After "I AM DIFFERENT" I began to realize the much in my life was not a direct result of the abuse, but more because I am choosing the wrong personality type to try and channel. I am trying to find a mentor who I CANNOT learn from, nor mimic, nor assimilate!
Being victorious is about being sensitive, caring, hesitant, thoughtful, and empathetic. The stereotype I envision for me is a lowly servant, hunchback with a lame leg I drag around with me. I am never the one who gets to be a hero, never gets to be powerful and courageous. But that stereo type is wrong. I can be helpful and subjective, but I can also be strong and heroic, as long as I think through an event and see what needs to be done in each step, then proceed. I can act quickly with preparation, the military does it all the time. They do not act spontaneously, they are not an impulsive entity, and I am not either.
The lines of understanding do not travel back in time to the abuse, but rather, to my being DIFFERENT. Those around me did not understand how to raise me, who to teach me. They yelled and I cowered, then acted out. The struck, and I bled, and then resented them. They abused me, and I.., I.., wanted more. Yes, they did not understand.
Those lines go back to a boy who thought with his heart, and that powered his mind, and he acted on those feelings. Being sensitive, being abused sexually, physically, emotionally and religiously, I was overwhelmed with feelings. I fled from one supposed safety to another, always trying to fit in, a damaged wreck limping to another garage, never getting the help or support he needed till there was almost no more hope.
I AM DIFFERENT, and I will use this difference to contrast those who cannot feel, cannot understand, cannot grasp empathy and compassion, who cannot "hold the feelings" of another, but who need to give advise summarily and then, with a whack of a an imagined gavel, they judge and pronounce sentence.
I will be different. I will celebrate that difference, and the world will benefit from my unique outlook, and my gentle hand to the afflicted. TODAY I AM REBORN anew!
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014