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#373704 - 10/29/11 04:16 PM Blame The Spouse Game
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Early on in the process of healing, I know denial is normal. But is blaming your spouse normal?

#373707 - 10/29/11 04:55 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: Esposa]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
Him blaming you? Yeah, I'd say that's normal. Don't accept the blame, but yeah it happens. Happened to me, but when he was in his "right mind" he would admit it wasn't my fault, that I'd treated him well, etc. When not in his right mind, he'd blame me, withdraw, push me away, get defensive, whatever.

#373709 - 10/29/11 05:09 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: Esposa]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
I think they like to blame us for everything so they don't have to look at their own stuff. I find myself doing this too. It is also much easier to blame someone so you have an excuse to not feel the shame of what you have done..addictions, acting out, lying etc. The truth is, at least in my case, my spouse was obviously suffering and hurting way before he met me. His acting out and unhappiness started WAY before me...

#373718 - 10/29/11 06:26 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: lucylives]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
I think what lucy said is key...we do this, too, like it or not. I know I have blamed my ex or other people for things so I could avoid looking at my stuff. I am in SANON and the whole point is to quit trying to fix our partners and instead look at our own selves. You can't fix him, but you can fix your own "stuff." Once you start owning your own stuff, he may start owning his. Then again, he may not, but what's important is that YOU are taking care of your own self. If he chooses to blame, you will learn not to accept the blame (except for things you really did do wrong, which I've had to learn to do).

Edited by hopeandtry (10/29/11 06:27 PM)

#373723 - 10/29/11 08:31 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: hopeandtry]
mmfan Offline

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
In my survivor's case, when he experiences negative feelings from his past, I'm the closest object in his environment, so he thinks I must be causing them. It's hard for him to separate past from present and place the feelings in the context where they belong.

One example- because I'm a close woman in his life, he sometimes "forgets" that I'm me and sees his mother (one of his many abusers). It could be something as small as a word or mannerism, or something he can't even name. All he knows is he starts feeling scared, manipulated, or controlled, and he pushes me away as fast and as forcefully as possible -which makes sense, as he's reacting to (what he sees as) a threat.

I know he's reacting to a person and situation from the past rather than me, but its still hard not to take it personally, as his ways of pushing me away are very effective- harsh words and tone of voice, shouting, wild accusations, attacks on my character, etc. It feels like all my effort and care is wasted at times, and he's not even "seeing" me. It hurts, given how much I care about him, and how hard I try to help him feel safe.

At some point he recognizes that it wasn't my fault and apologizes, and I know at times (following some of his worst outbursts) he has felt extremely guilty for how he's lashed out at me.

It might be a bit different for us because we aren't romantically involved (thankfully). If we were, I know he'd have a harder time separating his "stuff" and I'd probably become a constant trigger/threat/object of blame.

#373747 - 10/30/11 05:15 AM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: mmfan]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
What MMFAN says is true.
We lash out at the ones we love because they remind us of things in the past, or moan about things we are doing in the present, things we feel helpless to control at this point.

What I find worse is that we then feel guilty, so now, we have added problems, (like we don't have enough).

I sometimes feel that I would be better of alone because I would not have the added guilt.
I then feel bad for thinking that I would be better of alone, and so the cycle continues.
Healing happens in fits and starts and we don't know what is going to happen next, even for someone that works hard at the healing. I feel good for weeks and then all of a sudden I start to withdraw, and become very distant. I don't even know I am doing it. My wife then points this out, and I get angry because I think that I am doing well. We then have weeks of fights and anger, and threats of divorce etc.

It sucks, big time.
This is tough on us, I can only begin to imagine what it does to the ladies in our lives.

You girls hang tough, and remember those boundaries,don't let us cross them.


Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#373759 - 10/30/11 01:20 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: whome]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3790
I think it is great that the supporters stand by to support the survivor. I also believe the supporters need to be treated with respect because what they are dealing with is extremely difficult and painful. The survivor does hurt and may lash out--but must maintain boundaries.

I envy those who have their family to support. As you know I had buried the memories of my CSA so deep I thought I would take to the grave. But new wounds of new torment and abuse in the home opened the old wounds (as my T says the 4 decades of poison that built in those wounds was destroying me and were lethal to me once released) opened and I began to self abuse and self destruct--loosing time and these actions hurt others. I am sorry for that hurt and I am working to heal and recover memories. I live in an environment were the torment continues and I try to hold to the boundaries but sometimes push beyond. But my family seems to have no boundaries, they can attack and accuse at will--still seeing no wrong in what they did in the home to me. Hopeandtry I admire your courage to admit things you may have done wrong and you stand there to support. Kudos to you and all the other supporters.

Edited by KMCINVA (10/30/11 05:04 PM)

#373773 - 10/30/11 04:28 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: KMCINVA]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
"I sometimes feel that I would be better of alone because I would not have the added guilt."

@Martin, I feel that is why my ex pushed me away. He couldn't handle the added guilt (whether or not I did something to guilt trip him or just me being around reminded him that he feels inadequate). Even me apologizing for what I've done wrong probably triggers him sometimes because he just feels worse that I stood by him and am willing to apologize (that's just my guess...I don't know for sure).

@KMCINVA, thanks for the words of encouragement. I can't really support him anymore because things are over, but it is true that I tried to support him before AND admit things I had done wrong. It was hard to find a balance...I wanted to admit my wrongs but I didn't want to overly blame myself. I still struggle with that.

#373775 - 10/30/11 04:35 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: KMCINVA]
Disappointed Offline

Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 542
Loc: U.S.A.

I've read many of your posts. Honestly, if your family is as vicious as you describe them, I'd be moving out. They don't have boundaries?! They don't have decency!

I'd never put up with the crap you have.



#373778 - 10/30/11 05:08 PM Re: Blame The Spouse Game [Re: Disappointed]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3790
I do believe the feelings are compounded CSA and when one feels tension, pain and hurt it is hard. Also hard to leave behind so many years, things were good for many years. So I hold onto the past and hope everyone will heal in the family. Am I fooling myself I do not know. I know it seems vicious but when people do these things, sometimes they do not realize the impact and how it is felt by the receiver. I never expected this in my life but need to heal and hopefully I can show I can be the person I once was--no longer emotionally aloof, detached and feeling worthless. I am working on it. My T is concerned about re traumatizing myself.

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