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#373779 - 10/30/11 01:13 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: KMCINVA]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Honestly I think it's a stretch to say "I'd never do X" or "I'd never put up with X." I used to think things like that but it's very easy to get sucked into a situation or allow things to go on that you never thought you would. We are ALL capable of a lot of things, and we are all capable of allowing ourselves to go through more than we should. In my mind, the moment I think I'm too "strong" to let a certain thing happen, that's the moment I'm weakest because I get too confident. @KMC, I think it's understandable that you have allowed certain things to happen with your family. You don't deserve it, but I can see why you would be afraid to let the situation go. Change is scary.


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#373780 - 10/30/11 01:22 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: hopeandtry]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3237
Thank you and I understand what you said. I guess I still see the things I did wrong when I was self abusing and self destructing--I have not done that since I began therapy-I work hard at it--I want my old self back--. I know I am not perfect and things I have done have hurt others. But I remember a family I once knew--the rule in the home was everyone is welcome and if someone is made to feel unwelcome, it will not be this person leaving, but rather the one who made the person feel unwelcome-the only out was to apologize and not let it happen again. A smart woman who knew words and actions can hurt. I have lost sight of that rule and I hope I can live by it as I move forward.


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#373783 - 10/30/11 02:15 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3237
I sometimes think I must have done something to deserve all this-I think that is why I have allowed it to happen. In T I am working on self blame and guilt. I can understand it is not right to happen to others but somehow when I think of myself I think of it differently--I had to do something to deserve it. SO it is hard for me.


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#373784 - 10/30/11 02:56 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: KMCINVA]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 541
Loc: U.S.A.
As far as thinking you have done something to deserve it, of course you think that! Lots of abused children are TOLD bad things are done to them because they are bad, which is a lot of hogwash. The abusers just say that to keep the child malleable and under control.

As far as your family, let me just say, if you quit putting up with the crap and tell them you're leaving until they start behaving, they might wake up and start behaving.

You can always return if you wish, unless the wife goes crazy and pretends she's afraid of you and gets a restraining order.

Have to say, for financial reasons, it's always easier to stay, but you know what they say: You can't buy sanity.

_________________________
Female.

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#373785 - 10/30/11 03:01 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: Disappointed]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
My point was that we are all capable of getting sucked into a bad situation...not that you have already, Disappointed. I was free and clear until a couple years ago, then I ended up in one. I just think it's dangerous to say "I'd never do X" because sometimes it happens faster than we realize it can happen. In any case, everyone has their faults or weaknesses, whether it is being mistreated by others or something else.


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#501318 - 09/05/16 01:38 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: Esposa]
WontGiveUp Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 128
I know this is an old thread - but WOW.... the subject matter is so relevant to me in my current situation with my soon to be ex husband.

He struggles with guilt and shame big time. I also think he feels incredible guilt. All 3 of those things - I dont think he should feel at all. He had no control over what happened to him - but there is no convincing him of that. He will have to understand it one day. And once he is convinced of something, he stands fast on it. There is NO changing his mind. And if he has a choice between a negative and positive - he goes with the negative EVERY SINGLE TIME. It makes me cringe.

My husband - how I love dearly - also thinks he cannot be married, cannot be loved, cannot be those things which are good - like being a strong, happy, loved man in a solid, trusting marriage because of the things mentioned in this topic.

He retreats as soon as he starts feeling good - starts pushing me away, and then projects all that feeling of anger and loss of control on to me. It so confusing because it comes out of the blue sometimes. I work on overdrive to always be upfront with him and I refuse to manipulate him. I have never wanted to be a parent to my partner... and he constantly puts me in that position. He relies on me to make all the big AND little decisions - and then tells me that he feels like he has no control. When I try to get him to participate - by asking him his thoughts, or what he thinks we should do/choose/whatever - then its me controlling him by forcing him to participate.

Dammed if I do - dammed if I dont. He is going to be leaving our home soon, and our life together will be over. I am broken hearted about it - he already seems to have moved on. His focus is on World of Warcraft... not me, not our life, not even on himself... which is the most important thing of all. i am no longer taking the blame of "controlling him" as its not true. I am not longer taking the blame for what happened to him and his unhappiness in life because of it.

