I'm having a hard time right now.
The man I love is leaving to join the army. (I'm homosexual, he's not, so I can't exactly go with him into the army, and you have no IDEA how complicated things get, but we both love each other very much.) I am proud of him for wanting to serve his country, and for taking a brave step (he wants to be a sniper).
But I'm struggling to let go. Oh, I'm not giving up on him. This guy's one in a billion and I want him in my life no matter what.
But... See, it's hard for me to believe that if I let him go w/ no strings attached, which I know is the right thing to do... that he won't forget about me, that he won't stop loving me. I'm scared of a hundred things, like that being around all that macho BS will make him not want a friend who's so broken, beat up, and homosexual. I'm afraid that he'll despise me for being weak when the army helps him become stronger.
And I'm afraid for myself. It feels like I'm never going to have someone else love me for who I am without either demanding sex (from the homosexual community) or demanding that I not be myself (from my Christian community). That was what made my friend so incredibly dear to me.
I'm also very grateful for you guys. 'Cause if I didn't come here, even just to read and pray for people, then I wouldn't know that I'm not the only one who feels insecure about all his relationships, who struggles w/ either sexualizing things or trying to keep them at arms length.
I let my friend in, and it terrified me. And he proved that he was worth that effort. Now he's leaving for 5 years.
I'm just... I don't know. I mean I'll be all right. It's just hard right now and I needed somewhere to say that. Thanks.
Life is worth living.
'Cause of legal issues and the fact i'm still trying to get better, I don't PM or chat w/ minors.