11/30/11 09:38 AM Re: Why am I scared [Re: Dar]
Disappointed Offline

Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 541
Loc: U.S.A.

Listen, you're scared for many good reasons. Potentially, the ramifications could be far-reaching. I suggest you use the search engine here and do a search of the word "disclosure." This topic has been discussed many times here, by many many people from many many different viewpoints. The good, the bad, and the downright ugly.

If you're going to do it, be prepared for the possibilities first.

Good luck,


#377426 - 11/30/11 10:52 AM Re: Why am I scared [Re: Dar]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
I think everybody is extremely afraid when they make the decision to disclose. Part the fear of being not believed, part the shame of what happened, fear of rejection, part afraid they will want the whole story and just a general nervousness of what you are doing even when it is somebody you are 99.999999% sure will believe and will standby you through thick and thin.

Then slowly work your way down you list of who you want to tell, keeping in the order of those who you believe the most will accept you and help you. That way you are starting to believe in youself so that when the inevitable rejection occurs, you will be able to handle it a lot easier because you know everbody else you told has believed in you.

What I did was send the first two siblings telling them I was abused was send them an E-mail with a couple of links about Male CSA. That gave me a sense of security. If they called before I said to in my message and started ranting at me, I could just hang up the phone - in my mind, it also helped that I live about an hour away so they I believed then that if they showed up I could just lock the door on them and not let them in.

I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#377427 - 11/30/11 10:58 AM Re: Why am I scared [Re: Sailor John]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
I forgot to put this paragrph in my previous post.

So far everybody I've told is 110% behind me. Just knowing they are there for me was a big relief even if I don't need somebody to vent on; it's just the fact of knowing they are there when I do.

I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#377615 - 12/01/11 06:59 PM Re: Why am I scared [Re: Dar]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
You may get more responses by posting this in the "Male Survivors" section.


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#377692 - 12/02/11 08:37 AM Re: Why am I scared [Re: herowannabe]
George Offline

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 168
Loc: NY metro
Hi Dar,

The one person that I'd tell the most to would be my wife. I say "most", because I don't want her to know & dwell on the gory details, she'll get the pitcure. I told my wife that my uncle was the one, I didn't give names, dates, places of my acting out, I told her that it happened & why, but I didn't think that I should burdan here with more than that & she agrees with me on that.

As far as my kids, I don't care how old they are, I don't think I should burdan them with much more than; some bad stuff happened to me as a kid, it effected me and I'm working tru it, that I hope it didn't take anything away from me being the best father that I could be, and if it did, I'm sorry and at least you now know why, that none of it was your fault (or even yours). I had my kids after I dealt with the bulk of this mess, so it damaging the relationship that I should've had with them is not an issue for me (I say that humblely), but had we had them early on, I know that I would've been a cold, distant, uninvolved father and would of had to have come to them for forgivness & understanding, so that they could have peace, affirmation & healing as well.

No family is perfect, but it's important to break the cycles of not only the sexual abuse, but all the crap that comes after it, the coldness, walls, anger, etc... The important thing is that you are here and on the right path.


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