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#373423 - 10/26/11 06:19 PM Just mad today
Anniemy4sons Offline

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
I'm currently waiting for results from a polygraph my H took yesterday. He is a survivor AND a sex addict. Just recently he disclosed his behavior over the last 23 years. Everything from porn, strip clubs, affairs, strippers to prostitutes. During the early part of our marriage he was completely out of control. His disclosures happened over the last 7 weeks. I told him over and over that I need everything. Stop dragging this out. It was more and more painful to hear it a little at a time. I have PTSD. I've been victimized again and again. During his disclosure I found out about the CSA. I feel like his perpetrator has been running our lives for 30+ years. But my H still holds the true responsibility for this. HE CHOSE to act out.

So many men on this site do not/did not behave the way he did. Blaming CSA is a cop-out. He even lied about having anal sex and said to me in an angry voice "I WOULD NEVER HAVE ANAL SEX!! MY ABUSER RAPED ME! ANAL SEX IS THE LAST THING I WOULD EVER DO!"
I felt awful! Like a monster!.
Turns out he was lying. The fact that he would use his CSA as an excuse or leverage against me is horrible.! Shows the level of his sickness.

I'm crazy angry today because I got my test results back for the STI he gave me, HPV (Genital Warts). is low risk. So for now I'm in the clear for Cervical Cancer.
I'm crazy angry because it was even necessary for me to be tested! I have never lived my life that way. He brought these STDs and STIs into our home. He had a genital wart in his mouth which he had removed. Mine are on my vaginal area. the opening and outside. A VERY sensitive area. I will eventually have a plastic surgeon remove them (they can return!) but until then, I bear the physical reminder of his many infidelities. HE says he feels bad etc. SO WHAT! His word means crap. I'm ruined, I feel ruined, he has treated me like a piece of garbage. Now I'm beginning to feel like a piece of diseased garbage.
I've always had a pretty high opinion of myself. I'm a spiritual person, kind, beautiful on the inside and out. I'm good to people and expect the same in return. I'm a good wife and mother.

I can't stop asking myself the question, "Why???"

God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day.


#373426 - 10/26/11 07:08 PM Re: Just mad today [Re: Anniemy4sons]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
I also got HPV from my ex, and it caused abnormal cells so I had to have a colposcopy. It wasn't bad enough to be treated and it eventually got better, but I know how you feel. The HPV itself I wasn't SO mad about (I chose to sleep with him and anyone who has had more than one sex partner pretty much is at risk for HPV), BUT I felt so degraded because he ditched me and there I was left with NOTHING but some disease he gave me that could have given me cancer or left me infertile (if it had to be treated). It's a terrible feeling.

My ex also did the denial thing. He would treat me great one minute then the next demonize me and lie or whatever. It was a cover-up so he didn't feel so bad about the CSA. I honestly have less anger about that now than I used to, but it is hard.

I feel you have gotten it worse than I have. I am lucky I didn't end up with warts...honestly I'm not sure that I wasn't exposed to them but from what I hear they have to actually be present to spread or give you the virus...not sure. I haven't had any show up, though. What freaks me out is that my ex took all the STD stuff kind of casually. He would say things like "Oh if you got tested and you are clear then I am clear by default." Um...NO!! You can have sex with someone multiple times before catching an STD, but he would minimize the risk.

I know how it feels to feel like a piece of garbage. You aren't a piece of garbage but I wanted to say that I know how you feel. I am so very sorry that this has happened to you.

#373427 - 10/26/11 07:20 PM Re: Just mad today [Re: Anniemy4sons]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
Dear Annie,
My heart breaks for you and I totally get your anger. It's an emotion that I am in touch with right now. I am sorry your husband has given you not only emotional but physical reminders of his infidelity. You deserve to feel mad.

Both you and your H need lots of help and it's out there. Again I am sorry for your loss. It sucks to have your life as you knew it taken away in a blink of an eye.

I am learning to deal with my new life. It's not easy and I am sad, mad and really really angry. Let me tell you there are more men out there that do it stuff then you realize. For example many of my husbands friends and they are not ALL victims of CSA. They are men who want what they want.

My lesson is if your husband hangs out with a bunch of scum bags he is a scum bag himself. My husband found friends who would agree with his lifestyle. Now with the exception of 1 he said they didn't know what he was doing and it doesn't really matter at this point. I need to live my life and they can live theirs but what I am saying is there are a whole lot of wives who don't know what their husbands are up to.

Eventually you won't be so angry, not sure when but eventually. I think it might also help if you find a support group for yourself. You need someone who understands what you are going through. Someone who can hug you.

Take care and you are in my prayers.

#373429 - 10/26/11 08:04 PM Re: Just mad today [Re: Gretta]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Annie

I am so sorry that you are going through this.
We could go into long words explaining why the husband has done this, but it is not about that.
All I want to say Is sorry that you are experiencing such pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time.
I pray that you are looking after yourself.

God Speed

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog


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