I watched this tonite as i was trying to complete work that can never seem to be completed.
There are major triggers, but please watch, dont be afraid or think you cant handle it. Just try and breath when you feel the emotion. Just dont go instantly to THAT place cuz you do have a split second. Maybe it feels like warmth, or flushed or angry or afraid or tingling or alone. Know that its just your body going intantly to the feelings of when the csa started cuz thats what it knows.
But if you feel that, start to breath , be aware of the light in the room, the smell in your nostrils and the colors your eyes see when you calmly close your eyes. ok you are ready. You dont have to go down the path of anxiety and panic and terror, you can be in control now.http://www.cbc.ca/video/#/News/1221258968/ID=2158072156
I write this through tears as i watched it, i know what they went thru. A fridge full of cold soda, a pool table and a motor bike, a camper full of beer and cards and a place to escape. Later pot and more beer, and more camping and just more. I dont even know sometimes where it even wasnt just normal. But its the secrets, the fucking damn secrets. I remember my mother telling her sister on the phone "he likes boys, well not like that" i didnt even know what she meant as i was likely on my way there for the countless time. Some of them bravely had the nerve to tell. I never did. And some that told were listened to and some were beaten in a response i can only label unconscionable. Maybe thats why, i dont know , the fear that you are to blame just as much. How fucked up is that. I was 11 just like those kids. some of you were even younger and some older. What choice did we have.
This is the link:http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/story/2011/10/20/scouts-turley-pedophile-list.html
It affected both AMERICAN and CANADIAN kids cuz of the secrets. Please if you havent told , you have to tell someone. You are afraid, and i lived that for 40 fucking years, you dont have to. Its not the same now, people will listen. What i was left with was the american lawyer when asked why he still does it with all the money he has made from legal action. He just wiped away the tears and said " it feels like if I dont know one will". I know we can never be what we would have, but it does not have to be in vain. Secrets means the CSA wins. We have to win. Its time!
Its ironic , my name means great or large. But when i go back there in my head i feel so small. I go to the gym to pump myself up - i see that now. Some eat to get large to build a wall, some loud and boisterous and bragging well beyond their capability and station, some will barely disturb the air for breath. Some exceed beyond their wildest dreams but always afraid that they will be exposed for what a fraud they are, that voice of the self damnation always talking in their head and playing on the insecurities. When we withold the truth about it, and never let anyone in, no one can really take our side. Cuz we only show them the falsely confident achiever, the pleaser or the guy that is angry and just wants to be left the fuck alone. We are not great or large, but we are also not small and insigificant - incapable or unworthy of caring and love, we are just men.