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#373614 - 10/28/11 03:48 PM Yet more questions for survivors.....
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Hello all,

Being that my husband is very reluctant to discuss these things, can I ask you all for input? Wives chime in too, please.

As I have read all your posts, my husband sure fits all the patterns ie lack of trust, sexual issues, acting out, very closed off. I think sex triggers him but he says it doesn't. Well then why all the issues with it?

He says he was abused 2 times in a week by 2 older men....can 2 times be the cause of all these intimacy issues? It seems most men on here have all years of ongoing abuse. My husband had 2 incidents as an older teenager. I am not downplaying what happened to him. It would surely screw with your head but can it really be just an hour that has f^&$ed him up in so many areas? Also, he says he doesn't know what his problems are sexually but he says it isn't triggers, fear, disgust, control issues or all the other things I have read on here posted by survivors. All the things you all say on here appear to make sense by what I see in him but he denies all that. Is it possible he is the only survivor that doesn't experience any of those triggers, shame disgust etc when it comes to sex because it was not ongoing sexual abuse and if he is the only one not experiencing thesre emotions, then what the heck is going on here?

Please help....If it isn't any of these things then it must be personal.

#373616 - 10/28/11 04:03 PM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: lucylives]
Disappointed Offline

Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 542
Loc: U.S.A.
Sounds like denial. If he can just ignore it, it's not a problem.


#373617 - 10/28/11 04:19 PM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: Disappointed]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
Once is enough.


Do not get wrapped up into comparing one story vs another....He has issues surrounding the abuse, then it was "enough" right?

All abuse has its challenges...the sexual side of the abuse I endured was not long term, but had a huge impact on my whole being, and life.


#373624 - 10/28/11 05:24 PM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: Castle]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I cant tell you because my abuse carried on for 11 or 12 years, but from what I read once is enough to cause severe problems.
So it is not the severity of the abuse but the effect on the mind of the victim.
The effects can be from addiction to DID, or all of the above, so don't compare just love and support


Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#373629 - 10/28/11 06:18 PM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
I guess I didn't word my questions properly. I guess what I want to know is that becvause it was 2 times instead of many many times, is it possible that he doesn't have the triggers, shame disgust and all the other things that make intimacy and sex difficult. he says he doesn't. If he doesn't, than his sexual issues may be about me??? And he isn't attracted to me??

#373631 - 10/28/11 06:35 PM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: whome]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
I was abused weekly for about 3 months as a young teen. Personally, I felt the shame, embarassment, humiliation etc. immediatly the first time the abuse occured, indeed while I was being abused. Everybody is their own own person; we process things differently, we have different feelings over the abuse, we have different ways of coping with any type of trauma.

In fact, I've even heard and read that males and females have different ways of processing CSA and indeed any type of trauma. That's why it is important to get a therapist trained in treating male survivors.

If his abuse is affecting you husband's life, which it definately seems to have, it was obviously enough to make him a victim of CSA. It only takes once to screw up a life, often-times for a lifetime.

What I would recommend, is that you try to get him to a therapist trained in or highly experienced in working with CSA adult victims a soon as possible. DO NOT FORCE HIM. Also, reenforce on him every time you get a chance that in no way was he responsible for what happened to him. He IS A SURVIVOR, period. You may also try to mention this site to him. He will also see that he is NOT alone.

I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#373642 - 10/28/11 10:10 PM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: Sailor John]
earlybird Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 1007

For me the rape was once, forty years ago November and it has had a powerful impact on my and my wifeís life. It seems as if each person is different in how they process an event as horrific as sexual assault/abuse. Each of us, I believe, have our areas where we clearly see the damaging effects and each of us have dangerous blind spots that often times others see but donít understand.

None of us can precisely answer if the issues you are describing are, in your husbandís case, due to the abuse/assault but what is evident is often negative sexual issues and struggles are a direct result of sexual abuse or rape Ė no matter the quantity. Maybe if you will try thinking of the assault to your husband as a bullet to the chest. How many slugs does it take to cause long term damage? In my case one.

Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

#373646 - 10/28/11 11:18 PM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: earlybird]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
It is quite possible that he's in denial. As for the number of times and the effects it me, once or twice is enough to do serious damage.

#373650 - 10/28/11 11:58 PM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: hopeandtry]
Tyler845 Offline

Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
I'm sorry everyone. I meant to post this on another thread. my apologies"

Edited by Tyler845 (10/29/11 01:45 AM)
Edit Reason: posted in the wrong forum.
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

#373652 - 10/29/11 12:25 AM Re: Yet more questions for survivors..... [Re: Tyler845]
Disappointed Offline

Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 542
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Tyler845,

I hear what you are saying, that we shouldn't selfishly barge in. But I have a problem with that.

He selfishly makes demands. So it's a one-way street.

Well, that gets old.



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