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#371456 - 10/01/11 07:24 PM Today I feel empowered
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
I wanted to write it down for other supporters to see, but also for myself. Today is the most like pre May 22, 2011 eldee that I've felt, and I really liked pre-May 22, me. I missed her. After May 22, I felt like I was in a hole. I knew I could climb out, but I didn't want to. It felt safe in there. As crazy as this sounds, I could see the hole. The dirt was the color of coffee grounds. I could feel it-- it was cool and damp, and I could smell its earthiness. I was happy to be in the hole. Porn couldn't touch me there, there was no room for cheating or betrayal there, it was the only soothing I could accept at that time.

The only problem is that people who are very important to me, my three elementary age kids, needed me, and I had to get out of the hole to take care of them.

This has been one horrific journey but the whole while I've been praying for God to give me whatever lesson he needs me to learn, quickly. I don't know that He will answer the "quickly" part. I'm not sure that my husband is any further along than he was on May 22. He (re)started therapy, he says he hasn't cheated since last year, he says no porn since May, but how I know I'm closer to the real me is that I'm not wrapped up in that. I want it to be true. I pray that it is, but I'm not checking behind him.

On another thread the word "ruined" was used to describe the lives of supporters who found out after years of marriage that their partners were abused and that as a result they act out by cheating or addictions or what have you. That haunted me for a few days. My life is not ruined. I won't allow it to be.

Today it finally sunk in what people on this board and in person have tried to tell me. This whole thing is not unlike a death. My perception of my life and my marriage, died. It wasn't real anyway, but its all I knew and its gone. So of course I was crying everyday. I teared up this morning too, but it's time to move on. It ain't coming back. So as I walked through the aisles of Wal Mart, the thought came to me, "What next?" What's my next step going to be.

I'm working on being the best me. The best mom. And the best wife. I don't need to hold him hostage with my spoken and unspoken demands and expectations.

I also don't need to have a plan for every single thing. I'm at a place in my life where I just need to see what happens next and just roll with it.

My husband has given me a tremendous gift in this whole mess and one of them is that I didn't have to keep his secret at my own expense. He gave me permission to share with people who were offering me support. One thing about you survivors, you often know your spouses better than we know you or even ourselves. I couldn't have made it if I had to pretend around everyone. I had to have a place to be open and authentic and broken and exposed. It's been amazing. Guess what i heard a lot of? "Me too! I was abused from ages X to XX." "I was cheated on by my husband."

It's not a club anyone willingly joins but it's nice to not be alone.

Thank you MS community. The collective wisdom and insight makes all the difference to those of us who find ourselves shoved off the pier and into deep and unknown waters. I'm still treading water with this whole CSA thing, but I also think I am learning a few strokes.

Most of the time, I turn over my fears and worries to God, but more than I care to admit, I snatch them back and obsess over what could have been and what will be. It's pointless because what will be, will be. Period.

I hope this is encouraging to the newbies. I honestly never thought I'd see myself again. I'm different, but the essence of who I am remains. Yours is still there too. Just hang on. Hang on.

Wife of a survivor

#371461 - 10/01/11 09:24 PM Re: Today I feel empowered [Re: GoodHope]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Eldee

It is refreshing to read this post, and although I know that you have endured much, I can see that you have also learned much.

Living with a survivors is much like living on the edge of a hurricane belt. You know that the inevitable may happen, but kid yourself into believing that it wont.

Sometimes we (survivors) get well, for a while, and sometimes we, like an alcoholic, have a relapse or flashback. Hopefully we have learn't enough, to not fall into our old destructive behaviors.

Through all of this I have held onto one bible verse, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Whilst the bad was happening, I always wondered what this meant, but I have seen in recent months, that I am the type of character that God uses to help others, I have a willingness and desire to help heal the world. So now I can answer this, I have made it through the abyss, and survived, and from this I have developed a strength, that in turn will help others.

All that I can pray Eldee, is that this is true for you.
I know that you will not find your OLD SELF, but from this will arise a new improved, and stronger version of the old model.

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#371470 - 10/02/11 12:33 AM Re: Today I feel empowered [Re: whome]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
Eldee you have worked so hard at this. I am happy for you and without a doubt you have helped me along in my journey. I am not where you are but hope to be someday. Thanks for giving me/us hope.


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