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#376314 - 11/21/11 12:56 PM struggling with my identity:Triggers?
ges1974 Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 17
Loc: illinois
Hello all,am not sure if this is the right place to post this i have not posted my whole story here yet because i am still coming to terms with it all,i am new to this site was abused from 7-14 by a baseball coach that happend to be a family member a step uncle,along with a younger boy cousin that was his stepson he always did it with us together etc we both would get arowsed i know now after reading here that its a normal reaction and abusers play on that emotion and he definatly did with me and my cousin as well even though i can't speak for him,well when i entered high school i had a few girlfriends etc, but in the back of my mind i was attracted to other males,and for obvious reasons now i was never able to allow myself to be close to any of my gf's them even though i felt was attracted to them but at the sametime to other males be it classmates coaches older male authority figures etc,from 18-26 yo i identified myself as a str8 male or at least in my mind bi because i still had feelings toward men,well fast forward to 2003,started having strong sexual feelings toward other men again like in my teen years, and with the advent of the internet,i had my 1st gay expirence with a older man i had met,now fastforward again to about 3 weeks ago or so when the penn state atrocity came to light i started following it and reading the grand jury tran>

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#376316 - 11/21/11 01:15 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: ges1974]
ksequoia Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 92
Loc: NYC
Yes, Ges, the Penn State thing took me here to MS, for very much the same reasons it did you. It's a safe place to vent, this site I mean. I agree - don't label yourself. I know how you feel. Others label us and it's their problem. We are just - us. And we're not alone. You're not alone.

I just made an appointment with a local therapist that specializing in sexuality and CSA, along with addictions, etc. I pray it's a good fit. I was told therapy would be helpful. Many men here find that to be true. I've been to other T's in the past, but never got honest.

It's time.

Be well, and glad you're here!

K.-


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#376317 - 11/21/11 01:15 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: ges1974]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome ges-

Spend some time in this site and in these forums looking over posts-You will find you are not alone in your confusion or your sexual development-

I relate to a lot of the attraction and decisions you made- And I can assure you there is clarity and healthy intimacy that can come from honestly facing ones self and giving up the denial and secrets.

I'm living proof of that-we can find healing and reclaim our own Selves and sexuality and relations with others on our own terms as mature adult males, unemcumbered by the abuse and shame and decisions of the past.





Edited by Mountainous Buck (11/21/11 01:18 PM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#376320 - 11/21/11 01:25 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
ges1974 Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 17
Loc: illinois
hello,yes i know i need help and i have been looking for someone professional to allow myself to start the healing process,its hard not to label myself right now,at this point i am not sure what i am and that scares me alot


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#376323 - 11/21/11 01:47 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: ges1974]
ksequoia Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 92
Loc: NYC
Just be you, my fellow sufferer. Relief is possible. Be patient with yourself. I'm trying to. I'd didn't get this screwed up overnight. My recovery will take time, but I am so grateful I'm going in the right direction, away from the pain and lies, and toward the freedom that truth brings. This site helps. Keep posting. No one will judge you here. Just be you.

K.-


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#376361 - 11/21/11 05:42 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: ksequoia]
VirtualBman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/20/11
Posts: 21
Loc: Dayton, OH
Ges,

Welcome, you are indeed on the right site. I agree with the others about not labeling and being yourself. Having said that I also have problems stemming from my thoughts and sometimes attractions to males. I am married and have 3 children, I adore and love my wife. I find her extremely attractive and we have a very active sex life. Yet, I still have fantasies involving men. I have asked myself the bi/gay question a million times and never have cleared it up.

My wife is aware of my abuse as a child, she is very supportive as well. I have not however, discussed these effects of my CSA. I think what's most important is who you are happy being. That's a load of crap, I know. I want the same answers you do. Why am I attracted to some men, if I am a heterosexual male?

Maybe we can both learn something from this post.

Take care and again welcome to the site. These brethren have been a great source of strength for me.

