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#373660 - 10/29/11 01:29 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: lucylives]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
I find sex to be the trickiest thing for ME to address. He told me about the porn addiction first. I was afraid that things that we do sexually were going to make him think of porn when he wanted to be free of porn, but to stop having sex didn't seem like a reasonable solution (and we didn't). When he told me about the sex abuse, I was really petrified. I let him take the lead. Nothing changed for us sexually (that I could tell). When I found out about the affairs. Everything changed for ME. Sex triggers ME. I can't have sex with this man that I LOVED having sex with, without the 4 women that I know about in bed (and in my head!) with us. I will say this, we never stopped having sex though. It makes me believe that if he is triggered by it, I would never know unless he wanted me to because I (who is not experienced in disassociating and deception) am doing it and most of the time he doesn't know I am wondering if he did this with her (or her, or her, or her).

I maintain that sex addictions and food addictions have to be the worst addictions. You can't live without eating--you can live without sex but most people are hard-wired to want it at least occasionally.

Wife of a survivor

#373669 - 10/29/11 03:02 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
For some reason, I have been able to let go of the affair. I have no idea why but it doesn't really even cross my mind anymore (been 5 months). It is just so absolutely ridiculous to me - and our therapist was quick to point out that affairs hurt everyone, but they hurt the person who has the affair the most - he called it self-castration. And for some reason, I have been able to use that to realize that it is not about me in any way shape or form.

#373695 - 10/29/11 01:37 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Esposa]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
I wondered if he acted out on me as well.

#373729 - 10/30/11 01:01 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Justscott wrote....Sex is triggering for a sex abuse survivor...

My question is is that ALWAYS true for all survivors and that is why the sexual issues and dysfunction? Is shame ALWAYS involved with sex for them and thus the dysfunction and lack of interest????

Are there any "always" with survivors? There seems to be so many parallels with the spouses/significant others? Is there anything/actons/dysfunction you can "always" know is tru3e of survivors?

I hope this mkes sense?

#373732 - 10/30/11 01:37 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: lucylives]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 754
Loc: VA
The only "shame" issue I have with sex is that, at age 59, things ain't quite as reliable as they were in my younger days. (BTW, been married 28 years & have two 20-something kids). For me, the CSA "shame game" doesn't have to do with sex per se, it's more a general mood of contamination or damage, unreality or (for lack of a better term) unworthiness, that hits once in a while.


#373733 - 10/30/11 02:01 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: unhappycamper]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Thanks unhappy cmper. did you ever have issues with sex with your wife?

#373734 - 10/30/11 02:02 AM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Hope that isn't too personal, unhappy......

#373862 - 10/31/11 01:29 PM Re: SURVIVORS: Sex Question [Re: Esposa]
1227ms Offline

Registered: 12/01/10
Posts: 98
Loc: PA
I don't know if this helps but here is my perspective.
Prior to starting my healing and disclosing my abuse I always equated sex with love and acceptance. I have learned that it was because during my childhood that is what I learned. Sex equals love and caring. Now I view sex differently. Sex should be something healthy and fun which is an enhancement of a loving relationship. Now I can choose to have sex if I feel a closeness, caring and desire. I don't have to. It took me almost a tear after I started my healing to get to this place. Please don't try and project where I am on your partner because we all are on a different journey on different schedules. I just wanted to offer my perspective. If you have questions feel free to ask.

´┐ŻEverything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.´┐Ż
Hermann Hesse

Hope Springs alumnus 2011

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