Today is the day that is pretty self explanatory, yet almost makes me laugh. The irony is this is the same exact day a year ago that i finally had the courage to stop lying. I told about the CSA and I told about my fucking confusion at exactly who i was/are/am.
Sometimes i wonder if it was courage or if i was just done. With the lies, the hating myself so much, the deception of all things to all people - mostly myself. http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/national-coming-out-day
It was the first time I said it has to stop, the swirling toilet bowl that was my life. I can't believe its a year, a year of hell and of deep anguish. And then hope and slow small steps and then sleep. Being able to sleep at night without the night terrors. The final realization that I am who i was meant to be at this moment. There were so many things that allowed me to move forward when i dreaded i would be stuck in a place of soul crushing blackness forever.
Mostly it was the knowledge i really did want the best for my family - that somehow i had to find a way. 5 T's, a pyschatrist, MS group, Addiction group, body work, mindful yoga, Several books and web sites, workbooks, tools real tools. The real clincher was the WoR, watching men so puckered with apprehension and fear of themselves and others - change b4 my eyes. Knowing that all of us are NOT alone, we have so many unique but really consistently fucked up results of the CSA. Its like you can pick from columns. Oh this happened, well then , this is the fallout. We are not as bad as we think we are and that is the true message. We can be us, it will be ok. We can find the way to free the little boy inside and hear him. His voice and intuition has the clarity of a morning bell if we can drown out the noise and the constrictions that silence him. http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20118628-10391704.html
I love going to my MS group and some of the men from the WoR will always be my brothers. I am held up by their kindness, comradary, compassion and the shared language that allows us to cut thru the BS. How crazy lucky is that. Honesty. its beyond cool. Its the light that allows me to finally start to see my true reflection in the mirror. Not the image of dorian gray i had become.
I would love to see a national day that would allow us to talk about our csa and how it affected us. What a legacy that would be to leave those that are tragically experiencing it as we breath. We can all help each other see that we can all really help ourselves. They shouldn't have to live in the dread silence the abuser's bell jar encased us in. Fuck national dog, compost appreciation, cracker jacks or navel gazing week. Lets get real. Why is this the last barracade?