Bman


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#376507 - 11/22/11 05:42 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: VirtualBman]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Ges,

It is important to understand how the SA affected you, that much is clear. While we may have many uncertainties about gender preference, primarily, we need to work towards a goal of whole recovery.

Most men report that what they originally came to recover consciously, is not the first thing to be discovered. We are anxious and hyper vigilant about so many things, but there is a general order that is not put together consciously, but rather, subconsciously.
It is important to prepare ourselves to recover. Being in a safe environment, without fear of physical or sexual dominance, knowing that those around you will support you, literally, that they will believe what you say is right. This will let you believe in the process, becoming more and more "right", until you are where you feel safe and secure. Using calming techniques, mindful awareness, stretching and relaxation exercises, we can create space inside us to let our little boy speak, and we will listen, and help his to grow. In doing this, we become one. Our recovered strong, confident self.

I encourage you ges, to post often, to find the space to heal, and to continue until you have accomplished internal support mechanisms. The questions will be answered, the fears dissipate, the confidence grows,
Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#376513 - 11/22/11 06:22 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: SamV]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 47
Loc: Florida, US
Ges, My therapist touched on the issue of SSA this week. I don't have SSA, I got something different from my CSA. PM me if you want to hear more. My therapist keeps telling me: "Fantasies are just fantasies." So, if I fantasize about something, that's it. It ends there. Unless I choose to act on it.

So I'd encourage you to seek professional help with a therapist certified in sex therapy. I've found the certification makes a difference. My T specifically said of SSA that many males who are victimized have the same attractions that you and many of the other members speak about. My stuff is just different. Not any better or worse, just different.

Peace

_________________________
"There is always hope."

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#376793 - 11/25/11 06:06 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: ges1974]
skylar777 Offline


Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 30
Loc: ohio
Hello ges when i read your post i thought i was reading mine. The way it happen to me is different but the idenity issure you are having sound just like me. I too keep wanting to be with men even though i have been married for over 28 years. My life has been one big lie and i too am so confussed. There are day and times i wish i could scream or die. I keep trying to meet other men but back out at the last minute till i met a guy down the street who i have been with once, I keep asking myself what am i a freak or what. I went to see a therapist and she obviously is not qualified to be a sex therapist. she told me i was bi and i need to face up to it and either divorice my wife and live the life style or stop doing it with men. Oh my gosh she has no idea what i or we (men) are going thru. There are times i wish i would die rather than battle this day in and day out. So i do understand you so well. Not sure what the answer is but my rope is getting shorter with each passing day like yours. All i know is we need to keep venting our concerns with others and see if there is help out there . Good luck keep in touch. skylar777

_________________________
the scares run deep within our bodies,mind and soul. Only the help from God and others like us can get us thru to the understanding we will over come.

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#376873 - 11/26/11 12:34 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: skylar777]
ges1974 Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 17
Loc: illinois
hello skylar yes its a tough situation,this whole process makes you question everything that you do or everything you have done in the past,you definatly have to find someone that specalizes in SA,definatly come into the chat and talk because it has helped me tons in the short time i have been here,trust me you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings,i will definatly keep in touch and you as well if u ever wanna chat etc i am here for you we all are


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#378253 - 12/05/11 10:50 AM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: ges1974]
monkey Offline


Registered: 12/04/11
Posts: 53
Loc: IL
Ges, I too, like Skylar can identify exactly what you are saying. I am constantly questioning myself. I have been reading quite a bit from the MS forum and am still coming to terms with myself and just starting to come out. I have yet to reveal my story. I know that this MS site I will find support in most if not all my issues. So glad that we are not alone!

_________________________
Monkey(Mark)
The Flower Unfolding

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#378269 - 12/05/11 01:04 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: monkey]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Finding a safe environment to work through the abuse and its consequences in our lives since is the number ONE thing.

So many T's do not understand and are clueless when it comes to dealing with men whose sexuality has been damaged early in life.

Being able to openly share and admit my pain and struggles and regrets and lies is, for me, the pathway towards freedom and healthy intimacy on ALL levels.

