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#375132 - 11/13/11 02:52 AM Worried and overstepping
Ringing11 Offline

Registered: 11/13/11
Posts: 6

This is my first post here, but I am so thankful there is a suppport board and that I have found it. I have a friend who confided in me this February that a close family member had abused him for four years when he was a young child. It had been about 35 years since it happened and he had only shared this with his sister and me. This family member had been serving jail time for an assualt charge, and was released this week. With all the Penn. State issues and this person being in the same town again; it has been a tough week for my friend. I am concerned, but also am co-dependent and really need to rein myself in and keep my mouth shut when I want to tell him what to do i.e. "you really should see a therapist." (He did bring up that he was considering seeing someone to talk this out with.) I hate to see how much this hurts him and want him to feel better. Yet another thing is this family member called him this week and asked my friend to "put all this behind them"-my friend yelled at him and said he would never do that. The family member then basically threatened my friend's life and then hung up the phone. My friend is now blaming himself for not saying this or that and then for not hanging up the phone and instead letting this person see how angry he was. Also~he has verbalized that he doesn't understand why he didn't stop the abuse. I assured him he was a child and this had nothing to do with him.

I care about him so much and just want to help. Any advice out there for this situation? I want to help him!

#375140 - 11/13/11 04:06 AM Re: Worried and overstepping [Re: Ringing11]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Hello Ringing11, and welcome.
A supporter is just that, support. A survivor who has another's thoughts in his head soon struggles against them, alienating any support you could give without demanding recovery of his issues in your process. Thank you for your self awareness and honesty.
He mentioned seeing a professional, and he needs to the encouraged along those lines. The professional needs to be an expert in male sexual abuse recovery. There are also articles in Malesurvivor concerning confrontation and disclosure, how to prepare for it and what not to do. That your friend is being physically threatened now is cause for concern. A plan of action needs to be created and carried out.
Encourage your friend to come to MaleSurvivor, to share his story get to support he needs. Many here have been sexually abused and as well have been physically religiously emotionally or verbally abused. Threats and violence are just tools the perpetrator uses to keep us silent. When he is strong enough he will not fear the threats of the perpetrator.

That is for the future for now it's important he feel safe and begin recovery. Thank you for your efforts to be a supporter, you are thought of in Male survivor as very important.


MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#375174 - 11/13/11 06:32 PM Re: Worried and overstepping [Re: SamV]
Ringing11 Offline

Registered: 11/13/11
Posts: 6
Thank you Sam. I will encourage him to come here and get support. I think the bottom line is he does need to feel safe again and right now he does not. He told me all of these old feelings have come up again for him, but maybe this will help him start down that road of recovery and care enough about himself to get started at least. He has people around him who care so much for him, so he has that bottom foundation under him. Thanks again for your reply~

#375262 - 11/14/11 08:55 AM Re: Worried and overstepping [Re: Ringing11]
TheTwoOfUs Offline

Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA

I'm not going to comment on the subject of the safety and feeling safe issues as I just don't feel I have enough knowledge in that area. But in terms of encouraging him to come out in here and post and read... I'll try to give the little bit of insight I have myself personally. Take this for what it's worth, I just hope it helps a little bit.

Granted I'm a fairly recent joiner to the boards here. But speaking as an ASA... my little sis would bring up posts from time to time here and call me over to read... or she would print something out and tape it to my desktop monitor for me to find when I got home from work. Sometimes she had taken a highlighter or a pen and highlighted sections or underlined them in big thick underlines, or circled sections.. to draw my attention to things.

She bought books as well, and would stick them in my truck, or on top of my toolbox, or in my toolbox, with bookmarks or held open to the particular pages and passages she wanted me to read... she got very inventive about getting me to read things. I still can't actually speak about this verbally - even with my therapist - but we figured out after a while that I could handle reading about it. I have a lot of PTSD, a few phobic responses, flashbacks, anxiety, still struggle with all of that, still struggle with the fear and in order to feel 'safe', I still almost have my world under an iron lockdown in many ways.

She printed out bits of things from multiple different sites, and if I didn't seem receptive to being handed it directly, she would always fall back on the slap it to my monitor with tape method.. I guess it was her way of shoving my nose in it as close as she could get to the literal definition of the phrase.

Start out gently, I guess. Some of us are thickheaded at times (I know I am!), and sis had to get a little sneaky to bait me into coming out in here. (She can be as stubborn as her jarhead brother when she has to be - and sometimes that's a good thing.)

But don't expect him to just jump in right away. The two of us were reading here as unregistered anonymous guests for a month or so before sis made the login... and it was a couple days after that, that she dug her heels into the sand and almost twisted my arm to get me to write something. In my case I sometimes need a good arm-twist or a swift boot in the tailquarters, but I highly doubt that's the case for every male. She also had been doing the books and website-printouts and whatnot for about three months before finding this site here. It was a very gradual process for me.

Bear in mind as well, I don't have any CSA in my background, just ASA from about two years ago. So I don't know if that will affect how he may or may not respond to the thought of writing here. But for me it was a gradual reel-in, it took a little while, so don't expect him to just jump up and post in a night. But keep at it tactfully, I guess.

I think I'm rambling, so I'm going to stop. I guess what I'm trying to say is try to encourage him, but don't outright try to force him, or he may recoil all that harder... but if he CAN be convinced to come in, it might help. Again, no CSA for me, just ASA... but just the short time I've been here reading and writing a little bit has helped already.

Hope this helps.

Edited by TheTwoOfUs (11/14/11 09:22 AM)

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

#375287 - 11/14/11 04:21 PM Re: Worried and overstepping [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
Ringing11 Offline

Registered: 11/13/11
Posts: 6
Thank you Matthew for sharing your story with me. I am so glad you have your sister there for you and that she knew how to guide you gently to post here! I will suggest this site to him, and then step back and let it go because I think he will respond better to that. I think he needs to do it when he is comfortable and ready and until then, I have assured him that I will be there for him whenever he needs me to be~I want him to feel better!


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