When he leaves - all of those same feelings go with him as they have never had anything to do with me.
_________________________
*** rising from the ashes like a phoenix ***

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#501347 - 09/06/16 07:05 AM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: Esposa]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 121
Wontgiveup, you've been so strong for him and your strength seems to shine through even at such a painful time. Much love to you.
Thank you for drawing this thread out again, I hadn't seen it before, it resonates with my situation too. Only difference is because of his total withdrawal and no communication at all, I've drawn my own conclusions by seeing patterns in survivors and loved ones stories here. I'm grateful to so many.
Your post wgu, has helped me see too that I know I didn't cause my survivors pain but maybe at times I triggered him & maybe he's staying away because he can't manage the emotions and confusion I may represent. I think trust, love, guilt & shame seem all part of this for me. But I'm just pulling things together alone & perhaps now I need to see I need to let go too.
But how do you let go of someone you love so deeply are so proud of and see their courage even when they don't believe it?

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#501363 - 09/06/16 02:18 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: Esposa]
WontGiveUp Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 128
HealingHope - I spent a lot of time reading your posts yesterday as it does seem we have some similarities in our situation. Especially with the whole going away for a few months and then coming back stuff.

Thank you for that compliment about strength... honestly - I sure dont FEEL strong. :-) I feel like crumbling into a pile on the floor and crying until I pass out and then never waking up again. But i guess i dont have a choice, its swim or die right?

One thing that I have to repeat to myself ALL the time is this:

I didnt cause it
I cant control it
I cant fix it

As much as I would jump right in, fix all the bad if I could. Man... if only. I would fight like a demon to save him. I wish I could say that he feels the same about me, but I know he doesnt. My soon to be ex is extremely self centered, he doesnt really see outside his bubble. I know that this is a common trait - and is really a self protective mechanism (living with the mentality of a child since he has never grown emotionally from that point in his life - when he was robbed of the chance of growing into an emotionally mature adult by those monsters who abused him). HOWEVER - just because I understand it doesnt take away his VERY REAL responsibility of his own actions.

I get why he does what he does, but I no longer allow it to be an excuse for behavior that harms me. And his constant threats of abandoning me (if he is unhappy for any reason) and his manipulation of me to get what he wants are both examples of behavior that is harmful to me. His emotional neglect and withholding affection is harmful to me. He demands that I provide him with those things (non sexual of course) but doesnt and hasnt returned it to me.

I deeply love this man. With my whole heart. I love who that man is inside - behind this mask that I hate. He is incredible this man, amazing - badass really. That man ignited a love inside me that knows no bounds. And even though he is choosing to walk out of our life, and choosing to hide - I will still love him. It will be a long time before I will be OK after this, but I WILL BE OK....

I will choose to rise up, to not sink, to address the PTSD symptoms I have after 7 years of this living in his hole. Yes - I lived in HIS hole with him, trying to help lift him up, provide a life line and a light in the darkness to help him get out on his own. I will not stay in the dark, stay in the hole anymore. I am surrounding myself with people I love and who love me back. I am addressing my own health issues, trying to make myself physically AND mentally stronger. I am focusing on my career which is starting to really ignite. I will not let the monsters who have consumed him consume me too.

You didnt cause his pain HH. And you cant take it away from him, or fix it for him. All you can do is 1. protect yourself, 2. create boundries and DO NOT DROP them, 3. Love him with your whole heart, but know that you cannot loose yourself in that love.

I know this is rambly and alot of similar stuff I have written before. I suppose I do this not only to reach out to others, but to also vet out my own feelings, and writing it out really helps me to see to the core of what hurts me about all this.

I think maybe I should create a new topic about the effects on me as a spouse.... Thanks HH! You have really got me thinking hard!
_________________________
*** rising from the ashes like a phoenix ***

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#501369 - 09/06/16 05:56 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: Esposa]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 121
"3. Love him with your whole heart, but know that you cannot loose yourself in that love."
I think this is where I lost myself for sure & feel I'm still lost in the love I feel for him.

Thank you for sharing WGU, like you I've found processing out my thoughts in a post seems to shine light in the dark hole I'm stuck in. For me I'm not sure how I let go of someone who I feel so deeply connected to & in a heartbeat I'd be there alongside for, if he shows up again.
You seem to have found the tipping point where it's time, but for me I'm still wrestling with the just where mine is. I'm not there yet... But maybe it's denial again. I just know deep deep in my bones that he's hurting and struggling alone & too stubborn to reach out this time.
Thanks again wgu for helping me process this some more as well.

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#501380 - 09/06/16 07:50 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: Esposa]
WontGiveUp Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 128
Well, for me... my tipping point, my straw that broke my camel's back was when he told me that he only wanted to be married when he was "in a good mood". It was like something in my head just SNAPPED. We had been having a lovely few months, and just the week before he was actually ...well perfect. He was on top of things, loving, kind... all the things I could have wanted from him right now. And when he told me that, it was like I realized to him - I would never be enough. Its like he is always looking for whats better, whats next.

