I think its been 3 weeks since the first nuke attack. That's what I call his first reveal. He told me in 3 stages. 1)Some of the infidelities and the CSA 2)The major infidelities (my sister&best friend) 3)All the anger and resentment directed towards me through the years (he did a big book 4th step on me)
I'm not sure which one hurt more. In each phase HE thought he was doing "the best he can". He killed a piece of me each time. The 22 years of lying. He started off with "I've never been faithful to you". The day after or every time I announced a pregnancy. Any major event in our lives. He acted out. Strip clubs or prostitutes. I asked him, "why didn't you just leave me alone?" Why drag me into this world if you didn't really love me (serve & protect). "I did love you. I do love you. I'm just really messed up. " He looks at our marriage in phases. Phases of awareness. Phases of love. I'm this object that he had to hold on to. He didn't want anyone else to have me. Years of sick jealousy. Sabotaged relationships. I see now my codependence. The more he didn't love himself, I tried to show him I loved him. I would dress down, not talk to people or gain attention. I stopped taking modeling jobs or going out. Cut down my friendships until there was no one. Boosting him up at all cost to myself. "Telling myself, I can take it, he can't." I always knew deep down he was insecure. He always made it clear "I can't believe someone who looks like you choose me?" That used to break my heart. I set about proving to him and anyone else who questioned or made comments to him. "Holy Crap!@ That's your wife??" How much I loved him and you should too! It's a crazy sick cycle. I realize now, I can't love him out of feeling unloveable. There is nothing I can do. My focus now is support without enabling. THAT IS SO HARD!! Because I don't trust my judgement anymore. I can't tell when he's manipulating me or not. When he's lying or not.
He said to me. I trusted you enough to tell you about the abuse. I've told you everything. I'm completely honest now. And then another bomb drops.
He did something even worse than an sex encounter with my sister. HE exposed my beautiful 18 year old son to his world of pornography/prostitution. My son Nick and I had a very close relationship. Of all my children, there was a special bond between us. My Husband later told me how jealous he was of the relationship. My H just told me what he did. Before taking my son to college they went on a golf trip together. My H took him to an all nude strip club where he paid someone to take MY CHILD into the "back room". He says he does not know what happened. I can only imagine. My H, this on the surface in public practicing praying Catholic. Man of faith. Did this to my son.
I'm still trying to let in sink in. I don't think HE even realizes the enormity of what he did. He repeated it in a detached manner to our therapist. He looks at the incident from his perspective like "I made a really bad decision". I could have gone right but decided to go left. Very detached. Like, "you're gonna be mad..."
The last few weeks have been all about him. How he feels. He's so different. I can see the difference in him after revealing the secret. I think he's lighter because he's finally able to unload the CSA. And the sex addiction (what he's calling it) is secondary. He's on this weird high. I can't explain it.
All I know is my world was nuked. Everything looks different. Colors look different to me. He looks different to me. The grocery store even looks unfamiliar to me. I haven't accomplished anything in weeks.
At first his goal was, "I can't loose her"! peppered with "I need to heal" "I need..." "I need..." All the while inside I'm screaming "What about me?" I can't even vent to the only friend I had left (my sister) because she died last year. Up and died on me.! But now I find out. She's a liar and betrayer too.
This fallout from CSA is deeper, wider, more destructive than I ever thought. Is ALL of this CSA FALLOUT??? seriously?? is that possible??
OR is he just a cheating scum bag with a personality disorder.
Weeding through the lies is difficult. I don't know if I should believe what he says anymore. I let him talk as much as he wants. Sometimes he talks for 4-5 hours. He has told me more about himself in the last 3 weeks than in 22 years.
When he talks about the CSA, often, too often he reminds me of the following:
1) His abuser was ONLY a kid himself, 12 or 13 (my H 9 when it started)
2) He found pleasure in most of it. (never identifies what was not pleasurable)
3) He had to GO to the abuser NOT the other way
What is he trying to tell me. Why does he keep bringing that up?
I'm the one who calls it abuse. I'm the one who calls it exploitation. The grooming etc.
Because we have 5 children (4 of them boys) I have always been vigilante in being watchful and educated about CSA. One of his childhood friends was "overly" interested in my boys when they were young. He would bring them treats and spent WAY too much time and interest in them. My Mama antenna went on full alert. Something didn't feel right about this guy. My husband ALWAYS dismissed me and my feelings but I never let it go. I kept a watchful eye but my H did not. The angrier and more watchful I got, the less my H paid attention. Did he know deep down what this guy was? My boys are now older. The three older ones with SO MANY ISSUES (addiction, anger etc) My mama instinct is telling me something I don't want to ask. So afraid to ask. I've told my H, something happened to them. I'm not paranoid. He never comments beyond "You think so?" It's like he doesn't care or doesn't believe me. Is that possible? Given his CSA. Is that possible?
Someone please tell me what to do. What should I do about my kids? My husband. I refuse to believe we are JUST Collateral Damage. Oh well, you're just Collateral Damage. This has little to do with you...
How do I talk to my kids? How do I get my Husband to tell me the TRUTH? Is there a truth to find out? Am I paranoid? Am I crazy?