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#374115 - 11/03/11 02:15 AM Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob
Marinan Offline

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 330
My name is Jacob. I post here under different names of course.:)
Anyway I was only six when five teenage boys came into my house and all of them forced me to suck their dicks. It's twenty years later and now nothing makes sense. I haven't ever had a meaningful friendship with another male in childhood or adulthood because I've been obsessed with sucking their dicks.

I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel like a human being anymore. Therapy's been useless and I can't talk to my folks. (They are in denial about it.) And they don't want to hear about it.

Does it bother any of you guys to have such incredible feelings of affection, and sexual attraction to guys when they've harmed you so evilishly?

Edited by Marinan (11/03/11 02:23 AM)

#374118 - 11/03/11 02:52 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Marinan]
Fissy Tsickens Offline

Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia

It IS very hard to get past the obsession. It's been over 30 years since my abuse, and to this day, I do not feel I have a single close male friend. The closest I get is two guys who are the husbands of two of my female friends. Females don't feel nearly as threatening.

It's very frustrating, too, to desire male companionship but be scared to death to attempt that companionship because you can't help but obsess about what's in his pants.

So, yeah, I still feel this sexual attraction, but at the same time, I feel threatened by and scared of men. I guess the fear comes from the abuse, and the attraction from the pleasurable feelings we experienced during the very abuse that scares us. Welcome to my "F'd" up world.



Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Ill never see

It may sound absurd...but dont be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wont you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Its not easy to be me

#374129 - 11/03/11 06:32 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
ozzie_guy Offline

Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 22
Loc: Queensland, Australia

My first abuse started when I was 8... it went on for 9 years by 4 different perpetrators over that time. It is now 30 years since it finished and I know exactly how you are feeling. Every time I got close to another guy even as a friend I ran from it. All I can say is try not to be too hard on yourself. I didn't know if I was attracted to guys because of the abuse or if I was abused because I was attracted to guys... and like you I am still confused as hell. If you ever want to talk brother send me a message...


I wonder what a life will be like being able to cope with the horrors of my memories.

Why am I so terrified of the possibility of being happy...

#374152 - 11/03/11 03:08 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: ozzie_guy]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
Man I can totally relate to what you say, the duplicity of it all.

I think abuse sucks if your straight cuz being abused and yet aroused by the memory of what happened to your body and how it betrayed you is encredibly confusing. You want to be with women cuz thats the social directive and your aroused by women yet there is this part of your brain that wont let you forget the imprint. You must be f'd up.

I think abuse sucks when you would have been gay anyway cuz how could you be attracted to guys when what happened to you was so horrible. The way the sex and orgasm was completely dissociated from any normal feelings of closeness, intimacy or love. Over and over you learn that your job was to be an object to achieve orgasm in a world of extreme secrecy and shame. Marinam you said it perfectly when you called it evil. How f'd up is that.

But please dont give up on T or help, there are people out there and friends in here that can help, like ozzie guy. There are ways and means to pull the tangled mess of emotions apart and find out that you can move forward. But its not easy cuz when you have been the victim of csa, emotionally we are all thumbs.

Be kind to yourself.


Edited by 1lifenow (11/03/11 03:10 PM)
Edit Reason: bad spealler
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

#374228 - 11/04/11 08:08 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: 1lifenow]
mike13 Offline

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Jacob Thanks for bringing some new ideas to the table. I thought I avoided gay relationships because I was terrify of anal. You have given me something new to ponder. Thanks for the new light. Hope you are doing better talk to you soon Mike13

#374256 - 11/04/11 01:04 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Marinan]
lapchinj Offline

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1485
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing

Edited by lapchinj (03/18/13 02:58 AM)
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

#374389 - 11/06/11 12:13 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Marinan]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
((((Jacob)))) Safe hugs!

I hear your struggles. I can relate. I was once married to a woman - R and then was a couple with a man - L. My "memories" started after being with L for 6 years. I am currently single and have no desire to be with anyone romantically due to the many flashbacks and "memories" of oral and anal sex by the men in my childhood. I am changing my associations with others as I continue to separate reality vs. abuse.

Your on the right path. Being here is one of the ways to separate out the memories.


aka DJsport

#375010 - 11/11/11 10:46 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Marinan]
Dexter Offline

Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 43
Loc: NJ, USA
Yes it does. I am married with 3 kids and every time I meet a male acquaintance I feel like I have to blow him for him to like me. Crazy, but thats the conditioning I got. the only way anyone wants to be bothered with you (me) is to be someones play thing. When I meet someone new, I smile, shake hands, and immediately look at there crotch to see what I am going to have to deal with. Not the best reaction to new people when with your wife. It is something that I don't seem to be able to control.

#375955 - 11/19/11 01:24 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Dexter]
Michael Murphy Offline

Registered: 03/03/11
Posts: 19
Loc: United States
Hey Jacob,

I too feel the same way. I am a survivor of abuse from females in my family. Its normal for people to want to have sex, and normal for people to crave it. I went through a stage in my life that I wanted to take the pain I felt inside and work it out with sex. But listen that is a dangeress game. for one thats hurts no one but you. and you have been hurt enough. I used to pick up female hookers, but females do nothing for me. So I would go to adult book stores ( very bad Idea) enough said there. I can relate aswell with feeling safe. I have no friends other then you all and my wife. Im now on SSDI because I confronted my abuser and lost my mind in doing so- very bad idea for me. Don't put yourself in a problem area where you think you are not safe. Remember you are the only you , you have.

Michael Murphy

#376055 - 11/19/11 06:39 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Michael Murphy]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Jacob, i feel your emotions and thoughts.

I fell in love with my (abuser), i don't like to use that word, in describing him. I have never considered what he had done to me as abuse of any kind.
Along with those strangers. I thought they loved me too.

I genuinely loved him, he became the parent(s) that i never had. I had adopted him when I was 8 years old. I felt that he genuinely loved me too. He has been a huge part of my life for over 60 years. Until recently.

Now, having put him (Ralph)in the proper place in my life, I am better able to lead that young boy named Pete out from the darkness he has been in for 69 years of his life, into the sunshine.

What my "mom" did to me emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually i had always considered as abuse. I had always wished that she was dead.

I have never felt that way for my lover Ralph, right up to this day.

This gay boy/man is finally coming to learn how to live life to it's fullest.
AS I didn't really know me until now.

Wishing you well in healing my fraternal brother, Jacob. Hopefully some day all of us here in MS will receive the peace & serenity in our lives that we so richly deserve. I sure hope so.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.


Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

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