He has always threatened me with leaving. Every time we have a fight, or there is a family crisis - he shuts down, wants to leave. When my first husband died, when my dogs have died, when my mother died... all of it.

I realized that he didnt even SEE me during these times - when I needed him most. It was always all about what he wanted, what he needed.... and I lost myself in meeting those needs and never got to grieve properly.

My mother died 10 months ago, and a month after her death, he was telling me he wanted a divorce. he goes through this same thing every year, around the time his sister committed suicide. So I told him that I didnt believe him, and that we had made promises last time we went through this is that we both agreed, we loved eachother and KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that our future was together. He made me promise -and he promised as well - that we would never e ver make these threats again, that we would always talk to eachother and work through any issues that came up.

A few months later... he broke his own promise. Again.


Soooo back to what broke me.... when he said that he wanted to leave again, that little string that was holding me together snapped. it was like my heart got whiplash and suddenly everything seemed so clear. He has, had and never had intentions to do any work on himself. And also - a new expansion for World of Warcraft was coming out (along with a movie). And WoW is not allowed in our house because of how cruel he was to me with it previously. He has no control with that game, and I told him the LAST time he tried playing "and staying in control of it" that I was done. That he could choose the game or me - but he could not have both anymore since he cannot function in a family when that game is present. So... *I* think that on top of his regular freak out, the movie came out, the expansion came out and now he wants to play.

And my heart snapped when it all came into focus. I would never matter as much as that game (as evidenced by my router logs that show him watching WoW videos and chain smoking all day long - but not doing anything to work on any of his issues). I would never matter as much as what ever he felt at the moment - because thats how he lives, like a little kid who isnt actually in control, but thinks that if they get what they want when they want it - that means they are in control. I would never be a priority while he is on the path he is on. And he doesnt want to get off the path he is on because its "the easy road" to take.

Dont get me wrong, the balance tipped - but the love didnt go away. I still love him. I love him to my core. But I cannot drown in his fear. I do not want to live another year of my life in a situation like the past 7 years have been. If he wanted to truly make a real, consistent and proven change to me - that would be one thing, and I am not looking for perfection - just progress. But I am not worth it to him.

I guess you can say the balance tipped when I no longer believed he loved me or cared for me, and that I would never get my needs met by him since he doesnt care about them. So - even though he said he was leaving, I am letting him. I am not fighting him. I am working on my life with out him. Making plans, visualizing all the things i wanted to do with him - with out him. Its very hard, and its another loss I can mark on my belt in my years of loss. Years of death.

I will be ok. He is leaving and I will be OK. Thats my mantra. sometimes I have to repeat it to myself over and over. Sometimes I feel strong and good about what my life will be. But I do love him, very much. I have given everything that I had to him. There just isnt anything left... nothing was ever given back to replenish me.

The worst part is - just recently, like in the past month, he started changing. Started working out again (which is critical for ADHD and very very good for channeling anger), started doing the things he has promised for years (like cleaning up the yard, cleaning up the deck etc). Had he been following through - I suspect we would not be here now because he would have felt accomplished with himself and I think he would have realized he is truly capable of anything.

HH - I am not saying that things will be easy, but they will be better if you turn that focus in on yourself. As for now, dont look at it as letting go so much as preparing a better, stronger YOU for when the time is right. You cant be good to anyone else if you are not doing what you can to love yourself and be happy in your own life. I dont know what your life is like, but even just getting 20 minutes of walking in a day can change your outlook. Strengthen youself physically will help you strengthen yourself mentally. Pick something, set a goal and DO it - and when you get lost in thinking about your survivor, breath, find your mantra and repeat it. Your mantra has to be about you and your life... Also - get rid of the denial. Dont be scared of whats going on, feel EVERY BIT OF IT. Cry, Scream, hit a pillow, what ever you have to do. You need to make sure that you are living in reality. For me - it helps to tell myself over and over how he has not even bothered to read a single chapter in ANY of the books HE REQUESTED about ADHD, CSA, any of it... in 7 years to make our relationship better. Here I have been killing myself slowly trying to hold him up, and keep us above water and he wasnt doing anything at all to help. And that angers me - and it fuels my mantra. He is leaving, and I AM OK WITH IT.

And just remember - pain is just weakness leaving the body. You are getting stronger every day and you dont even know it.
_________________________
*** rising from the ashes like a phoenix ***

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