I made some hard choices today, choices that nobody else could make for me.
I called my uncle, i told him that i had been sexually abused by his sister. I feel i have to expose the truth, i have to tell everybody in my family, probably one by one. Freedom is in breaking the silence, not living in shame. He listened, he believed. One is enough. And if he goes back on what he started, well, it was worth trying. I dont care if one single damn person in my family believes me, this doesnt end until everybody knows.
The second was making an effort of apologizing to a girl i feel i took advantage of. I touched her while she slept, though i doubt she really did. She was older than me, and i was spending the night at a friend of my mom's house. They didnt make any sleeping arrangements and let me sleep in her bed. When she came home she pushed me over and went to sleep next to me. She never said no, she made no effort to stop me, but i feel i took advantage of her lack of boundries none the less. If she had said something, i would have stopped. I would have broke down and started crying right there. I tried so damn hard not to be like my family, to do the right thing. Why didnt she say something? Do something? I dont know, maybe she wanted me to, be it still doesnt make it right. Then again, she might have passed out from drinking too much, i dont know, i guess it doesnt really matter.
I have done some messed up things, but that is the only time i remember sexually touching anyone or exposing myself delibrately. Every other thing i think there was a clear boundry between an absulote line i would never cross. Thats what i pray for, that nothing i did ever seriously hurt anyone else. That i never hurt anyone the way i had been hurt. When all things are said and done, if she was awake, she had the power to stop me, even if she didnt herself know it. I remeber going to extreme lengths to keep from hurting anyone. I one time stole my cousins underwear and took them into the bathroom, because i was sleeping in the same bed and i didnt want to do anything to her. I couldnt control the fact that her presense aroused me, but i could control my physical actions. I could not define normal boundries but i always tried to contain myself, even if i couldnt stop myself from acting out i tried to stop myself from acting out on anybody else. I dont really have any choice now but to expose everything and let the pieces fall where they may. If i hurt anybody, it is done, i cant change it, but i can honer the truth. I dont think i ever damaged anybody, i dont think i did anything that would make someone feel violated. I am tired now, i have done what i can, tommorow the girl i mentioned will probably call me. I will try to sleep tonight, try to be rested for tommorow.
Thanks for listening.