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#373671 - 10/29/11 03:16 AM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: Disappointed]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 753
Loc: VA
Lucylives: I agree with the observations above that comparing abuse stories is misleading. "Trauma" is the effect something has on somebody, so you have to look at not only the facts and circumstances of what happened but also the internal makeup of the person they happen to. Like another poster above, I can vouch that one incident is enough to cause distress for a lifetime, for some of us.

As for whether he finds you attractive, etc., I can't be much help there! ;^}

#373685 - 10/29/11 11:53 AM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: unhappycamper]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: durham, north england
As the chaps here have said, abuse isn't really a thing that goes by degrees, neither does it necessarily have to be the sa.

in my own case sinse my abuse was wrapped up with severe and extreme bullying, it's sometimes hard to separate out the actual sa from the violence, name calling and generalized humiliation that was happening at the time. Or to say precisely when things happened sinse it was something of a slippery slope from when i was 12 to 15.

Just one question though Lucylives, if your husband were fine, why would you be on this site? The fact that your here asking about this seems to indicate to me that there is something going wrong betwene you, and if your husband mentioned experiencing any! degree of Sa that would be a pretty good indicator, even if it weren't for you recognizing some of the behaviours of survivers mentioned here. It would afterall be pretty unlikely for someone to seak out this site and post about their significant other without some pretty good reason to.

#373687 - 10/29/11 12:05 PM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: lucylives]
ANDREW63 Offline

Registered: 08/27/11
Posts: 164
Loc: Australia
Hi Lucylives, we all seem to deal with our CSA differently for years i have tried to live with the denial about being raped by my grandfather over a period of 3 years (denial doesn't work),but i now know with the help that i have recieved through therapy and through posting here that it has had an impact on my relationships ,i was in a relationship for ten years but still couldn't bring myself to commit to marriage and children ,please take time to work things out ,wishing you all the best ,Andrew

LOOK AT ME NOW I AM A SURVIVOR !My inner child and I are now doing this together !

#373689 - 10/29/11 12:23 PM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Thanks for all the responses. I am not by any means downplaying what happened to him. It was horrendous. All I was trying to get at is is it possible that he has NO triggers, NO disgust, NO shame and none of the other issues survivors have during sexual relations because it was only a couple of times? He says he has no triggers or bad feelings during sex. Is that possible? If so why all the issues with sex. Of course, with prostitutes and anonymous sex, he has no issues. What is this about? I can see the anxiety. I see his reluctance to have relations unless it is his idea. When I "put the moves on him" he is instantly frustrated and stressed. Could all this be due to the abuse?

#373691 - 10/29/11 12:35 PM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
The issue being delayed ejaculation. I am pretty sure it is due to triggers during sex and shame and all the other stuff. He says he doesn't know what it is but it isn't that, so he says. I don't believe him. He has a hard time staying focused during sex.
As for the acting out, he is now in recovery. The things he did with them was reenacting. No problem with ejaculation then.

Could it be something else or does it sound like it was due to the abuse?

Also, I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with me. I am in my 40s, attractive enough still that men look at me walking down the street. Not in my 20's anymore, for sure but still in pretty good shape and I thoroughly still enjoy sex. It is FUN for me and I feel it isn't for him.

And don't worry, he is in a 12 step program, has a therapist, sponsor and everythiing else. I could never forgive him for these things if it didn't come from a place of such woundedness and YES I am in therapy and 12 step programs too.

Any ideas of what else it could possibly be or is he just in denial about the impact it has had on him?

#373726 - 10/30/11 12:36 AM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: lucylives]
mmfan Offline

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
I think a survivor who states they weren't affected by the abuse, whether it was once or many times, is minimizing/in denial. Its a coping technique to try to keep the gaping abyss closed, like if they don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist.

#373762 - 10/30/11 02:26 PM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: mmfan]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
It would seem that he is in denial phase right now. I strongly believe that what happened to him is the cause of any sex problems he is having. As several others have stated, CSA or any trauma, including ASA only needs to happen the one time to ruin a life, often for a lifetime.

The thing is, when you see a doctor about a physical ailment, often doctors don't even think about or are afraid to ask about abuse of any sort even if it is a chronic complaint for the patient. Until doctors start questioning for abuse, many will not get needed treatment in as timely a manner as they otherwise would have.

I used prostitutes for a year or more to prove to myself that yes, I am a male. By that time, I had burried everything dealing with the abuse I suffered way back in my brain, never to be seen again. Eventually, it will usually come back in some way or ways.At the time I didn't even know there was an underlying cause or care about using hookers.

When you "put the moves" on him, he sees it as a loss of control in his life. Another symptom of CSA. Sexually abused children had no control over their abuser, now they often feel a strong need to be in control of everything.

Maybe it's time to have a chat with him about your needs and wants. Maybe you guys could come to a crompromise which will require give and take on both sides. I order to help him, you HAVE to look after yourself.

Looking back my CSA explains many of the problems I had ever since it happened. I didn't put 2 & 2 together until I admitted to myself that I was abused.

Hope this helps.

I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


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