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#375592 - 11/17/11 01:31 AM Penn State and empathy
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
As some of you may know, I am about one month post revelation with my husband. We very lightly touch on the topic occasionally as he is not there yet. But the Penn State thing has him quite upset. And me too. We have an 11 year old son. When I read the indictment, I vomited into my garbage can in my office (very classy indeed). And tonight, we talked about the case a little and he was quite upset and I started to cry. And he said, "Why are you crying???"

Ah...empathy. Something I think may be difficult for people who have suffered abuse. My husband has always seemed a little short on empathy. And we supporters model empathy. It is one of the things that we offer to the people we love and hurt with.

#375600 - 11/17/11 01:40 AM Re: Penn State and empathy [Re: Esposa]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
It absolutely does rock yer world. I wonder if non-survivors and non-survivors F&F have similar reactions like you did/do.

I'm still flipping-out like there's no tomorrow.

F&F needs to include the mothers of the Penn State boys. So many of them were SO happy that Sandusky took an interest....cant say any more.

#375611 - 11/17/11 02:19 AM Re: Penn State and empathy [Re: Still]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 754
Loc: VA
When a story from the Penn State scandal triggers a flashback to one's own CSA experience, I'd say that's the most complete empathy one person can have for another. From the sound of things on the MS website, every survivor falls somewhere toward the Empathy end of the spectrum on this scandal. Many of us are braced for the next distressing revelation--maybe your hub is, too.

And I congratulate you on hitting the garbage can! I'll bet a lot of people missed, after some of the things that have come to light in this scandal. Peace, and use that strength to help yourself and your hubster.


#375617 - 11/17/11 02:34 AM Re: Penn State and empathy [Re: unhappycamper]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Camper - agreed, this is an opportunity for empathy. When I refer to lack of empathy, I think it is in normal situations where trust may preclude empathy - at least that's my personal experience. Empathy is abundant now.

Robbie - my mother in law is probably very similar to some of these mothers. Maybe I am overstepping, but my husband's mother was essentially his pimp. She would have been THRILLED if Sandusky had shown interest. I mean, tickets to a Penn State Game???

#375625 - 11/17/11 03:26 AM Re: Penn State and empathy [Re: Esposa]
catfish86 Offline

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 832
Loc: Ohio
Don't confuse empathy with crying or showing emotions. For example, I have been extremely triggered. I was very distracted for a couple of days. I went back into coping strategies, self-talk, focus breathing, imagery, calling my sponsor when I really felt like taking a drink. My wife pointed out how distracted I was and expressed concern. I realized I needed to pray the Serenity Prayer. There is very little I can actually do for that situation. I then limited my reading on the subject. I do follow the story but consciously step away after an article or two. It is not for lack of empathy because my heart breaks with sorrow when I hear the mother of Victim 1 tell what her son is going through. If there is some way for me to help, I will be more than happy but that is truly unlikely.

I went to a lot of work to deal with all the issues head on and put them back in pandora's box. Allowing these demons to escape their box can be harmful even fatal. So if your husband chooses to back away from certain levels of reaction, please allow him to do so because he is likely trying to keep himself safe.

Edited by catfish86 (11/17/11 03:29 AM)
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.


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