this post sorta jumped out at me, and so I decided to respond
However with everything I write take waht works disregard the rest.
As an incest survivor I can tell you how insanly complicated and twisted this type of abuse is. there is a reason this is taboo amongst almost every culture there ever was, its that insane.
With that said, I can also tell you that the abuse doesnt end after it ends, in a family. Where as the sexual aspect might end, there is so much enduring emotional abuse attached, that some days it can seem hopeless, and that your carrying the weight of the family on your shoulders for the "good" of the family, at our expense. this makes perfect sense as we feel we shouldnt, can't , dont want to rock the boat and our worth, value has been decimated over time where we really feel the others are worth more than us, so why put them through this. Man thats a hard one to get over, but we can and do.
I am here to call bullshit on that to some extent, and your fiance will get to understand that as he moves through recovery. There will become a time where he decides hes no longer willing to hold onto the perps shame at his expense anymore. It was never his burden or secret, he was holding it for that fucking perpetrator.
This is hard, and some days seems hopeless, but there is a light. there are many good men and therapists who can help guide through this process, but only one person can do the hard work, and only in his time. a great therapist has said many times, that we could not have done it a single second before we actualy started this process, for whatever reason. I believe this. While its inevitable to have the would haves, could haves, should haves, it just couldnt have happened until it did.
Disclosure and confrontation are really powerful things. He may come to a point that he will be able to confront the perpetrator and disclose to the rest of the family, and only when the time is right. he may see it as an impossibility , I know I did before I did both, but with a years worth of real hard work, mucho tears ect ect, I did just those things. ken singer has an article here that talks about confrontation and disclosure...http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html give it a read...I wrote that 5 part letter, took 8 months and a lot fo work.
My wife also had to supress her anger and rage at the perpetrator, my brother. She also had to hold back in saying things to my parents for quite some time. I know this was extreamly hard for her, and different for me. See I had years, 28 of em, to learn how to be fake, I was real fucking good at it. I could be in a room with my brother, I had him as my best man (that still disturbs me
). For a significant other this is a very fresh wound, and they hurt someone you love deeply. However it is our story to tell, to whom we can when we can. my wife will always ask my permission and have a discussin before disclosing my stuff. In every instance it has been positive, but it was always my call if she could do it or not.
this is not easy to deal with, there will be many challenges, but for me this has really brought my relationship with my wife to a new level.. Sure we fight and argue, she is a irish chick from boston, but we really are on a different level. took us a lot of work, and continuous work, and challenges do and have come up, but were both the better. Love has won.
Give it some time, breathe, go gentle on each other...you guys will figure it out.