I was born with a uniqueness to be expressed in loving relationships- including with myself, my close friends, my partner And my kids.

Evicting the abuse and perps from these expressions is entirely possible and attainable. It is tr essence of recovery- knowing my true self and learning to be that true self in my relationships.



Edited by Mountainous Buck (12/05/11 01:05 PM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#378688 - 12/08/11 12:30 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: monkey]
ges1974 Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 17
Loc: illinois
yes i agree,its tough to ask yourself these questions i havn't posted my whole story yet ether just a small summary,it has helped me so much to have found this and to know that i am not alone


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#378693 - 12/08/11 01:03 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
ges1974 Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 17
Loc: illinois
hello mountanious,yes its hard to find a safe place to work thru it,i agree being scared of the T's,not many truely understand for sure,guess i am scared of getting the wrong one that makes this whole situation worse for me,i know the being exposed and being damaged early has touched me in every part of my life reguardless if i want to admit it or not


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#379408 - 12/14/11 06:44 AM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: ges1974]
VirtualBman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/20/11
Posts: 21
Loc: Dayton, OH
The worst part for me is that I am told to express my feelings and show my vulnerability. Then as soon as I do my my wife tells me that I am unattractive when I act this way. It's a constant see saw of "men don't have to be macho, but also don't act like a girl. I'm sick of the double standard. Take me as I am and let me try to be who it is I want to be. I am just trying to find the little boy inside of me, who was never all that strong to begin with. This is so fucking hard to balance, I want to give up so often. It's so unfair and frustrating.


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#379415 - 12/14/11 09:28 AM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: VirtualBman]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Vbatman-I hope u can find a safe and supportive environment to do your work in. My loved ones are too emotionally attached to help me with this-it scares them and there are far more qualified men in my network and meetings to help me explore these issues with.

Reading books about recovery from SA, having a T, groups, twelve step programs, these are all powerful resources that guide my journey.

It didn't work for me to take these issues to my partner.



Edited by Mountainous Buck (12/14/11 09:37 AM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#380774 - 12/26/11 09:12 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: ges1974]
dinger57 Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 3
Loc: PA (Near Harrisburg)
This is how i feel I too keep wanting to be with men. My life has been one big lie and i too am so confussed. There are days and times i wish i could die and just get it over with. I keep trying to meet other men but back out at the last minute till I see men at rest stops. I keep asking myself why am I these way. There are times i wish i would die rather than battle this day in and day out.


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#380831 - 12/27/11 01:05 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: dinger57]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: dinger57
This is how i feel...


dinger57 - i think i know what you are going through. it is extremely difficult and very easy to give up. not sure what i type matters in the scheme of things....but hopefully just knowing there are other guys out there in your shoes - this helps a little bit. you aren't alone.

_________________________
Jeff

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#385790 - 02/14/12 08:30 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: ges1974]
1334 Offline


Registered: 05/25/10
Posts: 3
I think the fantasies reflect something less threatening.

Perhaps those who you "think" you are attracted to resemble a piece of yourself that was lost.

In my experience, when I look at it this way, that "attraction" goes away i.e. when I allow myself to live completely, I am complete and there is no "alter ego" with "other desires and motives".

What I mean by "complete" is embracing that part of me that feels that way. Instead of feeling disgusted with myself, I become empathetic and I comfort my anxiety.

God has also comforted me when I couldn't.





Edited by 1334 (02/14/12 08:32 PM)

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#385792 - 02/14/12 08:34 PM Re: struggling with my identity:Triggers? [Re: VirtualBman]
1334 Offline


Registered: 05/25/10
Posts: 3
I think the fantasies reflect something less threatening.

Perhaps those who you "think" you are attracted to resemble a piece of yourself that was lost.

In my experience, when I look at it this way, that "attraction" goes away i.e. when I allow myself to live completely, I am complete and there is no "alter ego" with "other desires and motives".

What I mean by "complete" is embracing that part of me that feels that way. Instead of feeling disgusted with myself, I become empathetic and I comfort my anxiety.

God has also comforted me when I couldn't.


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