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#372194 - 10/12/11 07:29 AM National coming out day - Oct 11
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
Today is the day that is pretty self explanatory, yet almost makes me laugh. The irony is this is the same exact day a year ago that i finally had the courage to stop lying. I told about the CSA and I told about my fucking confusion at exactly who i was/are/am.

Sometimes i wonder if it was courage or if i was just done. With the lies, the hating myself so much, the deception of all things to all people - mostly myself.

It was the first time I said it has to stop, the swirling toilet bowl that was my life. I can't believe its a year, a year of hell and of deep anguish. And then hope and slow small steps and then sleep. Being able to sleep at night without the night terrors. The final realization that I am who i was meant to be at this moment. There were so many things that allowed me to move forward when i dreaded i would be stuck in a place of soul crushing blackness forever.

Mostly it was the knowledge i really did want the best for my family - that somehow i had to find a way. 5 T's, a pyschatrist, MS group, Addiction group, body work, mindful yoga, Several books and web sites, workbooks, tools real tools. The real clincher was the WoR, watching men so puckered with apprehension and fear of themselves and others - change b4 my eyes. Knowing that all of us are NOT alone, we have so many unique but really consistently fucked up results of the CSA. Its like you can pick from columns. Oh this happened, well then , this is the fallout. We are not as bad as we think we are and that is the true message. We can be us, it will be ok. We can find the way to free the little boy inside and hear him. His voice and intuition has the clarity of a morning bell if we can drown out the noise and the constrictions that silence him.

I love going to my MS group and some of the men from the WoR will always be my brothers. I am held up by their kindness, comradary, compassion and the shared language that allows us to cut thru the BS. How crazy lucky is that. Honesty. its beyond cool. Its the light that allows me to finally start to see my true reflection in the mirror. Not the image of dorian gray i had become.

I would love to see a national day that would allow us to talk about our csa and how it affected us. What a legacy that would be to leave those that are tragically experiencing it as we breath. We can all help each other see that we can all really help ourselves. They shouldn't have to live in the dread silence the abuser's bell jar encased us in. Fuck national dog, compost appreciation, cracker jacks or navel gazing week. Lets get real. Why is this the last barracade?

The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

#372215 - 10/12/11 03:11 PM Re: National coming out day - Oct 11 [Re: 1lifenow]
h.beat,h.break Offline

Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
I remember my "coming out" very well. It seems like it happened 10 years ago, but it took place in 2008. I had a seizure watching gay porn and my mother was the one who took me to the hospital. When I came to, she was livid and expressed her disgust in me and also mentioned that she told Sean (The Rapist) and Andre (The Douchebag), my brothers.

That day I told myself, "Well, I have nothing else to lose so I might as well tell Jason and Keisha." At that time, I had know Jason for 8 years and his wife for 5 and they were the most supportive people in my life when it came to dealing with my (to my knowledge then) emotionally and physically abusive family. I told Jason about how my family thinks I'm gay and he laughed and asked me, "Are you serious?!" And I replied, "Yeah... and they're right." He sort of stumbled to find words and I told him about the seizure and what my mom had said to me. I was also really confused about my sexuality too so I told Jason that "I just don't know who I am and I'm tired of searching." And out of the blue, seemingly, he asked me one question that open up some very heavy iron doors; "Were you ever sexually abused?" I didn't know what to say, but I had only told him about my cousin Nicole and the times it had happened. He let me know that sexual confusion is common among men with histories of sexual abuse. I didn't even consider what happened between me and Nicole abuse. But that day, I told my family about the abuse and about my frustrations in myself as a person. This didn't help tie the family together or anything but it lifted a HUGE weight off my shoulders. Now I was able to move forward in finding the real Stephen A. Jeter smile

So, 3 years later, after therapy, MS smile and several self-help books (including Introvert Power that lfp put me on to smile ) I have come to appreciate the person that I have become. I am so proud of who I am and it feels so natural for me to be this way. I assumed that homosexuality was caused by outside stimuli or trauma, but then I thought to myself about why I like the color blue? Was this attributed to some sort of conscious or unconscious image I had as a child? Or could it be that I just like the damn color? My family has no knowledge of my sexual preference, but if they ask, I'll tell them. So far, they haven't asked and I don't expect them to. I love to look back and see where I came from all those years ago because they help me see the strength I always had in myself. Things can only get better and brighter from this point on.

Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

#372222 - 10/12/11 07:39 PM Re: National coming out day - Oct 11 [Re: h.beat,h.break]
mrwhiskers Offline

Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 193

Hugs smile

"Dont be scared... angels r here" Maria Fernanda (Mafer)


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