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#372436 - 10/15/11 06:18 AM Re: Can I ask a difficult question? [Re: Dan99]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Shaun

I'm looking to understand better what you *did* learn from that sexual encounter. Worth it / not worth it? Did you learn something or did it just leave you feeling guilty and angry?

All I learn't is A: that I am more dysfunctional than I anticipated.
B: The shame and disgust were immense.
C: That having sex with another person would not make me feel like more of a man or more in control or more powerful.

Although I had thought about how I would dominate and control those people, and command them to do this or that, the actual act never came anywhere near that.

As I said, all it left me was sorrow, guilt, shame, and embarrassment. It also left me with a profound feeling of being different and definitely not fitting in with the "normal" man thing.

I did however learn that I was, and never would be a monster, a dominatrix and someone who would physically force someone to do what they did not want to do. I also Learnt that I was definitely not a homosexual.

So I suppose that a lesson was learn't.
As they say, All things happen for good.

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#372450 - 10/15/11 01:46 PM Re: Can I ask a difficult question? [Re: whome]
Shaun The Sheep Offline

Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
These are wonderful responses, guys - thank you so much for sharing.

I want to reiterate and reassure you that I have no intention of acting out. I know from what some of the responses have been that some of you were concerned. I appreciate your concern, you're asking for a good reason, but I can assure you that I have no intention of acting out either with porn or a sexual encounter.

The point of this thread was 'to ask a difficult question.' Because of the mental garbage of this week, I realized that under the right circumstances acting out would look attractive and that really bothered me. I'm aware of what acting out would do, I know what damage it would do to me so I wanted to hear from the rest of you about what acting out did for you. I suspected from the first that your responses would be what they were but I wanted to leave myself open to hear it from you.

Based on what Anthony39, George, Dan99 and Whome have shared - I found the answer I was looking for. More than just saying "It wasn't worth it", you provided the information I was looking for and it provides some great perspective on what my head is telling me.

All that being said - thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing. That took guts ... I really appreciate it. Thank you for your concern. I appreciate that, too.


#372842 - 10/19/11 10:00 PM Re: Can I ask a difficult question? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Shaun The Sheep Offline

Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
I had a private conversation with another MS member on this topic. I found what he said very helpful but I wanted to throw this idea out to you and get your thoughts ...

As far as acting out - there always seems to be a component of acting out that makes it appear 'empowering', if that's the right word. Afterward, you feel degraded. Why would you feel do differently before and/or after acting out? Besides learning the hard way, how can you break that cycle of escalation?

Thanks in advance for sharing with me.


#372863 - 10/20/11 03:16 AM Re: Can I ask a difficult question? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA

There were, as you said, some very good things that the guys shared with you and with me too. I too have often wondered if acting on those impulses would be good or bad for me.

I have never acted out on those thoughts and feelings. Like you haven't. I learned that I needed to honor my minds thoughts about it and listen to what it was trying to do for me. As Driftwood mentioned, I too have said to myself, "what do I need to learn from this." And I accepted the thoughts as just thoughts and that I didn't need to try to stifle, but to acknowledge that they were present, and they seemed to not affect me as much.

I have always wondered if I were gay or bi, and also have SSA, so I would always be terrified by the thoughts. After I acknowledged them, they no longer had the negative affect on me. So, I have never had to feel like I had to act on them, but understand others need at the time to do it. I don't think I ever will act on those thoughts either.

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with thoughts and feelings, but that is my take on it. The thoughts expressed in this thread have helped me to re-affirm my stance on this subject and I thank you for your bravery in asking the question. I wish you success on your road to recovery.

I was married for 23 years and have 4 great children, and acting out wouldn't have done anything positive for my situation either. The SSA, having sexual identity worries, having sexual difficulty, and the like, didn't make things easy for me. I came to the conclusion that it simply wouldn't be a positive thing to act out.



If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

#372899 - 10/20/11 02:51 PM Re: Can I ask a difficult question? [Re: pbert53]
Shaun The Sheep Offline

Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
I understand - I'm just surprised at the ... cognitive dissonance (if that's the right phrase) that takes place before and after acting out. Like, I know that this would be bad for me. I know that I will hate myself. I know that this is a function of my CSA and that it's ultimately self-destructive and whatever value I think it holds will immediately dissapate following the acting out. SO WHY DOES MY HEAD WANT THIS SO BADLY.

mad It's a total cop-out ... somehow I want something damaging and I know I will hate myself for giving in to that want but my head can't accept that the want is actually a bad thing and I have to consciously and repeatedly remind myself that this is something I really don't want. It's so frustrating to live inside a body that actively seeks its own destruction.

So my main purpose with all of this is to defuse the bomb and validate within myself that acting out has never led people to better places. I still would like to understand why acting out seems empowering before and degrading afterward. Maybe, just maybe live without having to go through all of this mental garbage.


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